HOW I GOT TO BE "RICH"

The biggest thing on my mind lately is how we will pay for our kids to go to college. We are in that category of parents that are told that we are "rich" enough to pay the full freight but in reality we really can't. When filling out the FAFSA (free financial aid form), I learned that we would be expected to pay up to $50K per year for our kids college education. I have three kids and if they knuckle down and graduate in the "normal" four years, I will have one or two kids in college for a period of eight years. Using simple math I calculate that I will be expected to come up with $400K! Hah! So, since Thomas just headed off to college I can't help but think quite a bit about all of this.

I spend some time complaining and more time facing the reality and thinking of ways to pay for college. I've learned that one of my "friends" has no sympathy at all for me. She is of the belief that I am just lucky that I have the money and other assets that are keeping our family from getting the need based aid. I can't seem to get this off my mind. For me, the bottom line is that Tom and I have really sacrificed more than others to get into the position we are in. After our kids are off to college, not only will all our savings be gone but we will also have a substantial amount of debt. It is true that others who do get free aid will have debt and they won't have any savings either. This bothers me because after years of working hard and sacrificing we won't be any better off than people who sacrificed less than us.

The fact that bothers me is that my friend thinks that it is some sort of luck that put us in our position. She totally disregards what I had to do to get to this point. I grew up in a poor family where my mother sewed all my clothes and we drank powdered milk because we couldn't afford regular milk. My parents were not supportive of my decision to go to college and in fact told me that they would do everything they could to stop me. Regardless, I went anyway and often times woke up to temperatures in my apartment that were barely above 50 degrees because I couldn't afford to turn on the heat. While I was struggling to graduate to be able to get a job, Tom was living with his parents, working and saving as much as he could so we would be able to buy a house. We could not afford a house in NJ so we moved an hour away from his job to Pennsylvania. We bought the cheapest house we could find and put so much "sweat equity" into our house we sometimes would come home after working an eight hour day and be working outside on building a garage by spotlight until 9:00 pm. We dug a foundation hole for our garage by hand and I overcame my fear of heights when I had to be working all the way at the peak of the roof. I wonder if my friend has made any similar sacrifices. Since our kids have been born (18 years) we have only been on three "big" vacations. I only mention this because I had to listen to my friend tell me she is planning a trip to Switzerland for her 25th anniversary. We will also be celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary the same year as her. We could not afford to go to a foreign country on vacation. For our anniversary I probably will be making a special meal to be eaten on our 29 year old dinner plates.

HEADED OFF TO RPI

Today we bring Thomas to college. He is my first so it is kind of weird. What's even more weird is I no longer have those sad feelings of knowing I will miss him. I am still worried that he will be experiencing home sickness and all those usual unhappy freshman year feelings but I feel peaceful otherwise. I know along with the unhappy feelings he will also experience all the happy feelings. I think I realize that this is just a natural progression and I can sit back and enjoy it. I also see that he is happy. He seemed to be getting really excited last night. It's nice to see, when it comes down to the wire, he has joyful feelings. It seems as if the anxiety has been pushed to the side for now. He never really seemed super worried; I think because he is pretty independent about a lot of things. Through high school he has learned to handle the day to day tasks and decisions. He still lets me pamper him by doing his laundry and making him Koolaid but he takes care of the big stuff, mostly having to do with school. He doesn't need his parents to organize and plan his day at school. Other than helping with proof reading he doesn't ask us for help.

When we went to RPI for orientation, we were told that we know our own children. If we feel that in general they make good decisions and were generally responsible, we didn't have to worry about them. Chances are, they would be fine. If we were worried about them, chances are we needed to worry about them! I'm not worried about Thomas. I also felt really good when they asked all the parents to raise their hands if their kids did at least an hour of homework each night. There were few parents that raised their hands. They explained that was because these kids were the smart kids and good grades came easy to them so they would just coast through high school. Although many things do come easy to Thomas he has always studied a lot and done a lot of homework. It was comforting to know that he would not be one of those kids that had a rude awakening in college as far as the time commitment. I cannot really tell what will happen with his grades. Will he be able to keep all those A's? I have warned him that there may be times that he is disappointed with the result of his hard work. Only time will tell.

