I MISS THE SNOW!!!

I sit by my window looking at the flakes falling. I know that they will not amount to anything. I miss the snow! About a week ago we got a light dusting and while walking Beau I soaked in the sound of the snow crunching under my feet. I began weaving back and forth acrossed the dirt road so I could hear the sound more. I glanced over my shoulder wondering if anyone was watching and what they would think. I know I am somewhat childlike in my desire for a good snowstorm. As an adult I am supposed to complain that snow is on the way instead of lamenting when its not. I like to watch the snow from the comfort of my warm house as well as lay down in it to make a snow angel. I haven't been sledding once this year or "sliding" as we called it in NH. Boo hoo! SNOW WHERE ART THOU?!?!

SOME THINGS JUST AREN'T VERY EFFECTIVE

I like to tell people that although teachers generally love my kids, the school system will curse the day that they were introduced to me. It started out when my son was registered for kindergarten and I was one of the few parents who spoke up with a question. "Will there be some sort of person on the bus besides the bus driver because I think they may have to hold my son on there?" Yes, I was serious. No, they did not have anyone there. Yes, he stayed on the bus and went quite happily to school.

So now I have been sending my kids off to school for almost 9 years and it seems that I have some sort of "serious" issue come up at least once a year. I can see how this may be contrued as me being a problem parent. In my humble opinion I am not being difficult at all. Most times that I am unhappy with something I let it slide. Its only occasionally I really get my dander up. I usually ask myself three questions. What is the other side of the story and is it possibly justified? How is this affecting my child? Is it possible that by presenting my point of view that things could change for the better?

My general mode of communication is a letter sent to the appropriate person. I have only gone above a teacher directly to the principal once. This was when the teacher (a substitute math teacher) was not capable of teaching the material and I just couldn't imagine how I would tell them that. I usually wait some time before I write the letter so I am able to formulate my thoughts and opinions. I write a rough draft and change it many times. I try to make sure my letter is not attacking the person who reads it. There is no hope for change if the person feels defensive.

As Dr. Phil would say "How's that working for you?" Well, I would say my success ratio is VERY low. Actually, I can think of only once or twice that something changed for the better. The first time is when my son's first grade teacher was a screamer and I called her on it and she definitely toned it down. The second time was when my daughter (in fifth grade) was not allowed to bring a bottle of water to school because it was against the school policy. The principal very condensendingly told me some one could slip a drug into the bottle. Please note that the thermos of soup she often brought was never a problem. I was told that I needed to write a letter giving permission for her to bring one. I wrote the letter although the policy was not changed. Other than that I am not very successful.

My most recent letter was sent in yesterday to Thomas's eighth grade math teacher. In a nutshell she paired the students with partners, had them study together and warned them that they'd better make sure that their partner knew the material because when they each took their test, the grades would be averaged together to come up with their final test grade. Thomas got a 105% (answered a bonus question right) and his partner got a 62%. So Thomas's grade went down more than 20% and his partner's went up more than 20%. This is so obviously wrong, I felt I had no choice when Thomas presented the problem to me. I had to write a letter. I tried as gently as I could to present my opinion, but its a little rough to tell a teacher "you are wrong". I am still waiting to hear from the teacher and its possible that I never will.

So what am I doing wrong? Why don't I see more change? It's possible that I am being too gentle and if I was more aggressive I would get my way. I am not agressive unless I think that my kids future will be changed in a seriously negative way. I still think my way of striving for change is the way I'll go even if it so rarely works. I feel as if parents and teachers should be in a partnership to educate kids. I'm hoping that one day I will meet a teacher that has the confidence to not get defensive and really consider my requests. On the other hand, it is always hard to hear when we are wrong and even more difficult to admit and fix our mistakes. I put my self in the teachers shoes and cringe. I wonder how open minded I would be.

WHO I WANT TO BE PART 2

And another thing....

Often when I've made a dumb mistake I turn it into a joke. Its not uncommon for me to let people know how stupid I've been. On the one hand I do think my mistakes are funny, but on the other hand I think I should be aware how this makes other people see me. I realize that some people see me as flakey. Therefore, they treat me as flakey and probably spread the word that I am flakey. I'm really not an airhead, I just see humor in a lot of things.

