Yesterday Santa Claus died. My youngest is ten years old and I had decided that now would be the time that she could know the truth. We were very good at hiding presents so my kids never happened upon anything. My older two believed until they were entering middle school (sixth grade) at which time I decided that the risk of extreme embarassment outweighed the sadness of losing the fantasy. I got them each alone at the appropriate time and said, "I have something to tell you".
Sarah was a completely different story. Lets just say, she has always been more suspicious. When she was five, all three of the kids were talking about whether Santa was real. She said "He must be real because where would all those presents come from?" Then her head snapped around, her eyes drilled holes into me and she dragged out the words as she said "Unless....the GROWN-UPS do it!!!" I am proud to say I didn't blink an eye, I just replied that of course Santa is real. Over the years she would periodically ask if it was really me who left the presents and I always denied it. In this past year the comments and questions have gotten more frequent and it has gotten more difficult to keep a straight face. That's when I decided that this was the last Christmas I would lie to her. I figured in another year she would be entering middle school (she's almost done fourth grade) and I would have to tell her then anyways. If I continued to lie to her, she may have never forgiven me:)
Yesterday morning before school she asked "Mom, do you believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny and all that stuff?" I smiled and said something my neighbor always says to kids asking her that question. "Well, if you don't believe, you don't get any presents." She had no idea what I was trying to say and neither did I, what my neighbor said never made sense to me but I was grasping at straws. The sweat started to bead on my brow. No one wants to kill Santa Claus! I asked her if she believed and she said "yes". I then said, "If there wasn't a Santa, would you want to know?" She told me "yes" so I just blurted it out "well, there isn't a Santa!!!" Her jaw literally dropped! I was panicked and asked her what she was thinking. She said "Two things, first, your bought all those presents and thank you so much" (awwwh). "And second, I am sort of proud of myself because I was right, I always thought maybe he wasn't real." I asked her if she was sad (Erin and Thomas had been shocked and sad) and she told me that she wasn't at all sad. She actually seemed somewhat happy and excited. She kept going over every present that she had ever gotten and thought about all the money that we had spent. I told her some funny things like how sometimes the Tooth Fairy "forgot" to leave money and how hard it was to tiptoe around at night. Who ate the cookies (mom) and carrots (Beau)? Mom is very good at disguising her handwriting to look like Santa's. I told her how once we had complained about how the computer didn't have a certain feature and Thomas scolded us saying "How can you complain, it was FREE!" (from Santa)
Last night just before bed, Sarah came to me and asked for proof. She wants to see all the teeth and letters to Santa that I saved. So for all you parents wondering whether to save those baby teeth, they may come in handy as evidence in court some day! As I type this, Sarah is behind me, hounding me to GET THOSE TEETH!!
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
SICK OF BEING SICK
I'm not exactly sick but it does seem like I have a lot of things wrong with me. I rarely write about medical issues on this blog. Mostly because I'm sick of thinking about them. Its giving me a low grade depressed feeling. Today I am in the mood for writing a summary of my problems. I'm not sure why but I've decided to go with my flow.
About 15 years ago I wanted to have children but was not getting my period at all. A work-up by my ob-gyn revealed that I had a pituitary tumor (the pituitary gland is in the center of your head). The tumor was releasing a hormone called prolactin. This is the hormone that makes a woman produce breast milk. We all know that when a woman breastfeeds, sometimes she doesn't get her period. I was told that I could manage it by taking medication for the rest of my life. This was supposed to shrink the tumor and regulate the hormones that it (the tumor) was giving off. I immediately (within a month of starting medication) got pregnant and during the pregnancy could not stay on the medication. Two kids later, the medicine was not shrinking the tumor, instead the tumor started to grow. Since it had already filled all the available space and I would be in danger of losing my vision, I needed to have it surgically removed. So 12 years ago my very talented neurosurgeon removed the tumor and I haven't been bothered by it for since. Well, until now.
Last spring I started having migraines and my period started coming every three weeks. My first thought was of the tumor. Last time it had made my period stop, but could it have the reverse effect and make it come more often? I've always gotten migraines but very rarely. Was the tumor back and causing these headaches? When I had it removed I was told that 50% of the tumors come back. By the end of the summer I realized that I would have to find out what was wrong.
