THE BATTLE OF THE VOLES

Why is it that cats feel no guilt when they have not done their job? You would think that with three cats in my family that I would never have a rodent problem! My vole problem must have started last winter as I snuggled up in front of the fire with a good book. I was blissfully unaware that under the cover of snow little voles were tunneling about finding a good source of food. In the spring I sauntered into my garden, still relatively ignorant, I noticed a little path that led to my garden in that cute wiggly way that voles are prone to make. At the time I didn't really know the differences between voles and moles and mistakenly thought a mole had made the path. I saw that the path led to the area where my asparagus grows. That was the first time that my heart sank. Holes all around my asparagus patch! Fortunately, it wasn't too long before I found that the asparagus was still alive. The relief I felt only lulled me into a sense of feeling all was right with the world...or at least my world. That sense of calm continued until I noticed that my pea seeds had very sporadic germination. Then I noticed a shallow tunnel leading down the row where my peas should have been. My heart sank again. Whatever was making those tunnels LOVED to eat seeds. I began what was to become a summer of research on voles.

At least they didn't seem to enjoy potatoes since I saw that the potato plants were thriving. I didn't know how wrong I was! I think they just didn't care for seed potatoes. As the potatoes began to grow beneath the soil, the voles came and worked their way through. My first indication that something was amiss was one wilted potato plant. I grabbed hold of it to see what was wrong and it immediately came out of the soil. Not a bit of root left! After they ate two more plants I decided to harvest the potatoes and we had a small but tasty crop.

As usual, this summer I had been behind in planting seeds and I began to realize that these rodents were going to be a major problem. They were already forming a community in the spot I had planned for beans. It was beginning to look like a prairie dog town! I knew that they would love it if I provided them with tasty bean seeds so I decided to try to eradicate them first. If I had known then what I know now I wouldn't have bothered. What I know now is that once you kill off the stupid voles only the smart ones remain and it becomes impossible to kill them. They then have offspring that become the Einsteins of the vole world.

I read about voles until I was exhausted. I learned that sometimes you can place mouse traps in their tunnels and they simple run over them and get trapped. Hooray it worked! This was also when I learned that voles will eat each other...ugh. Nothing like a trapped and killed vole that provides a meal for his buddies. I caught and killed less than ten voles this way. I must say I was thrilled about my success but then I started to find that the tunnels caved in on the traps...or so I thought. After awhile I realized that the tunnels were not caving in, the voles were burying the traps as soon as I set them. All I had succeeded in doing was to weed out the weak minded voles leaving me with a garden full of geniuses. I tried some above ground traps baited with peanut butter and although they were more complex and cost more, I didn't catch one vole in them. No, castor oil does not work either. All it does is lull you into believing that it is working as a vole repellent. As I was inside celebrating, the voles were outside laughing and munching down on more roots. Yes, that is what they do, they go underground and eat the roots of your plants so you don't know what is happening until your plants shrivel and die. This is one underground railroad that needs to be stopped!

I continued to put off planting any seed but I did start some zucchini plants inside. Unfortunately, since I was so preoccupied with solving the vole problem I waited too long and although some plants survived the voles, I was only able to harvest three zucchinis by the end of the summer.

As far as my cats, I did save a lot of money on cat food over the summer. My cats will kill AND eat wildlife and this summer voles were abundant. I knew my cats were having their fill since often times their dried food was left unfinished. Apparently three cats are not enough to keep up with a vole population explosion. After a summer of unsuccessful attempts at thwarting their damage, I have come to the conclusion I will have to wait for them to die out naturally. In my extensive research I have learned that vole population explosions are cyclic. Every three to five years there is a sudden increase in population. What ends up happening is they die out naturally. People will try all sort of remedies and when the vole population drops off, people tend to think "aha! it worked!" to whatever they tried. In reality they have just died off naturally.

I will remember this summer as "The Great Vole Depression of 2011." Eventually I couldn't even go into the garden without feeling depressed. I had a few plants that survived but I was so behind that all I was able to harvest were those three zucchinis. My garden became a jungle that I rarely entered. Over Thanksgiving weekend I got out my machete and whacked my way through. Just joking. I got a couple of rakes and enlisted the help of my son to start cleaning up. It had rained so much this summer that I felt like I was trying to clear cut a rain forest! My plan was to get rid of everything that provided a vole habitat. I would like to report that there was a natural decline in vole activity but that has not happened. I am hoping that a miracle will happen over the winter. I still have a bit more cleaning up to do but mostly I am just relying on the cyclic nature of vole population explosions. I don't think I can stand another summer of vole nightmares!