Here's an example. Recently, I asked the girls ballet teacher how much it would cost for the girls to attend dance class. She told me $75 (per month) and I knew I should write it down because with everything else I have to remember it might slip my mind. Sure enough, by the next week I wasn't sure how much she had said so I asked Erin if she remembered. Erin guessed $72 while I thought $75. On the way to ballet I thought of how I was going to ask her how much I owed her. In my mind I began with a joke about how of course I forgot like I always do. I'm so old. I no longer have a brain. Then I stopped myself. Why not just say I forgot how much it would be, could she please tell me again. I realized that my joking was a subtle put down of myself. Continually doing this, is only going to give the impression that although I may be nice enough, I'm a little off my rocker. Certain people will always understand who I really am but the general population only knows me for how I project myself in these little snippets of daily life. A joke here and there is harmless but I think I should be a little more mindful of what I say.

WHO I WANT TO BE

I am the kind of person who tends to react emotionally. For example, when my sister-in-law's dog bit me on Thanksgiving day, I laughed it off. Inside I was quite ruffled but instead of calming my emotions down, I reacted with laughter. It was not really funny but I felt as if my only options were to make light of the situation or let anger get the best of me. Its sort of a fight or flight scenario. The option that I seemed unable to exercise was being calm but truthful. This is the kind of person I wish I could be. Unfortunately, the situations that I most want to practice this in are those in which I'm in a state of shock. Its only after something like this has happened that I look back and wish I could have calmed down first and then reacted. Changing this particular aspect of my personality would probably not change the outcome in a positive way but would change how I feel about myself. I don't really want to react with anger to people, but I also don't want to laugh inappropriately. It bothers me that I have somehow made them think that I feel its no big deal that their dog bit me. The truth is that this dog should be locked in another room when people are around. I could have easily said "Wow, that hurt, I'm bleeding. The next time we visit, could you please make sure the dog isn't around me or the kids". If my in-laws knew that I felt this way, I'm sure that they still wouldn't lock the dog up because it would bark and they can't stand to think the dog is unhappy. I'm sure however, that they would be upset with me for thinking bad thoughts about their dog. It would put an incredible strain on our relationship. I guess the problem is that the truth hurts even if its said in a calm way. I don't really want that kind of conflict. Yet, by avoiding conflict I am not being true to myself. I really wish I hadn't laughed, even if I had just said and done nothing.

My post wasn't supposed to be about me getting bit by a dog. I'm really looking at a bigger picture of wanting to be more thoughtful in life. I have wisdom and wish I could use it more often when I'm under pressure. Its true that people treat you how you let them treat you. I wish I could reap the benefits of interacting with people in a more calm way.

AMNESIA

See the post below to understand why hitting your head on rocks can be a good thing!

DREAMS

I know that some people like to analyze their dreams but for me its just not worth spending much time. My dreams are either super obvious to analyze or so weird that you would never figure out what they meant. I never have nightmares. I really mean never. I think I've only had a couple dreams that were even slightly scarey. What does that say about me? That I'm really brave or just too stupid to be scared of anything?

So an example of one of those bizarre dreams is one that I had a couple weeks ago. In my dream I needed to blow my nose and couldn't find a tissue. I saw a very flexible pair of running sneakers and blew my nose on them. Then along comes "Brad" a character from an MTV reality show called "The Real World" and he's extremely upset over the fact that I've blown my nose on his sneakers. I am profusely sorry and tell him I'll clean them off. Dream ends with me cleaning the sneakers. Now what could that mean other than I watch too much MTV?

Just before bed last night I watched a show on Pakistan, the Taliban and Afghanistan. After falling asleep I again dreamed of a reality show. This time I was a participant on some unknown reality show with other people. One young woman on the show continuously found reasons to cry. By the end of my dream (or the end of the episode however you want to look at it) I was fed up with her blubbering. I finally snapped and told her how she should appreciate her wonderful life we have here in the United States and how bad it was for people in other places like Africa or Afghanistan. Then some other people were cleaning the house we were living in and I decided to vacuum. The loud vacuuming annoyed all the other people. That coupled with the fact that I had been so mean to the sobbing, young woman meant I was sure to get voted off in the next elimination round. Once again I must watch too much TV. Sadly, I now have a slight fear of vacuuming. Okay, okay, I'm just using that as an excuse to not vacuum.

