FORGIVENESS

I have been wondering, can you forgive someone even if they don't apologize?  I really have never felt like I agree with the advice that you must forgive someone to make yourself feel better.  I have never believed that you should forgive but not forget.  In fact, my belief is that you should forget the wrongs that have been done to you but you don't have to forgive them to do that.  Just a lot of thinking....

ONCE AGAIN!

Last night I was skimming through the channels on TV. I stopped briefly on OWN and saw a famous singer talking on "Master Class." I could not continue to watch because once again, it appeared that there was an emphasis on following your bliss. This singer didn't seem to understand that everyone can't be famous or even make a decent living at singing. He seemed to be criticizing parents that don't fully support their kids dreams. It would be easy for him to support his kids' dreams since he knows that he has plenty of money to give them if they fail. He said that he would rather have tried and failed than not try at all. That sounds all fine and dandy until a person actually fails. And, what IF he had failed? Would he still have been so happy about trying? What if he found himself at fifty years old, struggling to make ends meet, with no other skills to support himself? Would he simply be happy that his parents had supported his dreams or would he be angry that his parents hadn't pushed him to develop backup skills? As parents, we want to ensure that our kids will live a happy life but at the same time we are well aware that they will have to earn a living. Why criticize a parent that is worried that their kid won't be that one in a million who will become famous and earn as much as this particular singer? He seemed to think, that kind of parent was being mean by crushing their kid's dreams. Maybe he should realize, that parent actually loves their kid so much that they are trying to protect them from a failure that might make their entire life a struggle. Think about how many people had dreams to become famous singers but never fulfilled those dreams. Do we really believe that is because the parent didn't support them enough? If only they had more parental support, would they have become famous? Why should a parent be criticized for trying to help their kids make realistic goals in life? Why should a parent be criticized for thinking that maybe their kid won't be that one in a million famous person? For telling them honestly, you can try singing but make a backup plan, go to college, have skills that you can depend on. Tell me, what is wrong with that?

SIGNS OF SPRING - 2012!!

Although we finally had a snow storm yesterday, I have been noticing the usual signs of spring that start in February. It was a few years back when I realized that things began changing February. I think I noticed this because this is the month that I officially am sick of winter. I am one of the few that enjoy winter but at the end of January I can't help wonder when the heck it's going to end! February brings the realization that we have a way to go...maybe that is why ground hog day comes at the beginning of this month. People in years past needed some sign that the end was in sight so they came up with ground hog day! For me it is much more enjoyable to have to look for the subtle signs than to wait for the more obvious in April.

Well, when I look outside I see the buds forming on the trees - albeit they are covered in ice right now. I see more and more flocks of geese heading north. The sun seems just a bit more powerful. I think I notice this about the sun because sometimes I have felt moments that I am literally "soaking up the sun." The ground is frozen in the morning but by the end of the day it has begun to soften. If you sit on a westerly facing slope, you will notice a distinct warm spot where the snow melts first. Or at least I think they are westerly facing! The seed catalogs start arriving although I have only ordered from them a couple of times in the past. They remind me that I should start thinking about starting planting my pepper seeds in pots. The birds spend a bit more time singing...hoping for a mate I guess.

I think these signs of spring and hopes for the summer are one of the things that I like best about living in an area that has distinct seasons. I definitely would miss winter if I lived in Florida, yet I would go crazy living in a place that never got really hot. For now I will just sit back and enjoy these subtle signs of the coming change.

INTERESTING THOUGHT

I think there are some adults who have confused having high expectations for kids with simply being mean. Yesterday my daughters were home from school because they had a snow day and Erin's AP Biology teacher sent an email out to the kids to assign them a whole bunch of work to do on their surprise day off. At the end she made a sarcastic joke about how they should enjoy their day off. She more than likely would disguise her request as having high expectations for her AP students. None of the other AP teachers sent out emails. I have high expectations for my kids and they have been very successful so far...but I am not mean. I wonder if this teacher will ever mature enough to learn there is a difference?

HOW DO THEY DO IT?

I often times wonder how my kids manage to survive going to school. Thomas is in his first year of college, Erin is in her senior year of high school and Sarah is in ninth grade. Sure they complain about things. Too much work, crummy group partners, crummy teachers, crummy friends. You know, all the usual. But they keep waking up each day and heading off to school.

So why are they able to do this? When I really think about it, a big factor is that they have young strong bodies! As a person gets older they don't even realize how decrepit they've become! They don't suddenly wake up with aches, pains and unexplained tiredness. I know, I know, there are people who move into their older years and are in great shape. They eat healthy, exercise and go to bed on time. Many people don't do this and kids NEVER do this! They get to stay up late, eat junk food and sit using the computer for hours and all that happens to them is a little tiredness and maybe some puffy eyes! Their puffy eyes go away, mine are here to stay!

I think another factor that allows our kids to survive school is that they are used to being told what to do. As adults, we've had at least a taste of freedom to make our own choices. If you really think about it, kids have little freedom. If they try to veer off the path into what we consider laziness, we are right there to nag at them. If they have a headache after school, the fear of getting in trouble with the teacher is what gets them to do their homework. They really have no option of quitting. They see what happens to the kids that rebel and don't do their homework and don't pay attention in school. We are quick to remind them "you don't want to end up flipping burgers do you?!" We'd all like to believe that we show our kids unconditional love. We may claim that we love them unconditionally but if they don't do what we say, we certainly don't show them that love!

The reason I am thinking of this today is that I just read a blog of a woman who went back to college since her kids are getting older and need less of her time. She looks around at all the younger people and wonders how they are able to party and still make it to class with their homework complete. Besides the reasons I wrote about above, I think it is a matter of priorities. A parent has spent years raising their kids. We may be good at nagging our kids but they are also good at nagging us. It may not be obvious but they have their ways! Those complaints, tears and frustrations of our kids eat away at our brains! Sometimes it may appear that we parents are not even doing anything for them but if you are like me, your kids seem to be constantly in your thoughts. For me the thoughts of "should I handle this issue this way or that way" are exhausting! AND, I feel that they are oh so important. When something is important to my kids, it becomes important to me. When someone is important to my kids, they become important to me. The importance may be from a good situation or from a bad one. These important issues require physical as well as emotional support. The physical support has an obvious, tangible result but the emotional stuff remains in our heads....or at least part of it does! That just brings me to how much defending I do. I know that the usual advice is to let our kids fight their own battles but I find it impossible when I see that often times kids have no voice. They may be dismissed and told that they must respect and obey their elders. Fortunately I am now an "elder" and can speak up for them!

This all comes at a cost to our energy level. Just because our kids get older and less dependent on physical support, the emotional support seems to only become greater. We are told as parents to "take care of ourselves" but I challenge the person who doesn't take into account our desire to help our kids on their path to adulthood. We only have one chance to at least make an attempt to get it right. Yes, we can TRY to take care of ourselves but who really puts them self first? Who could sit back and NOT invest the necessary energy? I don't think anyone should underestimate the power our concern for our kids has over us. So, my hat goes off to any person who decides to go back to college! They are a person who is walking in their kids shoes without giving up their parent's shoes! I guess maybe they have one of each on!