ONE MORE POST....GOALS AND HAPPINESS

I think I may end up being somewhat caught up on my life if I write just one more post! I am happiest when I have a goal. Last spring my goal was to get in good enough shape to hike to the summit of Mt. Washington in North Conway, NH. I started out in very poor shape. Huffing and puffing up even small hills. I guess because of my personality, I didn't get discouraged. My only fear was that my health problems would rear their ugly head. I had spent the previous fall and winter struggling to get my thyroid back on track with two medication increases. My iron level seemed to be okay but my migraines had increased. I was afraid that if things started to go bad again, I would not be able to tackle Mt. Washington. I love walking and hiking so most of the time, I went with happiness and a positive energy.

At the end of July 2010, I met my goal!! It took longer than we thought and it was almost dark when Thomas and I got back down the mountain but our entire family reached the peak! Thomas and I have knees that allowed us to hike back down. Tom met us at the bottom after him, Erin and Sarah took the shuttle down....their knees not so good.

Since Thomas and I have the real hiking bug we've made a new goal this year. It's not quite so lofty as last year but still quite a challenge. We plan to hike up Mt. Wittenberg in the Catskills. We've gone for a couple hikes in the snow so far for our training. We had wanted to hike up Mt. Tammany at the Delaware Water Gap in the snow/winter and we did that when he had a half day of school this past Thursday. It was an unseasonably warm day so we were able to wear just a couple of layers and be comfortable. Fortunately there are plenty of other hikers that think it's fun to hike there in the winter so the snow on the trail was packed enough to walk on. We went in our trail sneakers and our feet only got a bit wet. It was warm enough that they weren't cold though. Thomas had wanted to hike up to the knob down in Milford in the winter as well. We did that a couple of weeks ago but had a bit more trouble with the snow. Not as many people hike there in the winter so we were happy that we had worn our boots. They don't make for the best hiking footwear but at least our toes were dry and snuggly!

It's nice because although the stress of the previous six months had led to my inactivity, I was not as out of shape as last spring. This has been so encouraging to me that I've made an individual goal separate from Thomas. I would like to be able to "run" in the 5K run/walk that we participate in every May. I "ran" last week for the first time just to see how I would do. It was how I made my decision whether this was a goal I should make. Initially, I had thought I would try just a half mile and see if it killed me. Once I began, I realized that I could actually do a mile. Mind you, I put "run" in quotes for a reason. The fact that I was able to move at something more than a walk for an entire mile made me positive that I would at least attempt to run the 5K. I think I will be able to run without stopping and depending on how my training goes, I will probably make a time goal of doing it in under 45 minutes. Well, after consulting with my trainer (Thomas - smile) he says that after numerous calculations and contemplation, I should make a goal of running it in under 40 minutes. I'm not sure if I that should excite me or scare me! Well, for now I think I will just go do laundry...unfortunately there is not much muscle building in that.

DONATING, VOLUNTEERING AND BEING GENEROUS

My daughter is on the local Relay for Life of the American Cancer Society. Her and her friend have started a team and because they needed a chaperone, I am also on the team. Sarah and Thomas have joined as well. Each teammate needs to raise $100 with a goal of at least $1,000 for the team. I am pretty good at fundraising and have raised almost the entire $400 for our family. My approach is to ask people who I feel are generous but in a no pressure kind of way. I have been pleasantly surprised that almost all the people I've asked have donated. Many of them have donated $25 or $50! This has not only given me a sense that people are good at heart but it's also made me want to be more generous as well. It's made me feel even better about offering my time and effort for this event. My observation has been that the people who are generous, are also happier people. Being happier is always a good thing! I'm glad to be sharing in that happiness.

WOW WHEE! WHERE THE HECK HAVE I BEEN!

I have just been sort of preoccupied with life. This past year has been a lot of ups and downs through no fault of my own. Well, I guess I can blame myself in the sense that I had some rough times that I could have handled better. My father-in-law died in May and my mother died in September. My father-in-law had been in poor health for at least a couple years but my mother's only problem had been that she was starting to have more and more memory problems. Other than my annoyance at other people's behavior surrounding my father-in-law's death it didn't have any profound effect on me.

In contrast to my father-in-laws death, my mother's forgetfulness and subsequent death caused a lot of upheaval. Upheaval that I wish that I had handled differently because I feel as if it caused me to waste a lot of energy. Therefore causing six months of my life to be stressed. I really don't want to write about the details a whole lot mostly because it would mean reliving it and I'm done wasting my life on it....or at least I hope I am done. I will make a few brief points though.

The first thing that started all the stress was that because of her increasing forgetfulness there were people in the family that began discussing "what will we do if..." In a nutshell, my stress surrounded the fact that I felt that I would not and had no obligation to do anything. I felt my opinion put me on a very lonely island.

Although the family knew something was awry with my mother, her death was actually quite sudden. She died in her home without so much as one doctor visit. Hooray for her, what a way to go at 84 years old! I really didn't want to travel to NH to attend her funeral so I certainly didn't act appropriately when I was there. It's sort of ironic because I went only because I didn't want to look bad and cause stress in my family relationships. I would have done less damage by staying home.

The fallout from her funeral really stressed me out. Being judged for my uncaring attitude. Family scavenging through her belongings but then insinuating that I was scavenging as well. Me being quite surprised about the greed and wanting of others. Realizing certain relationships would change, one for the better but the rest for the worse.

Ultimately, it is now done. I've come full circle and feel that I am once again back to where I started. I am happy to be here and some might tell themselves that the journey helped them. I don't. As I said, only one relationship got better and I don't really think it was necessary to go through all that stress to get that relationship to that point. What I really learned from all this is that in order to protect myself emotionally, I need to be more cynical and less open with others. That part is going to continue to be hard for me.