This post has made it clear to me that my real fear is the fear of analyzing my dreams. You see, now I know that I watch too much TV. That can't be a good thing. If I hadn't tried to analyze my dreams I would still be blissfully unaware of that fact. If I'm lucky, I'll hit my head and develop amnesia.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Well, I never really make New Year's resolutions because I am always trying to become a better person. Sometimes I fail and sometimes I am successful so I don't like to pressure myself by announcing an official resolution. I do like to reflect on the past year and then wonder what the new year will bring. We started a new tradition this year of writing predictions for the new year in a journal that we will bring out next New Year's eve. Erin made a prediction that we will lose the journal - too funny! Also in the journal we put down the kids current heights and weights and then they predicted what they would be next year. We took a picture of the kids and taped that in there too. I really hope we don't lose it! We also wrote down a few of the main events that happened to us in 2006. This is a tradition that was started by a college friend who had New Year's eve parties for quite a few years after we graduated. Those predictions were always fueled by alcohol but the kids and I had plenty of fun sober! Maybe we were feeling just a little bit drunk from that nonalcoholic sparkling grape juice!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Notice in the picture the kids are in front of the tower and ball that Thomas built out of kinex. With the help of a little motor, the ball dropped here in Pennsylvania at midnight as well as in Times Square! It was perfectly synchronized!

MY RED COUCH

The picture quality isn't so great but here's a photo of my new red couch. I love the cozy look it has snuggled by a fire crackling in the fireplace.

Even the simple act of buying a new couch can make me philosophical. It started when the delivery man was unwrapping my couch. "WHOOOHOOO RED!!! Last week we delivered green and this week red!" He was NOT making note of the Christmas coincidence. I thought this was very funny. I sent an email to someone I know to show them a picture of my new couch and told her about what the delivery man had said. I added "apparently the couch is bright". Her reply was a list of things I could do to tone down the color. Hmmm. My email had not said that I was unhappy with the couch. I don't want to tone it down.

But now I am bothered. You may think that I am bothered by the fact that people will not like my couch. Like my friend, they will probably see it and suggest ways to tone it down. Yes I am slightly worried about that but I am more concerned by the fact that I am even slightly worried about what people think of my couch! I'm 42 years old and you would think that I'd have this under wraps by now! I don't like the idea of being controlled by other's opinions. Some day I would love to be in a state of mind where things like this don't even cross my mind. I wonder if by mentioning the delivery man's exclamation that I showed some sort of insecurity. An insecurity that invited suggestions on ways to "fix my mistake". Was the insecurity already there or did it show up once the suggestions had been made?

I AM THE RED COUCH KIND OF PERSON but many times over the years I've found ways to fit in with the status quo. Most people try to fit in and those that don't usually are labelled weirdos. I want to be comfortable with being a weirdo!

WHAT WAS I THINKING?

Erin was only 11 months old in this picture. Notice that she has climbed onto the arm of a rocking chair and is working her way up the Fisher Price kitchen set.....and all I could think of doing was snapping a picture. Keep in mind as she was balancing precariously, I had to go get my camera and take the shot. Apparently, I felt like I had enough time to call Thomas over for a picture together because I have another photo with him in it. What kind of mother was I?

NIGHTTIME WALKS WITH BEAU

Our dog Beau has never needed to have a regular schedule with his walks. Mostly, he would just hang out with us outside and the days that he didn't go on a walk he would just wander around in our large yard for his potty breaks (we own over 5 acres). He always got enough exercise tagging along with the kids. At the end of the summer after months of dealing with his bouts of diarrhea I decided that along with new food and medication I needed to make sure he got a "real" walk almost everyday. Many times this walk ends up being at the end of the day in the dark. I grab a flashlight and head out along our dirt roads. I would probably be a little nervous about meeting a bear if I didn't have Beau with me! Its a weird feeling strolling along through the wilderness at night. I sometimes wonder what little eyes are watching me from the bushes. On the otherhand I probably have nothing to worry about with Beau barreling through like a bull in a china shop! So far we haven't met any fragrant little friends!

Last night my walk was spectacular. We've had an unseasonably warm fall and all I needed was a sweatshirt to keep warm. A storm had just blown through and the wind was still whipping. The sky was clear with only a few puffy clouds left over. The moon was beaming so brightly that I didn't need my flashlight to see where I was going. It was a bit unreal looking up to see the clouds moving so quickly acrossed the face of the moon. It almost felt like a dream but then I realized this is my reality. I realize how lucky I am to love where I live.