NOT THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH

We are finally back from all our "vacationing" and let me just say that Disney World is fun but I have to say its not really the "happiest place on earth"! The best thing about vacation can be coming home.

A significant portion of our vacation was spent in traffic, lines or mushed among a crowd of people. Sometimes during this time I would look around and think "do these people enjoy this?" Is it just me who cringes and feels claustraphobic when the crowds get too big. Its very interesting to me to see that city folk seem to thrive in what I consider overpopulation. Although I don't understand the attraction I'm sort of happy that people like to crowd together into tight places.....all the more room for me to spread out!

My idea of entertainment is watching a wild turkey attack a fox to protect her chicks. Surprisingly, the turkey won that battle! Then watch as she walks around clucking to call all eight chicks back to her. We could hear the worry in her clucks and then the happy loving sounds she made as they showed up one by one. They excitedly peeped their version of the adventure. Yes, I live in my own "magic kingdom".

BEING UNHAPPY SOMETIMES IS OKAY

I've come to realize that I've spent a lot of time trying to make my kids happy....all the time. Looking back to when they were babies I felt like my job was to figure out why they were crying and then solve the problem so they would stop. As they got older, I needed to figure out how to stop those toddler frustrations that all too often would turn into screaming rages. It would break my heart to see them in their elementary school years facing problems at school. I couldn't be there to control every situation.

Now with my two oldest in middle school I'm overwhelmed. The entire school is filled with hundreds of adolescents with seething hormones! EEK! It seems that in the moments when they are happy, then their friend's moods bring them down. And just try to solve a problem when it comes from hormonal moodiness! So during this past year I have come to realize that being unhappy sometimes is okay. I have explored the fact that everyone has a lot of different feelings inside of them and they just happen. People get angry and sad as well as happy. So, I've been trying to just give them space to let the feelings flow. I am keeping an eye out for a pattern of unhappiness so it doesn't get out of control. I've also told them that they can spend a little alone time with their feelings so I don't get too aggravated! But you know what, we all sometimes get angry or sad about stupid things. We all have those moments when we think the whole world is against us when its not. The key is moving on from it. Getting up the next day and realizing its a new day. As long as my kids have that ability, its okay.

ARTISTS

I think everyone has a creative side. Everyone has a bit of artist in them. I have to admit though, that I used to think that really artistic people were pretending to be that way. Pretending to see things that we don't see. Pretending to like things that we could give a hoot about. Sarah has opened my eyes. I've realized for awhile now that she has an artistic personality. She is very talented when it comes to creating artwork and can draw really well for a 9 year old but its more than that. She is constantly talking to me about things that are, well, artistic. Or at least things that I had always perceived as artistic. You know, those people pretending to be that way?! The other day she told me that she wanted to draw ordinary things. Things that other people wouldn't think were important enough to draw. "Like that post right there. No one would want to draw that post. I want to draw nothing." She sees things that others don't. She observes and absorbs like a sponge. If we eat at a seafood restaurant she wants to play with the lobster shell. She moves it around and watches how it works. Staring at it intently. Seeing every minute detail.

At 9 years old, I can safely say that she hasn't read how to act like an artist. She is just being herself. I love it!

DIFFERENT

Since I posted about the artist in my family, I need to mention that I am so glad that all my kids are different. Thomas and Erin are both great at drawing but I would not describe their personalities are artistic. They have there own personalities. Thomas being a techie kind of dude and Erin is my fellow "feelings" kind of girl. Erin is probably the one who I can relate to the most although I do have a math/analytical side. Erin can really get what I'm talking about. I think we would both make good psychiatrists although it would probably end up driving us insane!! Having three different personalities in the house makes my life feel very full. I am so glad that I share different things with each of them. I am glad that I don't have a problem enjoying each of them fully. I know some parents feel a special bond with one of their kids and end up playing favorites. That has never been an issue for me. I'm sure there are times that my kids think I am playing favorites but inside of my heart I don't have a favorite. Never for a minute have I had that feeling. And for that I am grateful. It must be a burden for the parents who have a special bond with one of their kids. I have that special bond with all of mine.

JUNIOR HIGH, JUNIOR PEOPLE?