My first appointment was with my gynocologist who gave me an exam. He found a fibroid tumor in my uterus but told me to see an endocrinologist about my pituitary. The ultrasound I had done of the fibroid tumor showed it is not super large. It is not serious and unless it causes me a lot of pain we leave it alone.
I saw the endocrinologist who ordered an MRI to check for the pituitary tumor. Since she is an endocrinologist she was unable to keep her hands off my thyroid! She felt my neck and said "you have a thyroid nodule" and we need to check it using an ultrasound. She ran blood work to check thyroid hormone levels as well as some other levels which would indicate the pituitary tumor was back and giving off more hormones.
My follow-up visit was loaded with bad news. A soft tissue mass had shown up on the MRI of my pituitary. The hormone associated with the pituitary tumor was also high. The thyroid hormone levels indicated that I had an underactive thyroid and would need to be on medication for the rest of my life. The ultrasound of the thyroid nodule showed that it was large enough to warrant a needle biopsy to check for cancer. I scheduled the biopsy and an appointment with my neurosurgeon to have him check out this "soft tissue mass" on my pituitary MRI.
Finally some good news, when I went to see my neurosurgeon he felt that it was "unlikely the the soft tissue mass is a new tumor". Maybe its scar tissue but he ordered another MRI be done in six months to check it again.
Not long after that I had the needle biopsy done. She told me it would hurt some and I would feel pressure. Well, I think she hit a nerve because it hurt so bad that my teeth were throbbing. She had to take four seperate samples (going in four times). She sent them off to be analyzed and the results came back "unable to diagnose" because there were not enough cells. Apparently there was too much blood and not enough nodule cells. So as painful as it was, we will have to do the needle biopsy again.
In the meantime I have gone on thyroid replacement hormone for the underactive thyroid. That has not been very smooth. I started them in August 2006 and still am trying to get the right dosage. It seemed to be the right level after the first blood test check. Then a couple months later it was making me go OVER active so we lowered the dose. Then it ended up back to underactive (even worse then before) so we increased the dose. I will have another blood test next month to see how its going. All these up and down hormones are affecting my mood.
So on April 23rd I had my follow-up MRI and should find out soon what the neurosurgeon thinks. On May 1st I am scheduled for my second needle biopsy. The endocrinologist feels confident that this time she will get a better sample.
Some where along the way I saw an opthamologist to check my vision since the pituitary is very close to the optic nerve there's a chance that a tumor can cause vision problems. I was not worried very much about the tumor causing me vision problems, but the way things have been going for me, I was a bit worried he would find some unrelated problem. Fortunately, I am still visually normal!
I have really horrible veins for giving blood and for the injections they need to give me for the MRIs. I have plenty of bad stories about mess-ups and the pain involved. I am not a wimp when it comes to enduring pain, but at this point I am getting a bit down about dealing with it. Like I said in the title - I am sick of being sick. I don't want to make another appointment, I don't want to be poked with a needle again, I don't want to hear any more bad news. I know this sounds like a pity party and usually when I get low like this, something or someone comes along who is much worse off and snaps me out of it. I realize that on the grand scale of things, my problems are minute, but that fact will not make that needle biopsy feel any better.
About 15 years ago I wanted to have children but was not getting my period at all. A work-up by my ob-gyn revealed that I had a pituitary tumor (the pituitary gland is in the center of your head). The tumor was releasing a hormone called prolactin. This is the hormone that makes a woman produce breast milk. We all know that when a woman breastfeeds, sometimes she doesn't get her period. I was told that I could manage it by taking medication for the rest of my life. This was supposed to shrink the tumor and regulate the hormones that it (the tumor) was giving off. I immediately (within a month of starting medication) got pregnant and during the pregnancy could not stay on the medication. Two kids later, the medicine was not shrinking the tumor, instead the tumor started to grow. Since it had already filled all the available space and I would be in danger of losing my vision, I needed to have it surgically removed. So 12 years ago my very talented neurosurgeon removed the tumor and I haven't been bothered by it for since. Well, until now.