MEET DOROTHY

Scarecrow compliments of Erin and Sarah. I love the grass ponytails! Last year they made Dr. Phil.

SARAH THE ARTIST

Sarah loves to take pictures and I get to see the world through her eyes. Anyone can take a picture of a beautiful flower but it takes a real artist to see beauty in what others perceive as ugly

SARAH'S BUGS

....and because one of Sarah's favorite photography subjects are bugs...

MORE FROM SARAH

This is a battle that Sarah captured on film. A spider and ant fighting over the body of a dead comrade. Eventually the ant gives up and lets the spider have his friend.

SO MUCH TO DO, SO LITTLE TIME...

I usually go on the computer first thing in the morning. If I feel the energy and the motivation I start to form a list of things that I want to do that day. At the end of the day it's nice to have that tired but satisfied feeling of a day filled with activity. I think now that I've had so many days where I don't feel well enough to do anything, I appreciate it all the more. I try to ignore the nagging feeling that I may never be able to do as much as I used to. I find sometimes I'm nagged by the fact that I don't have as much motivation anymore either. Sometimes this lack of motivation is due to not feeling well and sometimes it's due to being so out of shape compared to what I was.

So the funny aspect to all this is that I come up with this list that is a mile long, expecting that I will be able to do at least a half mile of it, only to accomplish an inch. It seems to be the story of our household. A story that we've learned to get a chuckle from. Just the other day we were laughing at the fact that we were discussing whether it took Tom two years or three to build the new closet in our bedroom. I figured in order to match that time frame, I would need to take my time at putting all our stuff back into the new closet! I'm not sure if it took me one or two months! It's not that we don't keep busy. Tom especially. He is a person who constantly needs to be doing something. I think it's really a function of our expectations. Once we had kids we didn't factor in the idea that we needed to spend time doing things with them. Of course we would not miss their childhood for anything. However, some where in the back of our minds we still think we can get as much done as in our pre child days. I think the reason that we are able to laugh about it is the fact that we still are able to get an incredible amount done. When I look at the "barn" (AKA shed) Tom built last year, as well as, the potting shed he helped Thomas build I am amazed that he was able to accomplish that along with the usual family vacations and just hanging out around here with the family. Oh yeah, and that little thing called a full time job! The amount that I accomplish is much less than Tom but I think I can give myself credit for the fact that I end up doing at least some things because it takes a lot of time to run a household...or at least in the way that I want to run it. I place a lot of value in being involved with my kids. I only have this time once. I know that we will all look back and be happy with how our lives went.

SUCH A GOOD DRIVER

Thursday we reached a new milestone. Thomas got his license! He passed with flying colors. Thomas like all teenagers was quite nervous. I hadn't been worried until I got out of the car and the tester got in. Thomas went to drive off and forgot to put it in drive. ROOOAAARRR! The tester's window was open so I tried not to laugh or say out loud "LORDY, this is NOT going to go well!" Thomas told me that he let out a "PHEW!" and calmed himself down and after that everything was perfect. He had been practicing parallel parking in a 22 foot space so he easily pulled into the 24 foot space they provided. I guess once he got it out of park the tester was impressed enough to tell me that Thomas seems to have a good head on his shoulders. The tester said he didn't even mark Thomas off for that his little mistake at the beginning.

So as for Thomas, he now can go anywhere he wants...if it wasn't for the fact that he'd rather stay home. As for me, in June Erin gets her permit and I will have to start all over again. Oh yeah, and soon I will be teaching Thomas to drive a stick shift since we plan to let him drive our pick up to school next year.

GIANT SNOWBALL

We had fun playing in the snow yesterday. Thomas, Erin and I made this huge snow ball. It was actually more of a wheel but it tipped over. We spent about half an hour trying to get it back upright using boards but we finally gave up! We got about a foot of snow with more to come today. They are predicting at least a foot maybe even two!