In our school district Junior High starts in sixth grade and ends in eighth grade. Its also called Middle School, not Junior High like where I grew up. Erin is in sixth grade and Thomas is in seventh grade so we are really in the thick of it. This whole process has me a bit worried. I try to remember what it was like when I was in sixth and seventh grade. It seems so different now with Erin announcing that she has seen sixth graders French kissing in an unobserved area of the hallway. That's not really the part that bothers me since I see that my kids have a more "normal" approach to the boy/girl thing. They seem to be slightlly interested, but get easily distracted.

What really worries me is the whole social interaction thing. I can see how spending their days in the Middle School just bashes away at their confidence. They seem to be holding up, but sometimes I wonder. I can point out how talented they are and let them know that it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks. But what about the constant barrage of negativity from all these other kids. I can sit back and objectively say that all these preadolescents and adolescents are just fighting to secure their spot in this world but how do I counteract their constant nastiness. I'm sure that Erin and Thomas are not contributing to the nastiness and that comes from their own confidence. They don't feel the need to put others down to build themselves up. I suppose I can take some comfort in that.

Erin talks to me more than Thomas and I can see an effect that the Middle School has had on her. It makes me sad and frustrated to see her beaten down like that. We went to my neices First Communion party and Erin didn't want to dance with me. She may believe that I was unhappy that I didn't have anyone to dance with but that wasn't the problem. I just hated to see my happy carefree girl stifled. There were girls her age there and I'm sure that had an effect on her. She's now old enough to realize that her peers are looking her up and down and judging her. But she's not old enough to realize that they are doing it in a desperate attempt to make themselves feel better. I have always told her that is why people judge you, but I think that is a bit of wisdom that takes a long time to really sink in. Took me 40 years to really understand it! I know that some people would just pass this off as a Rite of Passage, but it hurts. This is such an important time in their lives to get it right and I'm worried. Don't get me wrong, Erin is no shrinking violet, she has much more confidence than a lot of girls her age but I do see an effect. As a friend of mine always says, its like a drippy faucet. I can build them up at home but all those comments and snide remarks at school can wear them down.

What about Thomas? He seems to be fairing well, but like I said he is a bit more quiet than Erin. I guess I just have to trust him when he tells me things are okay.

I'm sure we will all survive, but I feel the need to be on top of this issue. I don't really feel that I have the key yet. In the meantime I will continue to talk and build them up at home. I will sit back and hope that is enough armor to survive the battle.

GROSS AND DISGUSTING

My entire sweet little family was at Wendy's eating the other night. I was somewhat tired and vegging out. I saw a mother come in with two preschool aged boys. In my mind I sent out sympathy vibes because I know that can be a difficult age to deal with. I quietly mentioned this to my husband and said that she's probably just trying to make it through the meal. Then I sat and minded my own business. I overheard her having a loud conversation with her kids.

Mother: "WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO DO THAT?!!
Kid: He said something that I couldn't quite understand.
Mother: "WELL STOP IT, THAT'S GROSS AND DISGUSTING!!"

I didn't turn around to see what she was talking about but thought maybe he had said some bad word.

On the way home from there, Erin asked me if I had heard the woman's conversation and I said yes but I didn't know what she was talking about. She said that the little boy was blowing the wrapper off the end of his straw. When she had asked him where he had learned to do that, he had pointed to Erin, Thomas and Sarah and said "THEM!!" So apparently, my kids are gross and disgusting!! Erin was not happy but she told me that since I did it too and had actually taught them how to do it, she wondered what this mother must do for fun. She figured that the mother NEVER had any fun. In my opinion, its not gross and disgusting, obnoxious maybe, but not gross and disgusting! And I think it would only be obnoxious if you did it towards someone you didn't know or left the wrappers on the floor. That's my humble opinion, but then again, I'm gross and disgusting! At least I know how to have fun!

I told Erin, that when this woman loudly proclaim how gross and disgusting it was, Erin should have pointed to me and her dad and said "AND I LEARNED IT FROM THEM!!"

THOMAS'S GARDEN

I've been spending a lot of time working outside in the yard and my two vegetable gardens. My loyal companion has been Thomas. He loves to garden and has an incredible amount of energy for it. This year I bought some more fencing and we have broken new ground! I have always given him his own spot in the garden but this year he is working on a new spot for himself. He dug holes to put up fence posts and has already attached the fencing. He has pulled out all the bushes that seem to grow rampant around here. He is now working on getting out the never ending Pennsylvania rocks. I'm sure he will be ready to plant by the time the last frost hits us.

