GOOD BYE BEAU

BEAU HARTMANN

1996 - NOVEMBER 5, 2009

LOVED BY ALL

About two weeks ago I had to have Beau "put to sleep". He had brain cancer and had started to have seizures. Although he recovered from his seizures after a day or two he was never the same as he had been. Even though he was thirteen, he was known for frolicking around like a puppy right up until about two months ago. After his third seizure I brought him to the vet and knew what had to be done. Yes, I could have dragged out his life but chose to let him go. Now that it is done, I have no regrets. I realize that I was becoming used to him dragging around without much zest for life. I prefer to remember him as that happy go lucky dog that never met a stranger. He loved everyone and everyone loved him. People who didn't like dogs liked him. How could you not like him when he came charging at you as if you were the best person in the world that had nothing better to do than scratch him behind the ears! We got him when he was 5 and spent 7 1/2 happy years with him. I have many fond memories of him and still miss him. I miss tripping over him, I miss the walks I had to bring him on rain or shine, I miss feeding him pop corn, I miss having him clean up every crumb that hit the floor and so many other things!

Good bye Beau...

CROSS COUNTRY RUNNING

This year Sarah joined the middle school cross country team so that means that all three of my kids are now runners. I really enjoy being on the sidelines, watching the whole process. I am happy and proud of my kids but maybe for different reasons than one would think.


Thomas is the fast runner of the family, the team member that the coach counts on to do well. Of course it makes him happy to do well but what really makes him happy is the act of running. He loves cross country because the races are over three miles long. He really wants to try running a 10K race which is about twice as long as that. When I try to imagine what is making him happy, I think it must be the feel of his body moving so fast and smoothly over the terrain. The feel of being young and strong. To know that his body can run eight miles in practice must be wonderful. I can see it in his eyes, in his smile.


Erin is not a fast runner but I know that she also enjoys the act of running because she has said so. She can run without the pressure of having the coaches push her to beat the other team. When she runs I don't need to count on her winning to praise her because I have no problem seeing good things. I have watched her for 3 years improving. This year I've seen how strong her body has become, the muscles in her legs have become defined. Her form is now that of a strong runner, gone is the exhausted look she had in the beginning. She must feel it too. Inside of her must be that deep satisfaction that comes from hard work. A pride that is too often squelched in teenage girls.


Sarah has only been practicing for three weeks and this is the hardest time for any runner. The aching muscles, the frustration of your body not being as strong or fast as you'd like and the nagging feeling that maybe you just aren't good enough. The only way of overcoming these things is to stick with it. As a parent this is where things get tough. I'm supposed to say encouraging things at a time when she feels so discouraged. Through the tears I just want to tell her to forget it, just quit. In some ways she wants to hear that very thing but we both know that just shouldn't happen. Not now. She needs to meet this challenge. She needs to see it through and hopefully in the end she'll think its worth it. She will see the improvement and feel the strength. As I came to pick her up from practice one day I saw her sprinting the last little bit. When she got into the van she told me how she just loved the feel of zooming along and seeing the ground flying by under her. Its there, that love of running, we'll just hope it survives the pain!

CHANGING SEASONS

This was a post that I wrote in the middle of January 2009 and for some reason never published it...I wonder why? I find that interesting so have decided to publish it now just at the end of summer, a glimpse into the heart of winter.

I'm not one to spend much time watching the weather channel so this new snow that is falling is a bit of a surprise for me. I usually count on other people to tell me about the approach of the latest storm or I just let the weather happen as it will. The last I heard we were just getting a few snow showers. I would guess we already have 5 inches and its still coming down.

I am not sick of winter yet. I haven't had a chance to go ice skating. We were planning to go today but I will have to see if anyone has the energy to shovel off the spot on the lake. By the time February rolls around winter will be a drag. Gone will be the joy of a freshly fallen snow. Tending a toasty fire will just become a chore. The biting cold will no longer be brisk and refreshing. March will taunt us with a few warm days only to be followed by a whirling snow storm. I'll long for spring. I'll pay attention to every little sign. In February I will listen for the birds. They sing more and more because they realize soon the warm weather will come. Before I know it, the geese will be coming back and the green will sprout.

I love the changing of the seasons. Just when you think you can't take anymore of one season, another one jumps in to take over.