This year I've decided that I will not agree with all the people who complain about the snow. I LOVE a huge snow storm and too often I just nod my head in agreement with all the people who complain. It's been sort of funny because people tend to give me a funny look when I say "to tell you the truth, I love the snow and I'm hoping for a big blizzard!"

CROSS COUNTRY RUNNING

This year Sarah joined the middle school cross country team so that means that all three of my kids are now runners. I really enjoy being on the sidelines, watching the whole process. I am happy and proud of my kids but maybe for different reasons than one would think.


Thomas is the fast runner of the family, the team member that the coach counts on to do well. Of course it makes him happy to do well but what really makes him happy is the act of running. He loves cross country because the races are over three miles long. He really wants to try running a 10K race which is about twice as long as that. When I try to imagine what is making him happy, I think it must be the feel of his body moving so fast and smoothly over the terrain. The feel of being young and strong. To know that his body can run eight miles in practice must be wonderful. I can see it in his eyes, in his smile.


Erin is not a fast runner but I know that she also enjoys the act of running because she has said so. She can run without the pressure of having the coaches push her to beat the other team. When she runs I don't need to count on her winning to praise her because I have no problem seeing good things. I have watched her for 3 years improving. This year I've seen how strong her body has become, the muscles in her legs have become defined. Her form is now that of a strong runner, gone is the exhausted look she had in the beginning. She must feel it too. Inside of her must be that deep satisfaction that comes from hard work. A pride that is too often squelched in teenage girls.


Sarah has only been practicing for three weeks and this is the hardest time for any runner. The aching muscles, the frustration of your body not being as strong or fast as you'd like and the nagging feeling that maybe you just aren't good enough. The only way of overcoming these things is to stick with it. As a parent this is where things get tough. I'm supposed to say encouraging things at a time when she feels so discouraged. Through the tears I just want to tell her to forget it, just quit. In some ways she wants to hear that very thing but we both know that just shouldn't happen. Not now. She needs to meet this challenge. She needs to see it through and hopefully in the end she'll think its worth it. She will see the improvement and feel the strength. As I came to pick her up from practice one day I saw her sprinting the last little bit. When she got into the van she told me how she just loved the feel of zooming along and seeing the ground flying by under her. Its there, that love of running, we'll just hope it survives the pain!

MY KIDS ARE GREAT PEOPLE

Dear Friend,

I meant to write about this in my last post but I sort of got off on a tangent and it didn't seem to fit in very well and I decided to make it a separate post.

As my kids have grown older I've been able to enjoy them as people more. When they were younger I was spending much of my time teaching them how to be good people and teaching them to be able to live a happy and fulfilling life. I still do guide them but mostly they've become who they will be. And I like them. I like to spend time with them. I like to have everyday conversations with them. If they weren't already my children I would choose them as friends.

It may not be socially correct to say that time with younger kids can be a lot of tedious work but it can be. Its hard to read that same children's book for the 500th time. Its hard to answer those endless questions that start with "why..." I know that I was supposed to be dreamy eyed with wonderment as my children discovered the world but its hard to do that when you are changing a poopy diaper or surviving one of many tantrums. Its maddening when someone tells you to cherish every moment because time goes so fast. I can remember many times when I did feel awe in the magic of motherhood. I can remember staring at Thomas when he read his first chapter book. I still smile when I think about Erin crashing her electric jeep and her first thought was the safety of Sarah who was riding with her. Sarah amazed me when she was two and she drew a picture of me flying a kite and I could actually tell what it was. Yes many times it is enjoyable but that doesn't change the fact that its so much gosh darn work!

Now that I have a preteen and two teenagers I don't need to do so much work. I don't need to be following them around every minute guiding them through life. More and more they are following their own paths. Each path is interesting and I get to walk beside them instead of pushing from behind. I'm spending this time with them and mostly not worrying where it leads. Its nice to enjoy them without the worry. I feel confident that they can handle the bumps along the way.