Its great to have his company while I struggle through the bushes, roots and rocks in my own area. We have an informal contest of who pulled out the longest root. I think I currently hold that record but didn't measure the winning root. We both have a love hate relationship with all those rocks because although they can be frustrating, its also very satisfying to pull out a really big one. We probably should make an audio tape of all the huffing and puffing because it would be funny to play back later.

I think the best part for me is to see Thomas's pride that he's accomplished so much on his own. He is finally getting old enough and big enough to be able to carry out the dreams that are inside his head. His garden might not be perfect, but its something that is all his!

TWELVE TIMES FACTS

Here is one of the example's that I read to the kids when I went into the class room. I'm of course "Mrs. H".


I don’t know but I’ve been told
Mrs. H. is getting old

She has told us she still knows
How multiplying numbers goes

I will ask her to prove to me
Then I promise to let her be

The twelve times facts are real tough
If she knows them that will be enough

12 X 1 is equal to 12

That’s too easy give me more
Then I’ll let you out the door

12 X 2 is 24
12 X 3 is 36
12 X 4 is 48

She may be old but she’s doing great

12 X 5 is 60
12 X 6 is 72

I’m really amazed how about you?

12 X 7 is 84
12 X 8 is 96
12 X9 is 108

She better hurry up or she’ll be late

12 X 10 is 120
12 X 11 is 132

My favorite one I’ll say real fast
Then I’ll know I’m done at last

12 X 12 is 144

VOLUNTEERING GONE AWRY?

Well, some how my good intentions in volunteering have gone awry. I have some how manage to become embroiled in the office politics of the school. Sigh. This makes me very unhappy. However, it has made me wonder how do I learn to be the kind of person that doesn't get entwined in these sorts of things? Everyone knows those kind of people, the ones that are "above" this sort of thing. This is definitely something worth working towards.

VOLUNTEERING

I have this belief that volunteering is something that everyone should do. At least a little bit. I don't think its necessary to do it in an "official" capacity. I consider that helping out a neighbor is volunteering. Actually, volunteering in that way may be even more giving because you'll never receive an award or special recognition. Its usually just a quiet thank you from the person you helped. I think the important thing is that you helped someone and knew that you were doing it just to be nice. No ulterior motives.

Mostly, I have volunteered in ways that also make my children happy. By going into their classrooms and helping the teachers. I like this because I feel that if I can make the teachers job easier, it allows them to spend more energy teaching the children and giving them a better education. The added benefit is that my kids always like me to be there.

This year my youngest is in third grade and I still was asked to come in once a week to help out for an hour. In addition to that I wanted to do something to help a larger group of kids with math. I am an engineer who always enjoyed math and it bothers me that so few kids like math. I think when they don't do well, it turns them off. I came up with an idea to put their multiplication tables into rhymes so that they would have more enthusiasm to learn them. In November (2005) I presented this to the principal and head teacher. This was an extreme challenge to me because I cannot stand the principal and have absolutely no respect for him. It required that I go in there and pretend that I did like and respect him. However, I felt that it was something I really wanted to do. I had originally wanted to work with the fifth graders, but he turned me in the direction of third grade. He introduced me to the third grade math coach and I presented my idea to her. She had been hired to help increase the assessment test scores since our school district had scored so poorly. She loved my idea but warned that the teachers have not been very receptive to change. My idea crashed. I was annoyed and bummed out. If our kids are doing so poorly, how could they decline any sort of help? I finally accepted that for whatever reason this was never going to happen.

Then at the end of March, after the state assessment tests had been completed, she came to me and said that now the teachers thought the idea was great. Could I start next week? I have to say that after I got over the shock, I needed to force myself to drum up some enthusiasm. It sounds childish, but I felt that they had their chance to want me. It wasn't right that they treated me this way. So I gritted my teeth and developed my plan. I kept telling myself I was doing it for the kids. That ended up being a good strategy because not every teacher is completely thrilled with me being there. I'm having trouble with that because I feel since I am spending my time and not getting paid for it, they could show a little appreciation....and this is where my internal battle begins because although my feelings are hurt, I realize this goes against my general philosophy about volunteering. To do it just to be a good person. Some of the teachers and the math coach are showing me a lot of appreciation and for that I am grateful. I never care about a big show of appreciation, actually I prefer to keep a low profile. Its just nice to know that you are wanted. That way you know that what you are doing is valuable. I know that a truly good person would be like Mother Theresa, but I doubt I will ever get there!

The important thing is that the kids were great. They seemed excited and were happy that I came in. That is what makes it all worth it.