ENJOYING LIFE

I'm going to talk about the old cliche that mothers lose themselves in motherhood. We tend to be in danger of becoming just someones mother and no longer being ourselves. I'm beginning to realize a side effect of this can be losing our zest for life. I don't really mean being depressed, although that can happen to some people. I mean losing our ability to really enjoy all the little things in life.

The other day I was driving to Thomas and Erin's cross country meet. The meet was almost two hours away and I had already driven there the day before only to be told it was being cancelled due to the thunderstorm that wouldn't let up. So here I was driving that very same long trip again. I had to leave my youngest daughter at home again and she wasn't very happy about me not being with her so I was dealing with that guilt trip. I was also dealing with hunger because I am trying to cut back in order to lose a few pounds I put on because of my under active thyroid. Besides all this I kept thinking about some drama that's been happening on the cross country team because of some nastiness among the girls. I just wish they could all be nice and get along.

As I drove along, probably with a frown on my face, the headache began to creep up my neck threatening to take over my entire head. This is when I started to think about how I don't really enjoy things that I should be enjoying. I like to go to watch my kids run but somehow it becomes an ordeal to just survive. I made myself look at the scenery and hoped the cup of tea I grabbed before I left would help alleviate the headache.

I'd like to end this with a happy ending. I'd like to be able to say that a light bulb went on and I saw how I was wasting my time spinning around in an unhappy vortex. That I've decided to just take the advice of the song "don't worry, be happy". But its not that easy. This motherhood thing is tough.

As I try to type this my daughter Erin is unhappy because she is out of clean cammies and needs one to be able to go to a sleepover tonight.

Those kinds of things are not going away. I still need to keep plugging along making sure all those things that make our lives work get done. I still need to work through the guilt trips.

Now my other daughter Sarah is nagging me for a starburst and we are negotiating the size of the piece of fudge she will have later. Then she wanted to discuss the latest Scholastic Book order. When I snapped, "not now, I'm doing something", she cowered like I'm the meanest mother on earth.

Where was I...

Oh yeah, I'm going to try to enjoy life more. After I make sure everything else is going smoothly. Oh yeah, that's the problem.

Erin is now asking for a clean pillow case.

So what's the answer? When I figure it out I will let you know. In the meantime, just realize that if you sometimes wonder why you don't enjoy things as much as you used to, you are not alone. Its hard for me to enjoy things like I did. A nice vacation? Sounds like a lot of packing for me to do. Going out to eat? Sounds like I'll gain a few more pounds. Spend a night dancing with the girls? The loud music would only make my headache worse, besides I'd have to stay awake past my bedtime. Some alone time without my kids? I'll just miss them!

Do you have the answer?

ADDENDUM: I woke up this morning and read what I had written and posted yesterday. It seems to get a bit muddled, but I think that is perfect. Its perfect because that is what happens in my life. I get everyone wanting something from me and I can never seem to concentrate on one thing. Then it seems like no one is really happy with me. Then I either get a headache or a frown or both. Then I can't really enjoy whatever I'm doing.

By the way, Sarah got to eat the starburst and fudge and later asked for more starburst. When she groaned when I said only one, I told her she could have two. Not long after that she complained of an upset stomach....sigh.