LIVING GREEN

I hate getting sucked into doing things because they are a fad. Lately, the big fad seems to be living green and saving money. I've had a garden for years and I really have always loved to be careful with my money. Some of the things that I've done have seemed laughable in the past but now are common place.

I save almost all my kitchen scraps in a bucket on my back deck for composting. I've made sure to not let my neat freak in laws see it but now it may be something that I can be proud of. I often walk around with dirt under my fingernails because I don't usually wear gardening gloves. I can now be proud instead of worrying what people will think of me. Instead of wondering why I have a dilapidated fence in a spot on my front lawn visitors ask what I'm growing.

Instead of explaining that I hate shopping and would rather not spend unnecessarily, people might ask me how I manage to save so much. No longer will I be smirked at while rifling through my coupons.

To be fair, over the years most people have not criticized me for my way of being but now its nice to revel in the fact that I may be admired for my garden and cheapness! I wonder how long this fad will last?

MY KIDS ARE GREAT PEOPLE

Dear Friend,

I meant to write about this in my last post but I sort of got off on a tangent and it didn't seem to fit in very well and I decided to make it a separate post.

As my kids have grown older I've been able to enjoy them as people more. When they were younger I was spending much of my time teaching them how to be good people and teaching them to be able to live a happy and fulfilling life. I still do guide them but mostly they've become who they will be. And I like them. I like to spend time with them. I like to have everyday conversations with them. If they weren't already my children I would choose them as friends.

It may not be socially correct to say that time with younger kids can be a lot of tedious work but it can be. Its hard to read that same children's book for the 500th time. Its hard to answer those endless questions that start with "why..." I know that I was supposed to be dreamy eyed with wonderment as my children discovered the world but its hard to do that when you are changing a poopy diaper or surviving one of many tantrums. Its maddening when someone tells you to cherish every moment because time goes so fast. I can remember many times when I did feel awe in the magic of motherhood. I can remember staring at Thomas when he read his first chapter book. I still smile when I think about Erin crashing her electric jeep and her first thought was the safety of Sarah who was riding with her. Sarah amazed me when she was two and she drew a picture of me flying a kite and I could actually tell what it was. Yes many times it is enjoyable but that doesn't change the fact that its so much gosh darn work!

Now that I have a preteen and two teenagers I don't need to do so much work. I don't need to be following them around every minute guiding them through life. More and more they are following their own paths. Each path is interesting and I get to walk beside them instead of pushing from behind. I'm spending this time with them and mostly not worrying where it leads. Its nice to enjoy them without the worry. I feel confident that they can handle the bumps along the way.

THESE ARE THE BEST DAYS OF MY LIFE

Dear Friend,

Although some days I'm grumpy, I realize that these days truly are the best days of my life. After the many unhappy days of my childhood and the following adult years when I was trying to sort out my past, I am finally in a time when I can just sit back and soak in the happiness. Sometimes I look back with regret on how much time that seemed to be wasted on lamenting my relationship with my parents. I guess it was just what I needed to go through at the time.

This is a time that most of the hard work has been done raising my kids. They've reached an age where I can enjoy the fruits of my labor. All the worrying whether I was doing the right thing has come to a point that I can realize yes, I was doing the right thing. I'm not saying that I don't have bad days where I wonder if I've made some mistakes. I have made some mistakes and sometimes this thought can be overwhelming, but in general I am happy with myself as a mother. I am extremely happy with my kids. I have a great husband and three great kids and that means that I am surrounded by people who I love and people who love me. What more could a person ask for? In a world where success is measured in dollars, I know a secret. Success is not about how much money you make or how many things you possess, it's about how happy you are. Everyone wants to be loved and unfortunately some people confuse popularity or admiration for love. I may not be super popular and I may not have hoards of people admiring me, but I have four people who love me. FOUR! A person could be happy with just one person loving them and I've got FOUR!

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!


I know I don’t always tell you how much I appreciate you but after 22 years of marriage I couldn’t ask for a better husband.

I appreciate what a good father you are and how you would rather be with your family than anywhere else. You never acted like you were “babysitting” the kids when they were younger. I could leave them with you without having to worry.

I appreciate that you are calm and not prone to worry about the same things as me.

I appreciate all the jobs you do around the house; like taking care of the cars, getting the garbage ready, emptying the dishwasher on the weekend, carrying the laundry down the stairs for me, straightening the shoes up and so MANY other things.

