WHO I WANT TO BE

I am the kind of person who tends to react emotionally. For example, when my sister-in-law's dog bit me on Thanksgiving day, I laughed it off. Inside I was quite ruffled but instead of calming my emotions down, I reacted with laughter. It was not really funny but I felt as if my only options were to make light of the situation or let anger get the best of me. Its sort of a fight or flight scenario. The option that I seemed unable to exercise was being calm but truthful. This is the kind of person I wish I could be. Unfortunately, the situations that I most want to practice this in are those in which I'm in a state of shock. Its only after something like this has happened that I look back and wish I could have calmed down first and then reacted. Changing this particular aspect of my personality would probably not change the outcome in a positive way but would change how I feel about myself. I don't really want to react with anger to people, but I also don't want to laugh inappropriately. It bothers me that I have somehow made them think that I feel its no big deal that their dog bit me. The truth is that this dog should be locked in another room when people are around. I could have easily said "Wow, that hurt, I'm bleeding. The next time we visit, could you please make sure the dog isn't around me or the kids". If my in-laws knew that I felt this way, I'm sure that they still wouldn't lock the dog up because it would bark and they can't stand to think the dog is unhappy. I'm sure however, that they would be upset with me for thinking bad thoughts about their dog. It would put an incredible strain on our relationship. I guess the problem is that the truth hurts even if its said in a calm way. I don't really want that kind of conflict. Yet, by avoiding conflict I am not being true to myself. I really wish I hadn't laughed, even if I had just said and done nothing.

My post wasn't supposed to be about me getting bit by a dog. I'm really looking at a bigger picture of wanting to be more thoughtful in life. I have wisdom and wish I could use it more often when I'm under pressure. Its true that people treat you how you let them treat you. I wish I could reap the benefits of interacting with people in a more calm way.

AMNESIA

See the post below to understand why hitting your head on rocks can be a good thing!

DREAMS

I know that some people like to analyze their dreams but for me its just not worth spending much time. My dreams are either super obvious to analyze or so weird that you would never figure out what they meant. I never have nightmares. I really mean never. I think I've only had a couple dreams that were even slightly scarey. What does that say about me? That I'm really brave or just too stupid to be scared of anything?

So an example of one of those bizarre dreams is one that I had a couple weeks ago. In my dream I needed to blow my nose and couldn't find a tissue. I saw a very flexible pair of running sneakers and blew my nose on them. Then along comes "Brad" a character from an MTV reality show called "The Real World" and he's extremely upset over the fact that I've blown my nose on his sneakers. I am profusely sorry and tell him I'll clean them off. Dream ends with me cleaning the sneakers. Now what could that mean other than I watch too much MTV?

Just before bed last night I watched a show on Pakistan, the Taliban and Afghanistan. After falling asleep I again dreamed of a reality show. This time I was a participant on some unknown reality show with other people. One young woman on the show continuously found reasons to cry. By the end of my dream (or the end of the episode however you want to look at it) I was fed up with her blubbering. I finally snapped and told her how she should appreciate her wonderful life we have here in the United States and how bad it was for people in other places like Africa or Afghanistan. Then some other people were cleaning the house we were living in and I decided to vacuum. The loud vacuuming annoyed all the other people. That coupled with the fact that I had been so mean to the sobbing, young woman meant I was sure to get voted off in the next elimination round. Once again I must watch too much TV. Sadly, I now have a slight fear of vacuuming. Okay, okay, I'm just using that as an excuse to not vacuum.

This post has made it clear to me that my real fear is the fear of analyzing my dreams. You see, now I know that I watch too much TV. That can't be a good thing. If I hadn't tried to analyze my dreams I would still be blissfully unaware of that fact. If I'm lucky, I'll hit my head and develop amnesia.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Well, I never really make New Year's resolutions because I am always trying to become a better person. Sometimes I fail and sometimes I am successful so I don't like to pressure myself by announcing an official resolution. I do like to reflect on the past year and then wonder what the new year will bring. We started a new tradition this year of writing predictions for the new year in a journal that we will bring out next New Year's eve. Erin made a prediction that we will lose the journal - too funny! Also in the journal we put down the kids current heights and weights and then they predicted what they would be next year. We took a picture of the kids and taped that in there too. I really hope we don't lose it! We also wrote down a few of the main events that happened to us in 2006. This is a tradition that was started by a college friend who had New Year's eve parties for quite a few years after we graduated. Those predictions were always fueled by alcohol but the kids and I had plenty of fun sober! Maybe we were feeling just a little bit drunk from that nonalcoholic sparkling grape juice!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Notice in the picture the kids are in front of the tower and ball that Thomas built out of kinex. With the help of a little motor, the ball dropped here in Pennsylvania at midnight as well as in Times Square! It was perfectly synchronized!

