ME AND MY IDEAS

An issue came up recently with my 11 year old daughter Erin that prompted me to contemplate how I have parented my children. I am happy with how I am raising my children and I feel no need to defend it nor brag about any successes that I've had in raising them. I choose to write about it here simply because I want to. Even in the short time that I have been blogging my reasons for my blog have evolved. I like to write and when I started this blog I thought it would be a perfect outlet and maybe I could write things that would be interesting or funny to other people. That would still be nice. However, it requires an effort to get other people to visit your blog and then its hard to worry about whether other people actually enjoy what you've written. Now I'm just writing mainly for myself. And I hope one day my children will enjoy it too. So if you do happen to read this, remember this is something I want to write and remember.

The issue Erin had concerned her observations of how another parent was disciplining their child (her best friend). It started a very involved discussion that began that day between her and I. It spilled over into the next day and ended up including all three of my kids.

I started out by telling her that the way I am as a parent is different from 95% of other parents. Her friend would survive her punishment. That's just the way life is.

Then we discussed the way I parent:

I see my children as people. I see them as my equal in many ways. They deserve to be treated as I would treat another adult. In some ways they are not my equal. I have more wisdom than them so I need to teach them how they should behave in the world. In some ways they are better than me. In their innocence, they always try their hardest to be good people. I don't really think I try as hard as them and in that way, they are better than me.

I have told them to do some things just because I said so. But in general that is not my philosophy. I am one of those annoying people who discuss and explain everything. That does not mean that I let them get away with things.

I do sometimes scream and yell and go crazy. I do frequently apologize when my reaction is out of line with whatever they did wrong. I tell them I still think they did something wrong, but I was grumpy so I got a bit out of control on the yelling thing. I started the apologizing thing when I realized that I would never be able to totally stop yelling. I'm sometimes impatient, sometimes I get a headache, so sometimes I yell!!

I made up three rules when my kids were little and I've never had to add any.
1. Never hurt someone physically.
2. Never hurt someone with your words.
3. Always be safe in whatever you are doing.

These rules don't just apply to them, but they also apply to me. Therefore, I have never hit or spanked my kids. I used to be annoying and get on my soapbox a bit about it because I felt a need to defend my no spanking position. I no longer feel that need. I used to have a special hold to restrain my son when he was trying to attack me when he was young.
I can only remember saying something really mean once. I told my daughter that she was being a mean and nasty little girl. It hurt me as it was coming out of my mouth. How mean and nasty was I being?
Hmm. The safety one, maybe I'm not so good about that one. Hee! Hee!

I have never had any regular chores for my kids. I expect them to help me whenever I ask them to but its not very often. They almost never make their beds, for that matter neither do I!!

I have never forced them to eat anything. Sometimes they want soda or koolaid with their breakfast and I let them have it. They love broccoli and spinach and almost all vegetables. Sometimes they want just a banana for dessert. My only guideline with eating is that they can't eat all junk and no good stuff. I did not breastfeed. I tried for five days with my last munchkin before I decided it was not for me. Here's the real kicker, I really don't think it mattered.

My only guideline for clothes is that they need to have clean undies and no dressing sexy for school. Nothing needs to match and a stain here and there is no big deal.

Never had a rule about no toy guns.

They could jump on the beds until they weighed 50 or so pounds. They still climb all over the couches.

Now that they are older (8, 11 and 12 years old), I can't remember the last time that I punished them. Even when they were little, all they ever had to do was go to their room for a little while.

Many people over the years have judged my decisions. You need to spank them. They don't eat enough. Don't you think you could try a little harder to breastfeed? I could see many people gritting their teeth and holding back judgements.

All those years of going against the grain of standard parenting ideas. But in the end, I'm happy, they are happy, and things have worked out just fine. I just smile and nod when someone tells me how great my kids behave. How I've done such a great job raising them. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I wish I had known that for all those years.