Dear Friend,
I have a relationship that I've been thinking about a lot. This person continuously gives me unsolicited advice. She does have a lot of redeeming qualities. She can be very nice and caring. She can also be sort of mean. I use the words sort of because she is never blatant in her meanness. She's a know-it-all who loves to tell people what to do. She analyzes everything I tell her and tells me what I'm doing wrong. Nothing makes her happier than to tell someone "I told you so." She talks behind her friends backs. She considers me a friend and I know she talks behind my back as well.
I've tried to figure out why I've become friends with her. Am I somehow attracted to her because I need to be abused? Do I feel as if I deserve this? It's said that people treat us the way they do because we let them. Do I need to stop her from treating me this way? Do I need to end the friendship? Right now I feel as if I'm in a holding pattern. I have resorted to being careful with everything I tell her until I fiure this thing out. Its been a way to protect myself from hurtfulness.
Its on my mind because I feel that I am on the cusp of understanding something significant. I'm on the edge of figuring this out but I can't quite get a grip on it. There are many people like her. I don't think they really search out weak people. She's in discriminant in who she inflicts herself on. The only thing that changes is how people react to her. It has helped me to look at all people that have similar characteristics. I thought about all people who try to have power over others. They may all do it in different ways but the bottom line is still about power.
Before, I've always felt that her advice is her way of showing she cares. I'm now coming to see things a different way. If she truly cared, she would see that her words often hurt me and she would stop. Instead she seems to enjoys these interactions. I see her with one of those old fashioned ice hooks. She hooks me with her words. I fight and kick but she drags me along anyways. I've been wondering what she gets out of this. I've come to the conclusion that a person like this loves to see people squirm. It makes them feel powerful to control others with their words. And what is power all about? Ego. It boosts their ego. And why would someone need their ego boosted? Because they are insecure. Understanding this will serve me well when dealing with all people.
I'm still formulating my plan for how I will now handle our "friendship" but I'm glad I've gotten this far in my understanding. I need to picture myself being pinned down by one of these bullies and being able to handle it with grace. Unfortunately, I do see this person as a bully. It may seem like a harsh word but I think that is the part that I have been on the edge of understanding. It took me so long to figure this out because it is so harsh. This is a person I called a close friend but this person is indeed a bully.
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3 comments:
Hi, I see myself in your post and I am sorry. I do just what you say and didn't realize it. I don't mean it to be bullying. I do mean to be helpful. I will change because I have seen myself in your post. Can I say I am sorry on your 'freinds' behalf. Maybe you could tell her somehow , how it makes you feel. I need to apologize to someone I call freind and have hurt her by doing this. Thanks for the wake up call.
I did it , I apologized and all is well or better with us now. If you think this friend is worth it , let her know somehow , how you are feeling. Then if she isn't sorry. I'd say lose her. Sorry, for all the friend mis spellings in the other post, sticks out like a sore thumb now that I have read it again. She didn't see me as bad as your friend description , but, she said she knew that is just how I am and not to change the helpful part. And I am going to tone down my 'eager helpfulness' . Stand back a little and let things happen instead of trying to say what I think is 'best' to do about things.
Sorry I haven't replied to your comment I've been busy with summer vacationing, and hopefully you come back here to read my answer. After you commented the first time I went back and reread what I had written and realized how harsh it sounded. At the time I had been very hurt by this person. It was a specific thing that seemed like the straw that broke the camel's back so to say. I still have her as a friend and I am just careful with what I talk to her about. If its something that I don't want advice on I just don't bring it up. I have a lot of medical issues and she loves to give advice in that area so it is not something we talk about any more. I guess in a sense I have worked it out with her. She is older (66 years old) and I think pretty set in her ways. I'm am truly glad that you worked it out with your friend. It takes a special person to see something wrong with themselves AND do something about it. A lot of people just go around thinking they are always perfect. Other people may see flaws in themselves but then have a pity party and say "woe is me because I'm such an awful person" but they do nothing to try to better themselves.
Don't you just hate when you make a comment and you go back and see those stupid typo's and you can't change them! I do it all the time.
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