WEARY

I feel weary. Weary of people. Lately I am left wondering why people have so much trouble interacting with each other. Why is it that simple things seem to become so difficult? Why is it that people seem to want to cause other people anguish? Sometimes I am just in a position to be observing people hurting each other and other times it seems that people want to hurt me. Even the nicest people sometimes hurt others in an attempt to make themselves feel better.

Often times I am able to understand why people say the things that they do but sometimes I am just dumbfounded. I question why, what benefit is there in putting others down. Some people have the trait of wanting to watch others squirm. I have sometimes been put into the situation where someone has made me squirm. Once I am over the uncomfortable situation I look back and wonder what kind of person finds satisfaction in that kind of torture. How does that make them feel better about themselves?

Whenever I am trying to understand these kinds of things I analyze myself to see if I have ever done something similar. I am pretty sure that I do not purposely try to make anyone squirm. Doing this would mean that the other person would act embarrassed. I find it very uncomfortable if I have made someone else embarrassed so I do not think that I purposely try to make people squirm.

I often call this mean teasing. I come from a family that has a tendency to tease others in a nasty kind of way. In the past when I have been around them I admit that I have been guilty of joining in on the torture. It's almost as if I was compelled to take a side and I knew I didn't want to be on the losing side! However, I can say that I have never gotten enjoyment out of it. I would always come away from the interaction with a shameful unhappy feeling. I wonder if the others feel this as well.

For me, I think one thing that is difficult is that I often times laugh at myself and then I assume that others will laugh at themselves as well. A simple example is that I am one of those people who loves to talk. I can joke about myself talking someone's ear off. I would assume that the other talkers out there could laugh at themselves as well, so I would assume that teasing them about it would not fall under the mean teasing category. But maybe it would. This is a gray area where I find that I need to watch others' reactions to make sure I haven't offended anyone. I can say for sure, I do not enjoy making people squirm!

MORE ON DRAMA

I would love to report that I have successfully avoided the drama I mentioned in the previous post but I haven't... However, I can report that I have learned some things. I have often heard that to stop a bad habit, replace it with a good one. I am learning to expand on this philosophy and have figured out that replacing drama with good interactions with other people may be my saving grace. I can't be sucked into drama if I am always talking to people who don't stress me out. Sometimes it is even enough to be engrossed in a fun activity instead of hanging around with the drama queens.

This is easier said than done but I think I am up to the challenge. It is easier to follow my own advice when the drama queen in question is not my friend. I am still figuring out what to do when the drama queens are my friends. Even further, what do I do when there is only one true drama queen in a group of friends? I don't want to avoid a group of friends because of one bad apple.

Another dilemma is being able to recognize when there is drama just for the sake of drama and when it falls under the category of supporting a friend through a difficult situation. I am starting to have to consider this with one particular friend. I don't mind listening to a friend's problems but then I need to be careful that "friend" does not monopolize every interaction. In this case I am thinking of a person who is part of a group of friends. I am noticing that approximately two thirds of our time together is spent listening to her problems and being supportive of her. Then once someone else starts talking, her eyes glaze over. This week when we all got together I sat back and observed this phenomenon. Hmmm. Now I realize that this has been bothering me for quite awhile. I guess last year I should have had a clue when I saw a couple of eye rolls when I tried to interject something into the conversation. At the time I tried to be careful that I was not interrupting her. It was obvious that she had no patience for what someone else had to say.

So, I am making progress in recognizing areas that have a high drama level and I am even figuring out ways of dealing with this but I still need to try and implement my ideas. Some ideas work and some don't...that seems to be part of the process.

FIGHTING MY OWN HUMAN NATURE

It seems to me that part of human nature is to be attracted to drama. I wonder why this seems to be the case. What purpose does it serve to allow ourselves to be sucked into problems? It certainly is not pleasant. Like almost all people, I am guilty of allowing myself to be put into situations that make me unhappy. This is true regardless of the fact that I don't need to be part of the drama. I'm not forced into these situations. If I allow myself to honestly analyze these moments, I am allowing myself to be in them. I would like to believe that I am not actively seeking out problems but I have no hesitation in admitting that I find it difficult to walk away once I am embroiled in stressful interactions.