THESE ARE THE BEST DAYS OF MY LIFE

Dear Friend,

Although some days I'm grumpy, I realize that these days truly are the best days of my life. After the many unhappy days of my childhood and the following adult years when I was trying to sort out my past, I am finally in a time when I can just sit back and soak in the happiness. Sometimes I look back with regret on how much time that seemed to be wasted on lamenting my relationship with my parents. I guess it was just what I needed to go through at the time.

This is a time that most of the hard work has been done raising my kids. They've reached an age where I can enjoy the fruits of my labor. All the worrying whether I was doing the right thing has come to a point that I can realize yes, I was doing the right thing. I'm not saying that I don't have bad days where I wonder if I've made some mistakes. I have made some mistakes and sometimes this thought can be overwhelming, but in general I am happy with myself as a mother. I am extremely happy with my kids. I have a great husband and three great kids and that means that I am surrounded by people who I love and people who love me. What more could a person ask for? In a world where success is measured in dollars, I know a secret. Success is not about how much money you make or how many things you possess, it's about how happy you are. Everyone wants to be loved and unfortunately some people confuse popularity or admiration for love. I may not be super popular and I may not have hoards of people admiring me, but I have four people who love me. FOUR! A person could be happy with just one person loving them and I've got FOUR!

QUE SERA, SERA

Dear Friend,

I read a few blogs and wonder if other people feel pressure to write frequent posts. I do not have followers to my blog so I never feel pressure to keep on posting. Its nice to be able to write when I want or not write if I don't want to.

My current phase of parenting involves preparing my kids for the fast approaching world of adulthood. Thomas is a sophomore in high school and Erin is a freshman. Sarah is still in sixth grade so she's got a ways to go. As my teenagers pick classes for next year, we begin to talk about college and the future. With these discussions come choices that seemingly will affect how they will live the rest of their lives.

I strongly feel that I want to guide my children in the direction that is best for them. On the one hand you have society's pressure that a person must reach their full potential. Give 100% to be the best that you can be. Then on the other hand I wonder if that is the best way to lead a fulfilling and happy life. Do we really need to spend every moment working as hard as we are capable of working? What will make us truly happy? My kids have the ability to get accepted at one of the top colleges but is that really what they want to do? Work their butts off and then what? Is the satisfied feeling of a job well done really enough? Does that kind of success really buy happiness? Maybe when they graduate college they will get a top paying job. A high pressure job. Then can they buy happiness? I think not.

As Thomas pointed out to me "Mom, I notice that no one talks about being happy." He said this when we were discussing how people were giving him advice on what classes to take next year. When he went to sign up for next year's schedule he had been recommended to take six college level advanced placement (AP) classes. When he said that he only wanted to take two AP classes the guidance counselor told him that he either had to take all six or meet with the teachers to discuss why he didn't want to take them. I knew from previous experience that all that was necessary was a phone call from me to remind them that I needed to sign off on the schedule and I wouldn't do that unless they listened to what Thomas wanted.

I've warned Thomas that many people in his life will want to give him free advice and that most of these people will not have his best interests in mind. The guidance counselor trying to persuade Thomas to take six AP courses is a perfect example of this. The more kids that fill the school's AP courses, the better the school looks. But as one of the AP teachers pointed out, "its at the children's expense". No one is really interested in what Thomas's life will be like ten years down the line.

So I am left with the dilemma whether I push my children to reach their full potential or do I let them know its okay to sit back and relax. Where is the line that gives them the balance that will see them through. Grades, SAT scores, extra curricular activities, college acceptance, high paying job....how much of it really matters. Will they be any happier than the Grand Union cashier who once told me "I LOVE MY JOB!!" and she really meant it?

At this point I've done what I've done. I've raised them to have a good work ethic. Is this work ethic too strong? I may never know. They will need to make their own way in this world and I hope that they will recognize what makes them happy and what makes them unhappy. I can only sit back and hope for the best.