I appreciate that you seem to think I look like a super model even though I’m a pleasingly plump middle aged house wife.

I appreciate that you always want to listen to me, even my sometimes repeated stories.

I appreciate that you always like my cooking.

I appreciate that you don’t complain about the menagerie of animals that we have in the house.

I appreciate that you go to work everyday to earn money even when you don’t feel like it.

I appreciate that you pop the camper up and put it down and that you can back it into those spaces at the campground!

These are just some of the things that I appreciate about being married to you! How lucky we are that some how with you being in New Jersey and me being in New Hampshire we still met and what a lucky day when you decided to visit me on my farm!

LOVE,
ELISE

LIVING THE GOOD LIFE

Yesterday Sarah, Thomas, Beau and I walked down to the lake. After spending a little time at the dam, we went to the beach. As we were letting Beau frolic in the water and Thomas skip rocks, Sarah and I watched the geese slowly swimming towards us. Sarah commented how great it would be to be like the geese. They were in no hurry to get anywhere. Their whole life is about eating, sleeping and pooping. They didn't have a care in the world. I told Sarah that we could be like them but she'd probably be bored. It does make a person stop to ponder how we live our lives. Are we really happy with what we choose to do?

A couple times in my life I've had people make comments about their lives that made me sit back and wonder. Once, a long time ago, I was in a local grocery store that I had briefly worked at. I considered the job to be the worse that I ever had. As I was chatting with the check out woman she came out with "I LOVE my job! I will probably work here forever!" She really meant it. She loved her job and since she must have spent 40 hours every week there, she apparently loved her simple little life. She was quite young, in her early 20's. To tell you the truth, my first reaction was shock. How could this be? My second reaction was to admire her for her great outlook on life. In the end, who am I to say that her life is simple. Her life is enriched and fulfilling. All because of her positive attitude.

Even longer ago, I was still living in New Hampshire and working as a cashier at the local hospital cafeteria. I did like that job most of the time and have many fond memories of the people I worked with. Another cashier, Evelyn, an older woman, seemed to be a bit of a grump. One day I had a chance to look beyond her grumpy side and find out that she too enjoyed life. How many of us in New Hampshire liked to complain about the long, cold winter? Not Evelyn, she loved the winter. She lived for the winter because she loved to ride snowmobiles. When she talked of this her eyes lit up. I guess she'll never be a snowbird heading to Florida for the winter.

In general I love my life but many times I choose to complain instead of appreciate. Gratefulness is not something that always comes naturally to me. Sometimes it does but all to often I get sucked into the annoyances. When I look at the big picture, I realize that all these negative events that are seemingly crucial at the time, are really just a blip on the radar of life.

Recently I had a situation that once again caused me to focus on my health. A new problem. I spent one day turning it over, around and sideways. I spent another day with it churning around in my subconscious. The emotions leaving a hole bouncing around in my stomach. Today, the third day, I am going to try my darnedest to get it out of there. It is not something that is affecting the way I feel physically, just another thing to worry about. Where did worry ever get anyone?

As I said, sometimes having a positive attitude is difficult for me but more and more I am trying to learn to say "I love my life!"

QUE SERA, SERA

Dear Friend,

I read a few blogs and wonder if other people feel pressure to write frequent posts. I do not have followers to my blog so I never feel pressure to keep on posting. Its nice to be able to write when I want or not write if I don't want to.

My current phase of parenting involves preparing my kids for the fast approaching world of adulthood. Thomas is a sophomore in high school and Erin is a freshman. Sarah is still in sixth grade so she's got a ways to go. As my teenagers pick classes for next year, we begin to talk about college and the future. With these discussions come choices that seemingly will affect how they will live the rest of their lives.

I strongly feel that I want to guide my children in the direction that is best for them. On the one hand you have society's pressure that a person must reach their full potential. Give 100% to be the best that you can be. Then on the other hand I wonder if that is the best way to lead a fulfilling and happy life. Do we really need to spend every moment working as hard as we are capable of working? What will make us truly happy? My kids have the ability to get accepted at one of the top colleges but is that really what they want to do? Work their butts off and then what? Is the satisfied feeling of a job well done really enough? Does that kind of success really buy happiness? Maybe when they graduate college they will get a top paying job. A high pressure job. Then can they buy happiness? I think not.

