PITY PARTY

Well, a couple days ago, I had myself a pity party. Definitely not because of my life now, my life is great. I instead had a few thoughts about my childhood. I rarely think of the past anymore and I'm not sure why I did at this time. I think it may be because recently I have been given copies of some letters my grandmother wrote at the time when I was young. She lived with my family the entire time I was growing up. My siblings read them as well and I found all of our reactions interesting. She seemed to make an attempt at holding herself back from her negative feelings but since I lived with her longer than my other siblings, I knew they were there. I feel that some of my siblings read the letters with rose colored glasses on. I would not consider myself a pessimist, but rather a realist. I actually consider myself an optimist but then again I bet most people think that. She was not a bad person but she also was not the wonderful person that some may see. When I gave this kind of response to my siblings, I sort of got the impression that a couple of them looked down on me. Mind you, I did not go on and on about negative things, I just felt as if I jokingly pointed out a couple of things. To be honest, I was a bit annoyed at one sibling in particular. This sibling said that my grandmother was a very positive and kind person and insinuated I was not because I was not being nice when I talked about my experience with her in my childhood. The fact is, she was not really positive and she was not really kind. I'm very big on the philosophy "actions speak louder than words." You may write words that make you appear nice but how do you actually live your life? What's funny about the entire thing? I think she actually sort of liked me better than some. You would think that if anyone saw her with rose colored glasses it would be me.

For myself, it made me look at how I live my life. I think maybe my situation is the opposite. If someone read letters/emails that I've written they would think that I am not such a good person but knowing me personally they would see me as a nice person. In reality, I try to live my life in a positive way. I am acutely aware that my actions speak louder than my words. I try to raise my children in such a way that they will look back fondly and think that I was a good mother. I think that I often times show my love with my actions. I can never be sure, but I can hope that my kids will remember these things.

On the other hand, no one is perfectly happy all the time and sometimes my writings, words and actions reflect this. I thought about whether I would change myself and decided that I can not pretend to be anything other than myself. I've decided that instead of pretending I will try to follow the advice my mother liked to give, "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." I will apply this to my emails to my siblings in particular. I will not always be successful but that is okay with me. That's why I have a category on my blog called "complaints." I'm much safer writing it here than sending it out to relatives! I rarely look back on my childhood with fondness and when I do, it's never with a fondness for my relatives and I can't pretend things were different but I can keep my mouth shut.....like I most often do with a few occasional slips here and there! It's much better for my mental health to not dwell on the past. That is good advice to follow...

TORN MENISCUS

I really believed that if anyone would be unable to hike Mt. Washington it would be me. So far so good, I seem to be holding up pretty well but I don't want to jinx myself by talking too much about it. Unfortunately, Tom is the one who may be unable to accomplish this feat. On our "get in shape for Mt. Washington" hikes he has been having knee pain, especially on the downhill portions. I told him that if there was any hope that he'd be able to make Mt. Washington he needed to go see our friendly orthopedist. After poking, prodding and bending Tom's knee, the doctor declared that he thought it was a torn meniscus (hence the title to this post). He needs to follow up with an MRI to confirm but we trust the talent of diagnosis of our doctor. He agreed to give him a cortisone shot right before we climb the mountain and eventually he will need surgery....sigh. We've decided that he can climb up but will take a van down the mountain and hopefully keep from damaging it further.

ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?

I realized right from the moment I considered climbing Mt. Washington with the family that it was going to take a lot of work to get into shape. After all, I've spent the last couple of years working very hard at getting out of shape. All that laying around watching TV was quite a job! I've been impressed with how long the family has been willing to put up with my constant suggestions for various hikes. Until recently, they agreed without much objection. Now however, they groan every time I say "we need to go on a hike!"

When we went to Knoebel's for a few days this week I was nice enough to let Erin and Sarah forgo the hike that Thomas and I had planned. They happily pranced off to the amusement park while Thomas and I went zipping in the the van over hill and dale. We arrived at Nescopeck State Park about 45 minutes later. Leaving the parking lot, we looked for the entrance to the "Mountain Loop" trail. We should have known that things would not go well when we spied it off through a tangle of prickers! About half of our hike was through gawd awful, leg grabbing weeds, bushes and more prickers! Looking on the bright side, we found a few wild raspberries that tasted good and we hiked an incline that Thomas said was similar to a portion of Mt. Washington (pant, pant, huff, puff). We won't mention the fact that the raspberries were right beside the parking lot and we didn't really need to go on the hike to find them.... Not surprisingly, the incline was not located on the Mountain Loop but instead it was on the Oak Trail. The Oak Trail had very few oaks. A good portion of our time I complained about the upkeep of the trails. "They have that big beautiful visitor center.....THAT ISN'T OPEN!!" "All they would have to do is drive an ATV over these trails a few times and it would take care of all these bushes!" "Did the people who named these trails even hike them??" Even Thomas chimed in with "How hard is it to paint a few colored squares on the trees?!"

(Pause to get ice and ibuprofen for Thomas's finger that he slammed down while tripping on the stairs - broken or not broken that is the question of the day...)

We emerged from the undergrowth battered and bleeding and wondering if any ticks had reached our underwear. Well, at least I was bleeding, Thomas was unscathed. After Thomas made a trip to the well appointed porta potty (meaning it had plenty of toilet paper) we collapsed into the comfort of the van's air conditioning. In regards to our hike I said "I'm glad I did that!", without any sarcasm. I guess I am a glutton for punishment.

WHAT I LIKE ABOUT ME...

Yesterday I went to an appointment at the Jefferson Headache Center. It wasn't a bad visit but it wasn't really good either. Other than to say it was sort of weird I won't say anything more. It was just a follow-up, they've helped me tremendously and nothing needed to be changed so none of it matters.

What I really want to say is that I met a "girl" who is 28 years old. She has had a continuous migraine since she was 16 years old! She started getting occasional migraines at the age of two! Many times when I go to the center, I meet people like this who are worse off than me. She was a positive person who has learned to live with her problem. She went to college and now works full time. She down plays her migraine problem with her work colleagues because she doesn't want them to treat her differently. She is married but has no kids because she realizes that at this time she may not have the stamina to raise them the way she would want. Her philosophy in life is to accept how things are for her and at the same time, keep hope that things will get better and possibly even be migraine free one day. She has a sister who is 31 who recently had an increase in migraines and now gets them everyday. She is having trouble accepting this new life. The woman I was talking to told me that she thinks it was easier for her to accept than her sister because she was so young when it all started. I talked about my acceptance of my new life and told her that I never thought that it's possible that it might be more difficult for me because I was in my 40's when it all hit the fan.

Now for the part where I like something about myself. She told me that it was nice to be able to talk to someone about what she goes through. She says that she doesn't just kick up conversations in the waiting room and doesn't get a chance to talk to people about it. I've always said that I can find someone to talk to anywhere. I think part of my success comes from the fact that I am truly interested in what others have to say. I really do listen as well as talk myself. I like this about myself and felt happy that she said what she did. I could tell that I was a bright spot in her day.