Last spring I started having migraines and my period started coming every three weeks. My first thought was of the tumor. Last time it had made my period stop, but could it have the reverse effect and make it come more often? I've always gotten migraines but very rarely. Was the tumor back and causing these headaches? When I had it removed I was told that 50% of the tumors come back. By the end of the summer I realized that I would have to find out what was wrong.
My first appointment was with my gynocologist who gave me an exam. He found a fibroid tumor in my uterus but told me to see an endocrinologist about my pituitary. The ultrasound I had done of the fibroid tumor showed it is not super large. It is not serious and unless it causes me a lot of pain we leave it alone.
I saw the endocrinologist who ordered an MRI to check for the pituitary tumor. Since she is an endocrinologist she was unable to keep her hands off my thyroid! She felt my neck and said "you have a thyroid nodule" and we need to check it using an ultrasound. She ran blood work to check thyroid hormone levels as well as some other levels which would indicate the pituitary tumor was back and giving off more hormones.
My follow-up visit was loaded with bad news. A soft tissue mass had shown up on the MRI of my pituitary. The hormone associated with the pituitary tumor was also high. The thyroid hormone levels indicated that I had an underactive thyroid and would need to be on medication for the rest of my life. The ultrasound of the thyroid nodule showed that it was large enough to warrant a needle biopsy to check for cancer. I scheduled the biopsy and an appointment with my neurosurgeon to have him check out this "soft tissue mass" on my pituitary MRI.
Finally some good news, when I went to see my neurosurgeon he felt that it was "unlikely the the soft tissue mass is a new tumor". Maybe its scar tissue but he ordered another MRI be done in six months to check it again.
Not long after that I had the needle biopsy done. She told me it would hurt some and I would feel pressure. Well, I think she hit a nerve because it hurt so bad that my teeth were throbbing. She had to take four seperate samples (going in four times). She sent them off to be analyzed and the results came back "unable to diagnose" because there were not enough cells. Apparently there was too much blood and not enough nodule cells. So as painful as it was, we will have to do the needle biopsy again.
In the meantime I have gone on thyroid replacement hormone for the underactive thyroid. That has not been very smooth. I started them in August 2006 and still am trying to get the right dosage. It seemed to be the right level after the first blood test check. Then a couple months later it was making me go OVER active so we lowered the dose. Then it ended up back to underactive (even worse then before) so we increased the dose. I will have another blood test next month to see how its going. All these up and down hormones are affecting my mood.
So on April 23rd I had my follow-up MRI and should find out soon what the neurosurgeon thinks. On May 1st I am scheduled for my second needle biopsy. The endocrinologist feels confident that this time she will get a better sample.
Some where along the way I saw an opthamologist to check my vision since the pituitary is very close to the optic nerve there's a chance that a tumor can cause vision problems. I was not worried very much about the tumor causing me vision problems, but the way things have been going for me, I was a bit worried he would find some unrelated problem. Fortunately, I am still visually normal!
I have really horrible veins for giving blood and for the injections they need to give me for the MRIs. I have plenty of bad stories about mess-ups and the pain involved. I am not a wimp when it comes to enduring pain, but at this point I am getting a bit down about dealing with it. Like I said in the title - I am sick of being sick. I don't want to make another appointment, I don't want to be poked with a needle again, I don't want to hear any more bad news. I know this sounds like a pity party and usually when I get low like this, something or someone comes along who is much worse off and snaps me out of it. I realize that on the grand scale of things, my problems are minute, but that fact will not make that needle biopsy feel any better.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
CAN YOU DIGEST RUBBER BANDS?
For anyone that has gone through the ordeal of braces with their kids, they probably know about those rubber bands. I find them all over the house. Thomas says that he ALWAYS throws them out but apparently someone is flinging them everywhere when we are sleeping! The other day he left them on his plate after eating pop tarts for breakfast. I didn't see them when I grabbed the mostly clean plate and used it for making Sarah's jelly sandwich for her lunch. When I came back from dropping her off I noticed the rubber bands on the plate. Umm, well, I noticed the one rubber band on the plate. One was missing. Hopefully it fell on the floor, otherwise Sarah was going to be eating it for lunch!
