BEING UNHAPPY SOMETIMES IS OKAY

I've come to realize that I've spent a lot of time trying to make my kids happy....all the time. Looking back to when they were babies I felt like my job was to figure out why they were crying and then solve the problem so they would stop. As they got older, I needed to figure out how to stop those toddler frustrations that all too often would turn into screaming rages. It would break my heart to see them in their elementary school years facing problems at school. I couldn't be there to control every situation.

Now with my two oldest in middle school I'm overwhelmed. The entire school is filled with hundreds of adolescents with seething hormones! EEK! It seems that in the moments when they are happy, then their friend's moods bring them down. And just try to solve a problem when it comes from hormonal moodiness! So during this past year I have come to realize that being unhappy sometimes is okay. I have explored the fact that everyone has a lot of different feelings inside of them and they just happen. People get angry and sad as well as happy. So, I've been trying to just give them space to let the feelings flow. I am keeping an eye out for a pattern of unhappiness so it doesn't get out of control. I've also told them that they can spend a little alone time with their feelings so I don't get too aggravated! But you know what, we all sometimes get angry or sad about stupid things. We all have those moments when we think the whole world is against us when its not. The key is moving on from it. Getting up the next day and realizing its a new day. As long as my kids have that ability, its okay.

ARTISTS

I think everyone has a creative side. Everyone has a bit of artist in them. I have to admit though, that I used to think that really artistic people were pretending to be that way. Pretending to see things that we don't see. Pretending to like things that we could give a hoot about. Sarah has opened my eyes. I've realized for awhile now that she has an artistic personality. She is very talented when it comes to creating artwork and can draw really well for a 9 year old but its more than that. She is constantly talking to me about things that are, well, artistic. Or at least things that I had always perceived as artistic. You know, those people pretending to be that way?! The other day she told me that she wanted to draw ordinary things. Things that other people wouldn't think were important enough to draw. "Like that post right there. No one would want to draw that post. I want to draw nothing." She sees things that others don't. She observes and absorbs like a sponge. If we eat at a seafood restaurant she wants to play with the lobster shell. She moves it around and watches how it works. Staring at it intently. Seeing every minute detail.

At 9 years old, I can safely say that she hasn't read how to act like an artist. She is just being herself. I love it!

DIFFERENT

Since I posted about the artist in my family, I need to mention that I am so glad that all my kids are different. Thomas and Erin are both great at drawing but I would not describe their personalities are artistic. They have there own personalities. Thomas being a techie kind of dude and Erin is my fellow "feelings" kind of girl. Erin is probably the one who I can relate to the most although I do have a math/analytical side. Erin can really get what I'm talking about. I think we would both make good psychiatrists although it would probably end up driving us insane!! Having three different personalities in the house makes my life feel very full. I am so glad that I share different things with each of them. I am glad that I don't have a problem enjoying each of them fully. I know some parents feel a special bond with one of their kids and end up playing favorites. That has never been an issue for me. I'm sure there are times that my kids think I am playing favorites but inside of my heart I don't have a favorite. Never for a minute have I had that feeling. And for that I am grateful. It must be a burden for the parents who have a special bond with one of their kids. I have that special bond with all of mine.

JUNIOR HIGH, JUNIOR PEOPLE?

In our school district Junior High starts in sixth grade and ends in eighth grade. Its also called Middle School, not Junior High like where I grew up. Erin is in sixth grade and Thomas is in seventh grade so we are really in the thick of it. This whole process has me a bit worried. I try to remember what it was like when I was in sixth and seventh grade. It seems so different now with Erin announcing that she has seen sixth graders French kissing in an unobserved area of the hallway. That's not really the part that bothers me since I see that my kids have a more "normal" approach to the boy/girl thing. They seem to be slightlly interested, but get easily distracted.

What really worries me is the whole social interaction thing. I can see how spending their days in the Middle School just bashes away at their confidence. They seem to be holding up, but sometimes I wonder. I can point out how talented they are and let them know that it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks. But what about the constant barrage of negativity from all these other kids. I can sit back and objectively say that all these preadolescents and adolescents are just fighting to secure their spot in this world but how do I counteract their constant nastiness. I'm sure that Erin and Thomas are not contributing to the nastiness and that comes from their own confidence. They don't feel the need to put others down to build themselves up. I suppose I can take some comfort in that.

Erin talks to me more than Thomas and I can see an effect that the Middle School has had on her. It makes me sad and frustrated to see her beaten down like that. We went to my neices First Communion party and Erin didn't want to dance with me. She may believe that I was unhappy that I didn't have anyone to dance with but that wasn't the problem. I just hated to see my happy carefree girl stifled. There were girls her age there and I'm sure that had an effect on her. She's now old enough to realize that her peers are looking her up and down and judging her. But she's not old enough to realize that they are doing it in a desperate attempt to make themselves feel better. I have always told her that is why people judge you, but I think that is a bit of wisdom that takes a long time to really sink in. Took me 40 years to really understand it! I know that some people would just pass this off as a Rite of Passage, but it hurts. This is such an important time in their lives to get it right and I'm worried. Don't get me wrong, Erin is no shrinking violet, she has much more confidence than a lot of girls her age but I do see an effect. As a friend of mine always says, its like a drippy faucet. I can build them up at home but all those comments and snide remarks at school can wear them down.

What about Thomas? He seems to be fairing well, but like I said he is a bit more quiet than Erin. I guess I just have to trust him when he tells me things are okay.

I'm sure we will all survive, but I feel the need to be on top of this issue. I don't really feel that I have the key yet. In the meantime I will continue to talk and build them up at home. I will sit back and hope that is enough armor to survive the battle.