One recent occurrence happened even after I told myself that I refused to allow this activity to cause me undo stress. I am involved in my kids cross country team. I have always taken pictures of the team and in the past couple of years I have helped organize the end of season, pot luck banquet. Both of these things do not cause me stress, truthfully, they cause me happiness. However, two years ago, one of the mothers decided that we needed to start a booster club. She enlisted the help of one other mother and they filled out the initial paperwork and opened a bank account. The original purpose of the club was to raise money for an enclosed canopy. I agreed whole heartily and had planned to support whatever fundraising activities that they organized without officially being an officer of the club. However the next year I decided it would be okay to be an officer... co president or something like that. It doesn't really matter what I was called. The point is, I was more "official" and with that came difficulties. This is where I became embroiled in stress. Gone was the happiness of picture taking and banquet planning....sigh.

The lesson I tried to learn was that I need to become better at recognizing situations that cause me stress and then walk away from them. I made a firm plan for this year and I am working hard at sticking with it. At the heart of the plan is my insistence that I refuse to allow my activities with the team to cause me stress. I really have no need to end my role officially but I do need to be thoughtful in what I enjoy and what makes me unhappy. I plan on taking pictures and planning the banquet. Period. Both of those things make me happy. Then the period becomes a comma....sigh. This is my difficulty.

Recently I found myself in an uncomfortable discussion. Not only did I feel tense from this discussion, it also put me behind in errands that I was planning to run that day. That put me behind as far as getting home and making supper...which screwed up my kids life as well. They wanted to eat and start homework.

Why, oh why, do I let this happen? Now THAT is the question! Hah! I do realize that the answer to this question is irrelevant because the real accomplishment would be to learn to recognize these situations quickly and simply walk away. No analyzing, just action. So there you have it, I am trying to fight my own human nature of getting sucked into drama....

HAPPINESS...OR NOT

Lately I have been reading a lot about happiness. It is definitely the new buzz word. It seems to be everyone's goal. As with anything that seems to be overworked, I am getting a bit sick of it. I think that we all should try to find a life that we can be happy with but it seems that too many people are taking this idea to the extreme. I get the feeling that many people think that they need to wake up happy and go to bed happy every day. This is not possible and I think that the danger in feeling this way may result in feeling like a failure when we feel unhappy. Life is full of unhappy moments as well as happy moments. Whatever happened to grinning and bearing it? For me, some days just seem to go wrong. I'm okay with this and I just try to survive those days and hope for a better day tomorrow. There are phases in everyone's lives that are not happy. I am no exception. We can go months or sometimes years where we have bad times. The goal is to find joy once again but we certainly should not feel like failures. Only when we accept difficult circumstances as part of life can we move on. With this new push on happiness, I wonder how many people are feeling worse thinking "why can't I be happy?"

I'm sure that there are people who can wake up and feel joy and happiness every day. I am not one of them. My goals in life are to feel many moments of joy and happiness, to experience as few moments of unhappiness as possible and all the other days? Those other days, I want to LIKE what I am doing...or at least not DISLIKE it.

A LITTLE BIT MORE ABOUT FEAR

This post really has nothing to do with Irene or the fear people feel about this storm. It is about fear in general. Not long ago me and Thomas were going to a dinner for a scholarship he received. There were a few kids that had gotten it so on the way in, we met another mother and girl we know. It had been raining cats and dogs on the drive there. It was coming down harder than I've ever experienced and it caused some temporary flooding. There is an underpass with train tracks above on the way to the restaurant and it was filled with water. The only choice was to park on "the wrong side of the tracks." This mother saw us make the turn and since she didn't know the area well, she followed us. We ran through the rain to the restaurant that was pretty close by. After chatting with the mother, I found she was quite stressed out because she "didn't know what was going on." When we left, it was not quite dark but she was quite worried anyway. I guess she felt we were literally heading to the "wrong side of the tracks." What struck me was how fearful she was to have to walk back to her car. I felt it was not scary at all and fear didn't even enter my mind. All I could think was how awful it must be to live with that kind of fear. I am not sure why I am not a fearful person but I definitely appreciate this fact. Fear does not keep a person safe, it only inhibits a persons enjoyment of life.

