MY MOTHER

     Recently I wast thinking about my mother.  I was the youngest of seven kids and rumor has it that my mother only wanted two.  My oldest sibling was almost 18 years old by the time I came along.  I wonder what that feeling must be like. I would not want to start over with a little baby at that point in my life so I can imagine my mother had some sadness.  Maybe it was a lot of sadness and quite possibly some anger as well.  I was not exactly a mistake because rumor also has it my father wanted a dozen kids.  My mother was trying to be a good wife, a good Catholic and do what she thought was right.  She was trying the best she could but I think it turned out to be too much.  She could have been happier with less kids.  It is cliche for people to say that they can't wait for their children to have kids of their own because then they will see.  Yes, I see.  I see it is hard to be a "good" mother.
     My mother said and did some pretty mean things to her children but I think her spirit had been beaten down by life.  People say that you forgive other people for yourself.  I don't think it is so much forgiveness that I feel, it is just a feeling of understanding.  It is also said that when you point a finger at someone else there are three pointing back at you.  I have always understood that philosophy even though I haven't always heeded it.  I don't want to judge her so harshly as I have in the past, not for her but because I am judging myself.
     Fortunately before my mother died I had come to some sort of peace with out relationship.  I think she was relatively happy with it and I was too.  I wouldn't describe it as loving but I had accepted that.  To me she was just an older person who I treated kindly and with respect.  I just didn't think about how she was actually my mother.  I am glad that I felt like I had resolved my feelings before she passed away because I have no regrets.  Even with the understanding I have now, it wouldn't have changed our relationship. The understanding does give me a kind of peace.  Life is not always fun but my mother stuck it out doing what she thought was right even when she didn't want to.  It is hard to be nice all the time and I understand how hard it would be to be nice after having five extra kids.