LEAVE IT TO BEAVER

I feel as if I am trapped in a Leave It To Beaver episode!

Last night my third grade daughter, Sarah, told me that she had something she wanted to tell me about and that I probably wouldn't think it was good. She explained that during recess she had been throwing her toys at a friend of hers while he was on the swing. Another girl joined in on the fun. After awhile my daughter stopped because she wanted to do something else. Since Sarah took her toys with her, the other girl decided to continue by using acorns instead. Along comes the teacher and yells at the girl for throwing things and punishes her by taking away her recess for a couple of days or so. Sarah was not caught so she got off scott free. I asked Sarah if she knew she was doing something wrong but decided to do it anyway. She said yes. I asked her if she stopped because she felt bad about doing something wrong. She said no, she just wanted to do something else. I asked her since she normally always does the right thing, why on this day did she decide to do something bad. She burst into tears and said she didn't know. She told me that she deserves to be punished and that she wanted Miss S. (the teacher) to know and to punish her. I told her that I would write a note to Miss S. but I asked Sarah how she would feel if Miss S. decided not to punish her. Sarah said she would be mad because she deserves to be punished. So I reluctantly wrote a letter to Miss S. explaining the situation and requested that she punish Sarah. I also told her that it would torture Sarah more to not be punished.

I know that I should be happy that I've raised such a conciencious little girl but in many ways I'm not. I think the entire thing is very bizarre! I can't remember the last time that I punished any of my kids. My husband jokingly told me that maybe that's why she wants to be punished. That's what she's missing in her life. I told him that I feel guilty because I think maybe I've done something to make her too good. I said she feels overly guilty. He said just like her mother....LOL!

I am not hard on my kids. I spoil them in many ways. They don't have to do any regular chores. I don't yell at them very much. Most of the time I clean up after them. I sometimes still pour drinks for my son who will be 13 years old on saturday. Pamper, spoil, overindulge that's my tendency. I know many people who are much tougher on their kids. Yet, its me who doesn't even have to punish my kids because they never do anything really bad. Yeah, they grate on my nerves, they sometimes bicker with each other, they whine but all I do is whine back and when it gets bad I yell. But nothing that they do really requires a true punishment.

Many times I've tried to figure out what I've done so right to make them so good and I just can't understand it. Many times I've wondered if being so good really is the right thing. One of the only things I can think of is that they are just reflecting back the kindness that I've shown them. The one thing that I know for sure is that I am kind to my children. Kindness influences every decision I make in raising them. Even when I have to do something "mean", I am doing it to be kind in the long run. I have never treated them like they are just children who need to be controlled. I've always thought of them as people with the same feelings that grown-ups have. When Sarah came to tell me about this incident, she didn't come in fear. She came to be comforted. She came to be hugged. To relieve her guilt about doing something wrong. She knew she could set things right and move on with life. She was confident that I wouldn't be overly upset. She is relieved and she is also proud of herself. That part of it makes me feel good.

We live in a world where many people do the wrong thing. Is there a place for my children who so much want to do the right thing? Of course I believe there is a place for them but I want to make sure that they take there place with an understanding that their goodness doesn't come at the price of their happiness. That many different people exist with many different value systems. I want them to know themselves, but also know and be wise about other people as well.