MY RED COUCH

The picture quality isn't so great but here's a photo of my new red couch. I love the cozy look it has snuggled by a fire crackling in the fireplace.

Even the simple act of buying a new couch can make me philosophical. It started when the delivery man was unwrapping my couch. "WHOOOHOOO RED!!! Last week we delivered green and this week red!" He was NOT making note of the Christmas coincidence. I thought this was very funny. I sent an email to someone I know to show them a picture of my new couch and told her about what the delivery man had said. I added "apparently the couch is bright". Her reply was a list of things I could do to tone down the color. Hmmm. My email had not said that I was unhappy with the couch. I don't want to tone it down.

But now I am bothered. You may think that I am bothered by the fact that people will not like my couch. Like my friend, they will probably see it and suggest ways to tone it down. Yes I am slightly worried about that but I am more concerned by the fact that I am even slightly worried about what people think of my couch! I'm 42 years old and you would think that I'd have this under wraps by now! I don't like the idea of being controlled by other's opinions. Some day I would love to be in a state of mind where things like this don't even cross my mind. I wonder if by mentioning the delivery man's exclamation that I showed some sort of insecurity. An insecurity that invited suggestions on ways to "fix my mistake". Was the insecurity already there or did it show up once the suggestions had been made?

I AM THE RED COUCH KIND OF PERSON but many times over the years I've found ways to fit in with the status quo. Most people try to fit in and those that don't usually are labelled weirdos. I want to be comfortable with being a weirdo!

WHAT WAS I THINKING?

Erin was only 11 months old in this picture. Notice that she has climbed onto the arm of a rocking chair and is working her way up the Fisher Price kitchen set.....and all I could think of doing was snapping a picture. Keep in mind as she was balancing precariously, I had to go get my camera and take the shot. Apparently, I felt like I had enough time to call Thomas over for a picture together because I have another photo with him in it. What kind of mother was I?

NIGHTTIME WALKS WITH BEAU

Our dog Beau has never needed to have a regular schedule with his walks. Mostly, he would just hang out with us outside and the days that he didn't go on a walk he would just wander around in our large yard for his potty breaks (we own over 5 acres). He always got enough exercise tagging along with the kids. At the end of the summer after months of dealing with his bouts of diarrhea I decided that along with new food and medication I needed to make sure he got a "real" walk almost everyday. Many times this walk ends up being at the end of the day in the dark. I grab a flashlight and head out along our dirt roads. I would probably be a little nervous about meeting a bear if I didn't have Beau with me! Its a weird feeling strolling along through the wilderness at night. I sometimes wonder what little eyes are watching me from the bushes. On the otherhand I probably have nothing to worry about with Beau barreling through like a bull in a china shop! So far we haven't met any fragrant little friends!

Last night my walk was spectacular. We've had an unseasonably warm fall and all I needed was a sweatshirt to keep warm. A storm had just blown through and the wind was still whipping. The sky was clear with only a few puffy clouds left over. The moon was beaming so brightly that I didn't need my flashlight to see where I was going. It was a bit unreal looking up to see the clouds moving so quickly acrossed the face of the moon. It almost felt like a dream but then I realized this is my reality. I realize how lucky I am to love where I live.

TRICK OR TREATERS

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

By Sarah, 9 years old

IF THE SCHOOL DOESN'T GET ITS ACCREDITATION

If our middle school doesn't get its Middle States accreditation, it might be my fault! There is a team coming to observe all the schools in our district. Our middle school decided that they would pick some students from each grade level to go to lunch with these people. My son was one of the students that they picked. On the surface I can see why they picked him. His straight A's, his great behavior, his friendly smile. All of these are perfect reasons. Little do they know that at home he has a mother (me) who rants and raves continuously about every little problem that the schools have. Who commonly calls the principal of the elementary school an idiot. Who teaches them that every teacher has their "quirks" (also known as psychological problems) and you have to learn to work around them. These are just a few of the topics I cover in my daily dialouges entitled "problems in your school".

So my poor son feels the pressure. He's old enough to realize that he needs to apply a little BS, but maybe still young enough to get it wrong. When I found out that he was going to be the one to answer this teams questions I said, "don't take this the wrong way, but I just picture you saying something really stupid". He said "I know, I do too!" He'll try to do the right thing and say good things about the school but....somehow I just can't shake this feeling of doom! The other part of me just can't stop laughing!