FEAR

Yesterday Tom went to our beach house at the Jersey shore to bring in the grill and lawn furniture so they wouldn't get blown away by hurricane Irene. Maybe it's because my middle name is Irene but I don't feel scared by her at all. I hoped that Tom would not get turned away when he tried to drive onto the barrier island where our house is located. He will leave this morning before the storm hits. As I watched the reporters on TV, I wondered why they are working people into a frenzy. I think it's sad that our news people have turned into entertainers and not actual reporters. In this case they are "entertaining" by trying to scare people. People are watching with rapt attention. Don't get me wrong, I would not be one of those people who tried to ride the storm out and stay in a dangerous location. Also, I would be very upset if my house gets destroyed but I just can't understand the fear people have. I have heard people compare this to 9/11. What? Will that be the thing that people do now, compare everything bad to 9/11? I think it's quite possible that the media has put this idea into people's minds. I feel it's sort of like brain washing. When I was watching the news channels last night trying to see where the mandatory evacuations were, I started to understand how the brain washing is done. The longer I watched, the more I wondered how serious this storm was going to be. I thought, how the leaders in our area would not require evacuation unless it was serious. Then I started to wonder if they too were falling prey to the hype. I have not doubt that the mandatory evacuations are a good idea but I was annoyed when Mayor Bloomberg talked about the possible "tragedies" that could occur. Maybe my annoyance lies with the wrong people. Maybe the leaders understand that if they don't scare people, people will not listen and do the right things to stay safe.

I have a sister-in-law who lives in a house that has been flooded many times. She doesn't panic. She just gets out when the time comes. She does get frustrated and sad that once again she will have to hire contractors to come in and fix the mess. She is probably worried right now just wondering if this will happen again. Is she afraid" No. Will my husband heed the warnings and evacuate our beach house? Yes. Will he have any fear? No.

HOW I GOT TO BE "RICH"

The biggest thing on my mind lately is how we will pay for our kids to go to college. We are in that category of parents that are told that we are "rich" enough to pay the full freight but in reality we really can't. When filling out the FAFSA (free financial aid form), I learned that we would be expected to pay up to $50K per year for our kids college education. I have three kids and if they knuckle down and graduate in the "normal" four years, I will have one or two kids in college for a period of eight years. Using simple math I calculate that I will be expected to come up with $400K! Hah! So, since Thomas just headed off to college I can't help but think quite a bit about all of this.

I spend some time complaining and more time facing the reality and thinking of ways to pay for college. I've learned that one of my "friends" has no sympathy at all for me. She is of the belief that I am just lucky that I have the money and other assets that are keeping our family from getting the need based aid. I can't seem to get this off my mind. For me, the bottom line is that Tom and I have really sacrificed more than others to get into the position we are in. After our kids are off to college, not only will all our savings be gone but we will also have a substantial amount of debt. It is true that others who do get free aid will have debt and they won't have any savings either. This bothers me because after years of working hard and sacrificing we won't be any better off than people who sacrificed less than us.

The fact that bothers me is that my friend thinks that it is some sort of luck that put us in our position. She totally disregards what I had to do to get to this point. I grew up in a poor family where my mother sewed all my clothes and we drank powdered milk because we couldn't afford regular milk. My parents were not supportive of my decision to go to college and in fact told me that they would do everything they could to stop me. Regardless, I went anyway and often times woke up to temperatures in my apartment that were barely above 50 degrees because I couldn't afford to turn on the heat. While I was struggling to graduate to be able to get a job, Tom was living with his parents, working and saving as much as he could so we would be able to buy a house. We could not afford a house in NJ so we moved an hour away from his job to Pennsylvania. We bought the cheapest house we could find and put so much "sweat equity" into our house we sometimes would come home after working an eight hour day and be working outside on building a garage by spotlight until 9:00 pm. We dug a foundation hole for our garage by hand and I overcame my fear of heights when I had to be working all the way at the peak of the roof. I wonder if my friend has made any similar sacrifices. Since our kids have been born (18 years) we have only been on three "big" vacations. I only mention this because I had to listen to my friend tell me she is planning a trip to Switzerland for her 25th anniversary. We will also be celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary the same year as her. We could not afford to go to a foreign country on vacation. For our anniversary I probably will be making a special meal to be eaten on our 29 year old dinner plates.

HEADED OFF TO RPI

Today we bring Thomas to college. He is my first so it is kind of weird. What's even more weird is I no longer have those sad feelings of knowing I will miss him. I am still worried that he will be experiencing home sickness and all those usual unhappy freshman year feelings but I feel peaceful otherwise. I know along with the unhappy feelings he will also experience all the happy feelings. I think I realize that this is just a natural progression and I can sit back and enjoy it. I also see that he is happy. He seemed to be getting really excited last night. It's nice to see, when it comes down to the wire, he has joyful feelings. It seems as if the anxiety has been pushed to the side for now. He never really seemed super worried; I think because he is pretty independent about a lot of things. Through high school he has learned to handle the day to day tasks and decisions. He still lets me pamper him by doing his laundry and making him Koolaid but he takes care of the big stuff, mostly having to do with school. He doesn't need his parents to organize and plan his day at school. Other than helping with proof reading he doesn't ask us for help.