MY YEAR IN REVIEW


CHAPTER 1

I started the year on a new medication that was supposed to get rid of my migraines. I had started to get a lot the previous October. It seemed to be helping until February when I had a really bad spell. Let's just say that they call it "migraine disease" because its not just a headache. Lucky Tom, he was home recovering from his shoulder surgery during my worse week where I got a migraine 6 out of 7 days and I was in bed with a brain that was barely functioning...somewhat scary for me since my vision was not working properly. He took care of the kids, he managed to drive them to school and back. Anyway, Tom's surgery was to remove a calcium deposit that had built up and was limiting the movement in his arm so he couldn't raise it over his head. It was causing quite a bit of pain and had gotten to the point that it was interrupting his sleep. The surgeon who removed it did a very good job. So good in fact that he had told us that he hadn't gotten all of the deposit but when I asked him to show me the remainder on the xray at Tom's follow-up visit he just said "hmmm, good question I must have done better than I thought!" Tom has another less painful deposit in the other shoulder...someday.

So eventually when my brain cleared enough to think a little I decided to change doctors. I researched and decided on one that had excellent reviews in Philadelphia (also an office in NJ). I went to him at the beginning of June. He discovered I had an iron deficiency and I've been on iron ever since. Also changed my thyroid medication. Just to finish up about me, me, me....I went to the Jefferson Headache Center in Philadelphia at the end of September and am now on an anti seizure med (no, I don't get seizures but it helps with migraines). I also just started on Magnesium which is supposed to help. I can honestly say that I feel much better than in February but I am still very far from being 100%. My plan for the new year is to hope my health gets better and better and I can begin to get back into shape. Thomas and I walked 2.5 miles yesterday (using the new Christmas handheld GPS we got the family for Christmas) and I didn't get a migraine. Small steps. It'd be nice to lose the extra 15-20 lbs I've gained since becoming unhealthy, heck, I'd be nice to lose the extra 15 pounds I gained from being pregnant with Sarah (now 12 years old) but I'm going to focus more on feeling better. This all started in 2006 and this spring it will be three years that I've been struggling with this, enough already.


CHAPTER 2

So on to happy stuff. In January before I went down hill Erin and I were sitting around and we got an idea! ROAD TRIP! We both had always wanted to go to Dollywood, it must have been that special we had seen on TV. So I began to plan out a trip for June as soon as the kids were out of school. On the way down we went on the Cape May ferry. It was fun to have our van on a boat! The Chesapeake Bay bridge and tunnel was pretty neat too. We stopped first in New Port News, VA. We went to Busch Gardens as well as Colonial Williamsburg. It was fun but hot as heck and I was wondering how we would make it in Tennessee! It turned out it must have been a bit of a heat wave because the rest of the trip was fine.

Next on to Everett's house in Georgia to see all our southern redneck relatives. Just joking, they were all quite sophisticated. It turned out to be the perfect stop for us. At this point in the trip I think we all needed to stay in a real house for a couple of nights. The kids all felt like they were at a resort! Everett's master bath is as big as one of our bedrooms! Erin's getting ideas for her future home....she better stick with school and become a really great biologist! The first thing we did was to go to Everett's community pool. After driving all day it was nice to float around and relax. Back at Everett's house the kids decided to shoot some pool while taking "breaks" to exercise on all of Everett and Denise's equipment. No wonder Everett and Denise are looking so great AND no wonder my kids are so skinny! We all enjoyed the great variety of drinks that they had...sort of like those wet bars in the hotel rooms. The next day we went to the zoo with Everett, (unfortunately Denise had to work). Although Sarah had somewhat of a melt down I had a really great time! Lets just say, when Sarah has had too much excitement the beast from within surfaces but we still love her! Its a shame since she is the one who likes animals the most. The zoo is where I took our Christmas picture in that really neat stand of bamboo.