Monday, April 16, 2007
Saturday, April 14, 2007
THE NOSE KNOWS
I thought Beau was getting old enough that his sniffer was starting to go on the fritz. That is, until yesterday when we were going for a walk. Beau was happily trotting along then suddenly he did an about face. He lunged into the bushes, rammed his nose into some dried grass and leaves and then pops up with a kaiser roll in his mouth! The nose knows!!
Friday, April 13, 2007
ACHIEVING GOALS
Sarah runs down the dirt road ahead of me. I'm walking because I am not meant to run. I watch as she reaches the end of the road for the third time and turns and heads back. If she runs back and forth on this stretch of road for four times she will have run two miles. That is her goal and she doesn't stop until she's reached it. I marvel in her tenacity. I love to see my children set goals for themselves and struggle to meet them. I'm unabashedly proud of them. They each meet their challenges in their own way. Thomas, finding something he's good at and immersing himself in it fully. Erin, preferring to take on something that she knows she will have to work at to succeed. Sarah, picking something she enjoys and quietly losing herself in it.
As I watched Sarah run, I thought about my own life. My own goals. I sometimes don't give myself credit for my successes. I downplay my accomplishments but when push comes to shove I know I have done a lot. Struggling to get my college degree I can only credit myself for sticking with it. Being careful with my money over the years has earned me a pretty good financial stability. Sort of a rags to riches story. Just not quite rags and not quite riches but close enough. Spending fourteen years being the best parent I can. That's been one of the most demanding jobs of my life, yet the most rewarding and probably the most successful.
For that moment, while watching Sarah meet one of her goals, I decided to focus on my own success. Just for a moment not focusing on my failures. I should do that more often!
As I watched Sarah run, I thought about my own life. My own goals. I sometimes don't give myself credit for my successes. I downplay my accomplishments but when push comes to shove I know I have done a lot. Struggling to get my college degree I can only credit myself for sticking with it. Being careful with my money over the years has earned me a pretty good financial stability. Sort of a rags to riches story. Just not quite rags and not quite riches but close enough. Spending fourteen years being the best parent I can. That's been one of the most demanding jobs of my life, yet the most rewarding and probably the most successful.
For that moment, while watching Sarah meet one of her goals, I decided to focus on my own success. Just for a moment not focusing on my failures. I should do that more often!
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
A TASTE OF SUMMER
The other day I woke up and looked outside. The first thing I thought was "I wish it would get warm". Its been below freezing every night and only in the 40's everyday. I then started my routine of letting Beau out, giving him his morning snack and then emptying the dishwasher. As I was putting the dishes away, I felt a sharp pain on my knee. It felt like a bee sting but OF COURSE IT COULDN'T BE THAT WITH TEMPERATURES SO LOW!!! I thought maybe a thread had wrapped around a hair and yanked it out. I quickly pulled my pants down and there was a HORNET!! OUCH!! I grabbed it up into the material and crushed it using a paper towel. Was this just a friendly reminder what summer is really like?
Well, I don't have a bee in my bonnet, just a hornet in my pants!
Well, I don't have a bee in my bonnet, just a hornet in my pants!
HOW MUCH WOOD WOULD A WOOD CHUCK CHUCK?
Sarah: Mom, does a wood chuck really chuck wood?
Me: No
Sarah: Then why do they call it a wood chuck?
Me: I don't know it doesn't really make sense.
Sarah (in a totally serious voice): I wonder, how much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood? I wonder that.
Me: (ha, ha) I wonder too.
Sarah: Isn't a wood chuck someone who chops down wood?
Me: (hee, hee) No, that's a....wood chopper I guess.
Sarah: I think they should be called a wood chuck because that makes more sense.
Me: A wood chuck can also be called a ground hog. That makes more sense.
Sarah: WHAT'S WITH THE HOG! Have you ever seen a hog? It doesn't look anything like a hog, maybe a little chubby but still!
Me: (chuckle).
Sarah: Why do you keep laughing at me?
Sarah (with lips puffed out, emphasizing every word but still totally serious): How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck WOULD chuck wood?
Sarah: I think it should be "would" not "could". I like that way better.
Me: Because its your way?
Sarah: No, because it is better that way.
Me: Well, maybe people assume that if a wood chuck COULD chuck wood, it would. Its just that it can't, but if it could, it would. People assume that.
I don't think Sarah was convinced but we had arrived at the school.