As Thomas pointed out to me "Mom, I notice that no one talks about being happy." He said this when we were discussing how people were giving him advice on what classes to take next year. When he went to sign up for next year's schedule he had been recommended to take six college level advanced placement (AP) classes. When he said that he only wanted to take two AP classes the guidance counselor told him that he either had to take all six or meet with the teachers to discuss why he didn't want to take them. I knew from previous experience that all that was necessary was a phone call from me to remind them that I needed to sign off on the schedule and I wouldn't do that unless they listened to what Thomas wanted.

I've warned Thomas that many people in his life will want to give him free advice and that most of these people will not have his best interests in mind. The guidance counselor trying to persuade Thomas to take six AP courses is a perfect example of this. The more kids that fill the school's AP courses, the better the school looks. But as one of the AP teachers pointed out, "its at the children's expense". No one is really interested in what Thomas's life will be like ten years down the line.

So I am left with the dilemma whether I push my children to reach their full potential or do I let them know its okay to sit back and relax. Where is the line that gives them the balance that will see them through. Grades, SAT scores, extra curricular activities, college acceptance, high paying job....how much of it really matters. Will they be any happier than the Grand Union cashier who once told me "I LOVE MY JOB!!" and she really meant it?

At this point I've done what I've done. I've raised them to have a good work ethic. Is this work ethic too strong? I may never know. They will need to make their own way in this world and I hope that they will recognize what makes them happy and what makes them unhappy. I can only sit back and hope for the best.

SPRING IS COMING!

Dear Friend,

February is a month of contradictions for me. I am quite sick of winter by this time. The thought that spring will not come until April and I still have to survive March is a bit depressing. On the other hand, it makes me appreciate all the little signs that spring is right around the corner. Every year I notice some new thing that signals the coming of the warm weather. The first sign I always notice are the birds singing their new songs. I guess they are letting potential mates know that they are almost ready to start a family.

I've been walking Beau through the woods this year instead of on the road and I've noticed even more signs there. I see mouse tracks going from hole to hole. They are starting to come out of their miniature dens. I like to picture them hopping about. I see an extra long trail that starts out with a lot of distance between tracks until the mouse tires and the hops are shorter. I see the trail that sinks deep into the snow...a fat mouse? There are small tunnels close to the surface of the snow, I guess these must be moles. I see where the squirrels are now digging down through the snow to get to acorns that they stashed last fall. This is new and I wonder if maybe they first eat the ones stored in trees and now they are getting more desperate.

The weather has been warming up these past couple of days and I appreciate this more than I would once spring is here in full force. Every day that the thermometer gets into the 40's is a blessing in disguise! I know that the temperature will plunge once again but the closer we get to spring the less dramatic the fluctuations will be.

By February the windows on the vehicles are so encrusted with salt that we have trouble seeing out of them. Yesterday Tom went to wash the van at the car wash as a birthday present for me. With the warm weather people were out in droves washing their cars. The human hibernation is over!

So, although February can be draining it can also be inspiring. I don't take all those little things for granted.....once spring is here I will be happy but complaining about those monster Pennsylvania black flies swarming about my head!

UNSOLICITED ADVICE

Dear Friend,

I have a relationship that I've been thinking about a lot. This person continuously gives me unsolicited advice. She does have a lot of redeeming qualities. She can be very nice and caring. She can also be sort of mean. I use the words sort of because she is never blatant in her meanness. She's a know-it-all who loves to tell people what to do. She analyzes everything I tell her and tells me what I'm doing wrong. Nothing makes her happier than to tell someone "I told you so." She talks behind her friends backs. She considers me a friend and I know she talks behind my back as well.

I've tried to figure out why I've become friends with her. Am I somehow attracted to her because I need to be abused? Do I feel as if I deserve this? It's said that people treat us the way they do because we let them. Do I need to stop her from treating me this way? Do I need to end the friendship? Right now I feel as if I'm in a holding pattern. I have resorted to being careful with everything I tell her until I fiure this thing out. Its been a way to protect myself from hurtfulness.

Its on my mind because I feel that I am on the cusp of understanding something significant. I'm on the edge of figuring this out but I can't quite get a grip on it. There are many people like her. I don't think they really search out weak people. She's in discriminant in who she inflicts herself on. The only thing that changes is how people react to her. It has helped me to look at all people that have similar characteristics. I thought about all people who try to have power over others. They may all do it in different ways but the bottom line is still about power.

