POTTY TRAINING 101

Any house with a preschooler deals with a wide array of bodily functions. The majority of the situations that are dealt with concern what people call bowel movements. In our house we call it poop. I have been fortunate to have had some very interesting experiences with poop. Besides the various shades of brown I’ve seen many yellow tones and some quite impressive shades of green. The locations can be just as varied. They include the floor, the kiddy pool, the lawn and the bathtub. Those of you without kids may be grossed out enough to stop reading or possibly to reconsider plans to have kids in the future. The rest of you are probably laughing and recalling your own fond memories.

The idea of potty training is to have only one poop location, where you can flush and be able to avoid viewing those colors. The first step in training is to identify your child’s style. You may have a "holder". At the mere mention of the potty this type will suddenly hold all movements for a week. Not good. You may have an "I don’t care" type. He could poop in his underwear and continue playing for several hours. The third type’s timing is off. They’ll say, "I need to poop," after sitting several minutes on the potty they’ll get up and poop on the floor. My 3 year old daughter fits the "I’ll never be potty trained" category. When she told me this, I looked into the price of adult disposable undergarments and decided I needed to do something. Of course putting your child into a category doesn’t help at all, but it makes for interesting conversation. I always love to hear about other styles that I’ve never seen.

Since this is my third child, I would like to share my expertise with more inexperienced parents. My technique is called the Lazy Parents Method of Potty training.
* Rule number one: if its work for the parent don’t do it. I’ve never understood why parents work so hard at potty training when disposable diapers are so easy.
*Rule number two: wait, then wait some more. I’ve found two years old is definitely too young. Believe me eventually your friends and relatives will give up nagging at you. Then they’ll start talking behind your back where you don’t have to listen to them any more.

Following these two simple rules will ease the transition from diapers to toilet. This will free you to worry about more important things like, "what else are those people saying behind my back?!"


Epilogue:
I wrote this piece quite a few years ago and tried to have it published in a local magazine that I had previously published articles in and the editor refused because of the discussion of poop, particular the part about the colors. My youngest daughter is now 8 years old and fully potty trained.