When we went to RPI for orientation, we were told that we know our own children. If we feel that in general they make good decisions and were generally responsible, we didn't have to worry about them. Chances are, they would be fine. If we were worried about them, chances are we needed to worry about them! I'm not worried about Thomas. I also felt really good when they asked all the parents to raise their hands if their kids did at least an hour of homework each night. There were few parents that raised their hands. They explained that was because these kids were the smart kids and good grades came easy to them so they would just coast through high school. Although many things do come easy to Thomas he has always studied a lot and done a lot of homework. It was comforting to know that he would not be one of those kids that had a rude awakening in college as far as the time commitment. I cannot really tell what will happen with his grades. Will he be able to keep all those A's? I have warned him that there may be times that he is disappointed with the result of his hard work. Only time will tell.

DEATH AND FAMILY

I reread my post about the chaos surrounding my family because of the deaths last year and thought I should update on that as well. I really feel much better about it in general. I realize that it really didn't have much to do with the deaths but it had to do with family relationships and how I handle them. I think the biggest problem comes from the fact that I would PREFER to have a somewhat close relationship with both sides of the family. Even if this means that I would have to grin and bear some imperfections in people. My problem comes when I don't know how much I should be grinning and bearing! It really bothers me when I see family members being mean to each other to the point that they end up not speaking to each other. In the past I have not wanted to be one of these people so I tended to put up with a lot. During this past year, I have realized that I am putting up with too much. I have distanced myself from family members and I am much happier living that way. I am realizing that I am much better off avoiding contact. I have not had any big fight. I still have a cordial relationship with all family members. I just have not made any effort to be nice and keep in touch unless I feel like it. I have not forced myself to visit or talk with people. I realize how much happier I can be when I live like this. In reality, I don't think people care that much. At most I picture them making note of it, thinking I am wrong and then moving on. I can deal with that. I don't need my family members to like me. I have finally realized when they "like" me, I am often times less happy.

GOAL UPDATE

Unfortunately I did not meet my goal of climbing Mt. Wittenberg this summer. It was a combination of the fact that my iron seemed to be low and Thomas didn't seem that interested in the training. He would have been able to hike it anyway but I would have had to train on my own. I did not have my iron checked but I was starting to huff and puff and get extra tired when hiking. I have made a special effort to increase my consumption of iron rich foods for at least a month now and I feel better. I will continue to work hard to eat the right stuff but it gets annoying because I do not love meat like some people do. It's not that I have an ethical dilemma but it's purely a matter of taste. Carbs taste better to me! Also, when my iron is low it is not a case of just eating more meat or vegetables like spinach and legumes, it's that I have to eat a lot of red meat and even liver. I am not a person that hates liver but I certainly don't love it. I don't spend a lot of time discussing this with people because in general I am experienced at raising my iron and the average person does not understand just how much I have to work at it. It's foolish for a person to suggest to me that I can raise my iron by eating such simple things as spinach. I do love and eat a lot of spinach to help but it's always in conjunction with a red meat. Meat makes the iron in vegetables absorb better. Enough about iron....

ONE MORE POST....GOALS AND HAPPINESS

I think I may end up being somewhat caught up on my life if I write just one more post! I am happiest when I have a goal. Last spring my goal was to get in good enough shape to hike to the summit of Mt. Washington in North Conway, NH. I started out in very poor shape. Huffing and puffing up even small hills. I guess because of my personality, I didn't get discouraged. My only fear was that my health problems would rear their ugly head. I had spent the previous fall and winter struggling to get my thyroid back on track with two medication increases. My iron level seemed to be okay but my migraines had increased. I was afraid that if things started to go bad again, I would not be able to tackle Mt. Washington. I love walking and hiking so most of the time, I went with happiness and a positive energy.

At the end of July 2010, I met my goal!! It took longer than we thought and it was almost dark when Thomas and I got back down the mountain but our entire family reached the peak! Thomas and I have knees that allowed us to hike back down. Tom met us at the bottom after him, Erin and Sarah took the shuttle down....their knees not so good.