Before, I've always felt that her advice is her way of showing she cares. I'm now coming to see things a different way. If she truly cared, she would see that her words often hurt me and she would stop. Instead she seems to enjoys these interactions. I see her with one of those old fashioned ice hooks. She hooks me with her words. I fight and kick but she drags me along anyways. I've been wondering what she gets out of this. I've come to the conclusion that a person like this loves to see people squirm. It makes them feel powerful to control others with their words. And what is power all about? Ego. It boosts their ego. And why would someone need their ego boosted? Because they are insecure. Understanding this will serve me well when dealing with all people.

I'm still formulating my plan for how I will now handle our "friendship" but I'm glad I've gotten this far in my understanding. I need to picture myself being pinned down by one of these bullies and being able to handle it with grace. Unfortunately, I do see this person as a bully. It may seem like a harsh word but I think that is the part that I have been on the edge of understanding. It took me so long to figure this out because it is so harsh. This is a person I called a close friend but this person is indeed a bully.

DEAR FRIEND

The reason I write this blog is to have a diary of the happenings in my life and my thoughts and feelings about those happenings. Although I do not really have a following like some bloggers do, I like that this is public because it keeps me from revealing names or saying really hurtful things. I would not want a journal that displays just a meanness. I purposely do not tell my friends and relatives about this blog because I would have to censor myself in ways that I would not like. I would have to wonder if they would take something the wrong way or think that I was talking about them. I've found in my interactions with my friends and relatives they are often very sensitive and manage to twist my words to make themselves believe I've hurt them. Maybe its true that I am a mean person but I've learned to try to be careful with what I say. In the end however, I feel as if I'm only talking about mundane things with them. Whether I'm mean or not, this is who I am and I feel I've changed enough.

So with all this in mind I've decided to treat this blog as a good friend. A good friend who will not judge me, who listens with interest and is not overly sensitive.

WANT ME TO PLAY YOU A SONG?

I've been teaching myself to play the keyboard. I've wanted to learn to play the piano since I was a teenager. A piano was too expensive and heavy so instead we bought a used keyboard. I looked up some basic information on the Internet and printed out a few easy songs and away I went.

It has helped that my son plays quite well. I've counted on him to play songs for me so I'll know how they sound and also to recommend what I should learn next. Right now he is pushing me to move on to learn the next song...I think he's pushing for the easy version of the Entertainer. I'm not sure if he's pushing because he really thinks I'm ready or he is just sick of hearing Fur Elise over and over and over! My mantra has now become "Want me to play you a song? Guess what it will be?" I think part of the reason that I've become obsessed with this particular song is that my name is Elise. After all it was written fur me!

Obsession is definitely the word for what's going on here. One day I played so much my vision was blurry and I felt dizzy (part of my unhealthiness). Its sort of weird because I am not a person who becomes obsessed with things. My attention span is just too short. In this case I guess I've just always had this goal of being able to play and I really want that dream to come true. I want to get to the point that I am no longer struggling to play the notes but I'm playing with feeling.

I have Scott Joplin on CD and love The Entertainer. I always listen to his music and can feel his emotions and now I want to be able to play it with emotions. I guess I'm ready....on to The Entertainer!

HAPPY NEW YEAR?

As 2009 progresses I am wondering if this will be the year that I'll get my life back. I spent much I 2008 mired in all my health issues. I would wake up thinking about how awful I felt and go to sleep thinking how awful I felt. I was constantly wondering what was wrong with me and what would make me better. I can remember being in the midst of everything thinking that it had literally hijacked my life.

Somewhere along the way I realized that there wasn't going to be a magic pill to make me feel better. I think this realization happened gradually over the course of several months. I can't say that this realization was what made me stop thinking about my health constantly. What has really done that, is the fact that I do indeed feel better than I did for most of 2008. I am wary of this new found health. On the one hand I appreciate feeling better and on the other hand I wonder how long it will last. When will I be thrown back into the grip of sickness. Grip is the perfect word for how I felt. I wanted it to let go, but it seemed to be holding too tight.

I am not taking this time for granted. I appreciate my health for what it is. Not perfect but better. I have hope for the New Year.