Me: Have a good day!
Sarah: Bye.
Me: No
Sarah: Then why do they call it a wood chuck?
Me: I don't know it doesn't really make sense.
Sarah (in a totally serious voice): I wonder, how much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood? I wonder that.
Me: (ha, ha) I wonder too.
Sarah: Isn't a wood chuck someone who chops down wood?
Me: (hee, hee) No, that's a....wood chopper I guess.
Sarah: I think they should be called a wood chuck because that makes more sense.
Me: A wood chuck can also be called a ground hog. That makes more sense.
Sarah: WHAT'S WITH THE HOG! Have you ever seen a hog? It doesn't look anything like a hog, maybe a little chubby but still!
Me: (chuckle).
Sarah: Why do you keep laughing at me?
Sarah (with lips puffed out, emphasizing every word but still totally serious): How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck WOULD chuck wood?
Sarah: I think it should be "would" not "could". I like that way better.
Me: Because its your way?
Sarah: No, because it is better that way.
Me: Well, maybe people assume that if a wood chuck COULD chuck wood, it would. Its just that it can't, but if it could, it would. People assume that.
I don't think Sarah was convinced but we had arrived at the school.
Me: Have a good day!
Sarah: Bye.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WOULD BE SO MUCH CRYING AND WHINING
Before I was a parent, no one told me there would be so much crying and whining involved. Some of it my own. It started almost immediately the day I gave birth to my firstborn. After spending thirty-two hours trying to stifle my own cries I was wheeled off to rest. The wails of some screaming infant could be heard all the way down the hospital corridors through the closed doors of my hospital room. Could that be my cute little Thomas? It certainly was and now fourteen years after starting my journey as a parent, I'm still listening to various snifflings, whinings and wailings.
To tell you the truth I've found it quite surprising. Before kids, I was living under the illusion that kids cried for good reasons. Now I realize that a good reason may be that they fear the bathtub drain may suck them down. Or that the tag on their shirt is scratchy. Or that the sound of a garbage bag being shaken out is scarey. Or numerous other seemingly innocent events that are actually quite sinister.
Another illusion I had was that when a parent said no, it meant no. It isn't supposed to mean cry your heart out and whine for hours. Okay, I am exaggerating a bit, but I did think you only had to deal with a few minor tantrums. Once the kids know you mean business, they just become like little lumps of clay waiting to be moulded into whatever you want, right? It only takes a couple of "no's" before they fall into line, right? It doesn't take six or seven years of constant work to mould their personalities, right?
Well, my bubble has been burst and I am now living in reality. Reality really isn't so bad. I'm getting used to the crying and whining just at the stage that I don't hear quite so much of it. Erin is no longer scared that she will be sucked down the drain. Thomas is brave enough to stand up to garbage bags and Sarah just cuts the tags out of her shirts. My kids have learned that no means no, unless there is a certain quaver in my voice that only they can detect. I've learned to say no without that quaver in my voice when I really mean business.
We've come a long way baby!
To tell you the truth I've found it quite surprising. Before kids, I was living under the illusion that kids cried for good reasons. Now I realize that a good reason may be that they fear the bathtub drain may suck them down. Or that the tag on their shirt is scratchy. Or that the sound of a garbage bag being shaken out is scarey. Or numerous other seemingly innocent events that are actually quite sinister.
Another illusion I had was that when a parent said no, it meant no. It isn't supposed to mean cry your heart out and whine for hours. Okay, I am exaggerating a bit, but I did think you only had to deal with a few minor tantrums. Once the kids know you mean business, they just become like little lumps of clay waiting to be moulded into whatever you want, right? It only takes a couple of "no's" before they fall into line, right? It doesn't take six or seven years of constant work to mould their personalities, right?
Well, my bubble has been burst and I am now living in reality. Reality really isn't so bad. I'm getting used to the crying and whining just at the stage that I don't hear quite so much of it. Erin is no longer scared that she will be sucked down the drain. Thomas is brave enough to stand up to garbage bags and Sarah just cuts the tags out of her shirts. My kids have learned that no means no, unless there is a certain quaver in my voice that only they can detect. I've learned to say no without that quaver in my voice when I really mean business.
We've come a long way baby!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