Since Thomas and I have the real hiking bug we've made a new goal this year. It's not quite so lofty as last year but still quite a challenge. We plan to hike up Mt. Wittenberg in the Catskills. We've gone for a couple hikes in the snow so far for our training. We had wanted to hike up Mt. Tammany at the Delaware Water Gap in the snow/winter and we did that when he had a half day of school this past Thursday. It was an unseasonably warm day so we were able to wear just a couple of layers and be comfortable. Fortunately there are plenty of other hikers that think it's fun to hike there in the winter so the snow on the trail was packed enough to walk on. We went in our trail sneakers and our feet only got a bit wet. It was warm enough that they weren't cold though. Thomas had wanted to hike up to the knob down in Milford in the winter as well. We did that a couple of weeks ago but had a bit more trouble with the snow. Not as many people hike there in the winter so we were happy that we had worn our boots. They don't make for the best hiking footwear but at least our toes were dry and snuggly!

It's nice because although the stress of the previous six months had led to my inactivity, I was not as out of shape as last spring. This has been so encouraging to me that I've made an individual goal separate from Thomas. I would like to be able to "run" in the 5K run/walk that we participate in every May. I "ran" last week for the first time just to see how I would do. It was how I made my decision whether this was a goal I should make. Initially, I had thought I would try just a half mile and see if it killed me. Once I began, I realized that I could actually do a mile. Mind you, I put "run" in quotes for a reason. The fact that I was able to move at something more than a walk for an entire mile made me positive that I would at least attempt to run the 5K. I think I will be able to run without stopping and depending on how my training goes, I will probably make a time goal of doing it in under 45 minutes. Well, after consulting with my trainer (Thomas - smile) he says that after numerous calculations and contemplation, I should make a goal of running it in under 40 minutes. I'm not sure if I that should excite me or scare me! Well, for now I think I will just go do laundry...unfortunately there is not much muscle building in that.

DONATING, VOLUNTEERING AND BEING GENEROUS

My daughter is on the local Relay for Life of the American Cancer Society. Her and her friend have started a team and because they needed a chaperone, I am also on the team. Sarah and Thomas have joined as well. Each teammate needs to raise $100 with a goal of at least $1,000 for the team. I am pretty good at fundraising and have raised almost the entire $400 for our family. My approach is to ask people who I feel are generous but in a no pressure kind of way. I have been pleasantly surprised that almost all the people I've asked have donated. Many of them have donated $25 or $50! This has not only given me a sense that people are good at heart but it's also made me want to be more generous as well. It's made me feel even better about offering my time and effort for this event. My observation has been that the people who are generous, are also happier people. Being happier is always a good thing! I'm glad to be sharing in that happiness.

WOW WHEE! WHERE THE HECK HAVE I BEEN!

I have just been sort of preoccupied with life. This past year has been a lot of ups and downs through no fault of my own. Well, I guess I can blame myself in the sense that I had some rough times that I could have handled better. My father-in-law died in May and my mother died in September. My father-in-law had been in poor health for at least a couple years but my mother's only problem had been that she was starting to have more and more memory problems. Other than my annoyance at other people's behavior surrounding my father-in-law's death it didn't have any profound effect on me.

In contrast to my father-in-laws death, my mother's forgetfulness and subsequent death caused a lot of upheaval. Upheaval that I wish that I had handled differently because I feel as if it caused me to waste a lot of energy. Therefore causing six months of my life to be stressed. I really don't want to write about the details a whole lot mostly because it would mean reliving it and I'm done wasting my life on it....or at least I hope I am done. I will make a few brief points though.

The first thing that started all the stress was that because of her increasing forgetfulness there were people in the family that began discussing "what will we do if..." In a nutshell, my stress surrounded the fact that I felt that I would not and had no obligation to do anything. I felt my opinion put me on a very lonely island.

Although the family knew something was awry with my mother, her death was actually quite sudden. She died in her home without so much as one doctor visit. Hooray for her, what a way to go at 84 years old! I really didn't want to travel to NH to attend her funeral so I certainly didn't act appropriately when I was there. It's sort of ironic because I went only because I didn't want to look bad and cause stress in my family relationships. I would have done less damage by staying home.

The fallout from her funeral really stressed me out. Being judged for my uncaring attitude. Family scavenging through her belongings but then insinuating that I was scavenging as well. Me being quite surprised about the greed and wanting of others. Realizing certain relationships would change, one for the better but the rest for the worse.

Ultimately, it is now done. I've come full circle and feel that I am once again back to where I started. I am happy to be here and some might tell themselves that the journey helped them. I don't. As I said, only one relationship got better and I don't really think it was necessary to go through all that stress to get that relationship to that point. What I really learned from all this is that in order to protect myself emotionally, I need to be more cynical and less open with others. That part is going to continue to be hard for me.