UNSOLICITED ADVICE

Dear Friend,

I have a relationship that I've been thinking about a lot. This person continuously gives me unsolicited advice. She does have a lot of redeeming qualities. She can be very nice and caring. She can also be sort of mean. I use the words sort of because she is never blatant in her meanness. She's a know-it-all who loves to tell people what to do. She analyzes everything I tell her and tells me what I'm doing wrong. Nothing makes her happier than to tell someone "I told you so." She talks behind her friends backs. She considers me a friend and I know she talks behind my back as well.

I've tried to figure out why I've become friends with her. Am I somehow attracted to her because I need to be abused? Do I feel as if I deserve this? It's said that people treat us the way they do because we let them. Do I need to stop her from treating me this way? Do I need to end the friendship? Right now I feel as if I'm in a holding pattern. I have resorted to being careful with everything I tell her until I fiure this thing out. Its been a way to protect myself from hurtfulness.

Its on my mind because I feel that I am on the cusp of understanding something significant. I'm on the edge of figuring this out but I can't quite get a grip on it. There are many people like her. I don't think they really search out weak people. She's in discriminant in who she inflicts herself on. The only thing that changes is how people react to her. It has helped me to look at all people that have similar characteristics. I thought about all people who try to have power over others. They may all do it in different ways but the bottom line is still about power.

Before, I've always felt that her advice is her way of showing she cares. I'm now coming to see things a different way. If she truly cared, she would see that her words often hurt me and she would stop. Instead she seems to enjoys these interactions. I see her with one of those old fashioned ice hooks. She hooks me with her words. I fight and kick but she drags me along anyways. I've been wondering what she gets out of this. I've come to the conclusion that a person like this loves to see people squirm. It makes them feel powerful to control others with their words. And what is power all about? Ego. It boosts their ego. And why would someone need their ego boosted? Because they are insecure. Understanding this will serve me well when dealing with all people.

I'm still formulating my plan for how I will now handle our "friendship" but I'm glad I've gotten this far in my understanding. I need to picture myself being pinned down by one of these bullies and being able to handle it with grace. Unfortunately, I do see this person as a bully. It may seem like a harsh word but I think that is the part that I have been on the edge of understanding. It took me so long to figure this out because it is so harsh. This is a person I called a close friend but this person is indeed a bully.

DEAR FRIEND

The reason I write this blog is to have a diary of the happenings in my life and my thoughts and feelings about those happenings. Although I do not really have a following like some bloggers do, I like that this is public because it keeps me from revealing names or saying really hurtful things. I would not want a journal that displays just a meanness. I purposely do not tell my friends and relatives about this blog because I would have to censor myself in ways that I would not like. I would have to wonder if they would take something the wrong way or think that I was talking about them. I've found in my interactions with my friends and relatives they are often very sensitive and manage to twist my words to make themselves believe I've hurt them. Maybe its true that I am a mean person but I've learned to try to be careful with what I say. In the end however, I feel as if I'm only talking about mundane things with them. Whether I'm mean or not, this is who I am and I feel I've changed enough.

So with all this in mind I've decided to treat this blog as a good friend. A good friend who will not judge me, who listens with interest and is not overly sensitive.

WANT ME TO PLAY YOU A SONG?

I've been teaching myself to play the keyboard. I've wanted to learn to play the piano since I was a teenager. A piano was too expensive and heavy so instead we bought a used keyboard. I looked up some basic information on the Internet and printed out a few easy songs and away I went.

It has helped that my son plays quite well. I've counted on him to play songs for me so I'll know how they sound and also to recommend what I should learn next. Right now he is pushing me to move on to learn the next song...I think he's pushing for the easy version of the Entertainer. I'm not sure if he's pushing because he really thinks I'm ready or he is just sick of hearing Fur Elise over and over and over! My mantra has now become "Want me to play you a song? Guess what it will be?" I think part of the reason that I've become obsessed with this particular song is that my name is Elise. After all it was written fur me!

Obsession is definitely the word for what's going on here. One day I played so much my vision was blurry and I felt dizzy (part of my unhealthiness). Its sort of weird because I am not a person who becomes obsessed with things. My attention span is just too short. In this case I guess I've just always had this goal of being able to play and I really want that dream to come true. I want to get to the point that I am no longer struggling to play the notes but I'm playing with feeling.

I have Scott Joplin on CD and love The Entertainer. I always listen to his music and can feel his emotions and now I want to be able to play it with emotions. I guess I'm ready....on to The Entertainer!

HAPPY NEW YEAR?

As 2009 progresses I am wondering if this will be the year that I'll get my life back. I spent much I 2008 mired in all my health issues. I would wake up thinking about how awful I felt and go to sleep thinking how awful I felt. I was constantly wondering what was wrong with me and what would make me better. I can remember being in the midst of everything thinking that it had literally hijacked my life.

Somewhere along the way I realized that there wasn't going to be a magic pill to make me feel better. I think this realization happened gradually over the course of several months. I can't say that this realization was what made me stop thinking about my health constantly. What has really done that, is the fact that I do indeed feel better than I did for most of 2008. I am wary of this new found health. On the one hand I appreciate feeling better and on the other hand I wonder how long it will last. When will I be thrown back into the grip of sickness. Grip is the perfect word for how I felt. I wanted it to let go, but it seemed to be holding too tight.

I am not taking this time for granted. I appreciate my health for what it is. Not perfect but better. I have hope for the New Year.