We had wanted to go to the Japanese restaurant while we were there because we knew that the kids would love it. It met all our expectations and more. I wasn't sure if Erin would like the food because she doesn't really like Chinese food. I've realized that Japanese food is much less greasy and the flavoring is not so overpowering as Chinese food. As a weird coincidence, it was me and Tom's anniversary so we were treated to some sort of umbrella ceremony. The restaurant sent us home with a picture of us and the family and a special set of chopsticks. Everett and Denise treated us to dinner...thanks again guys.

We had a great time at Everetts but on to Tennessee! We made a short trek to Lookout Mountain. We rode the very steep and scary inclined railroad and the entire time discussed what would happen if the cable broke. We did manage some nervous glances at the view. We spent more time looking once we reached the top. We also went to Rock City and walked through and were quite impressed with all the interesting places. I've always enjoyed walking and hiking and it was just enough to be fun but not poop me out. Sarah wouldn't go on the rope bridge and Erin was a little weak in the knees as she crossed but Thomas wanted to bounce up and down. Some yelling ensued and he calmed down. Ha ha. I think my favorite attraction was the Tennessee Aquarium. It has two buildings one for ocean fish and one for fresh water fish. It had some really unusual exhibits. For example the jelly fish. You were in a darkened area with the jelly fish tanks lit up to make them look even neater. The IMAX theater has stadium seating and had a really neat show. Sarah was out of her funk and had a great time.

On to Dollywood. I think that by the time we got there we were all vacationed out. I think we would have enjoyed ourselves more if it had been at the beginning of our trip. I had booked the best hotel room here and it had a kitchen, balcony and a lot of room. They had an indoor and outdoor pool, a small lazy river, two hot tubs and a kiddy pool. It was situated by a small brook were ducks hung out and small rabbits were frolicking. The free breakfast was the best. Needless to say we mostly wanted to spend our time here relaxing. Fortunately we had allowed for one day of doing nothing. We went to Dixie Stampede one night (a dinner show like Medieval Times).

Our final stop was Monticello in Virginia and then finally home.


CHAPTER 3

We were pretty low key the rest of the summer just going to the beach house and spending time there with Maureen (Tom's sister) and her family when she rented her own bungalow. The kids start school the last Monday of August and we needed to get sports physicals for them to run cross country. Erin started high school (9th grade) with some ambivalence but it has turned out that she is quite happy. She is still playing violin and is doing great. She had problems with her legs so spent much of the cross country season not running. Sarah started middle school (6th grade) with ME having some ambivalence but she is doing great. She's quite smart and if she could just stop worrying then she would realize this! She's still playing viola and is on the math team - quite an accomplishment for a 6th grader. Thomas is in 10th grade....he's just happy being with his geeky friends who like calculators and computer programming as much as him!


CONCLUSION

I finished up 2008 in the mad dash to buy all the Christmas presents and make the kids the traditional Christmas Eve pajamas. Erin has a giraffe pattern, her favorite animal. Sarah wanted cows and she got them and Thomas looks like he has animal tracks all over him... its a nice blue though.

I'm hoping for a great 2009! I wish you all peace, happiness and good health!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

SHE CAN FLY!!

LIFE IN THE POCONOS!

SARAH CARVING HER PUMPKIN ON SUNDAY

SARAH BUILDING A SNOWMAN ON TUESDAY!

WHAT ELSE WOULD A LEAF BLOWER BE FOR?

We've never owned a leaf blower before. Thomas loves it. Not only did he blow the leaves into a big pile but he had some fun using it to shoot a foam ball up in the air. He got some left over pvc drain pipe, lined it up with the end of the leaf blower, inserted the ball and away it flew. He was shooting it straight up into the air and I decided I was going to try to catch it when it came back down. My dog Beau decided he needed to run right in front of me just when I was looking up and running to get the ball. Down I went and if Beau wasn't such a big dog he would have went splat! I knocked him over and landed quite hard on his chest. Hard enough to make him bark/squawk! He got up and before we knew it he was following me around and getting in my way once again! Eventually, I did catch that ball! Oh yeah, I wasn't hurt in the fall either!

Note Thomas's ear protection. He will grow up with perfect hearing because he uses those ear muffs for everything!