ONE MORE POST....GOALS AND HAPPINESS

I think I may end up being somewhat caught up on my life if I write just one more post! I am happiest when I have a goal. Last spring my goal was to get in good enough shape to hike to the summit of Mt. Washington in North Conway, NH. I started out in very poor shape. Huffing and puffing up even small hills. I guess because of my personality, I didn't get discouraged. My only fear was that my health problems would rear their ugly head. I had spent the previous fall and winter struggling to get my thyroid back on track with two medication increases. My iron level seemed to be okay but my migraines had increased. I was afraid that if things started to go bad again, I would not be able to tackle Mt. Washington. I love walking and hiking so most of the time, I went with happiness and a positive energy.

At the end of July 2010, I met my goal!! It took longer than we thought and it was almost dark when Thomas and I got back down the mountain but our entire family reached the peak! Thomas and I have knees that allowed us to hike back down. Tom met us at the bottom after him, Erin and Sarah took the shuttle down....their knees not so good.

Since Thomas and I have the real hiking bug we've made a new goal this year. It's not quite so lofty as last year but still quite a challenge. We plan to hike up Mt. Wittenberg in the Catskills. We've gone for a couple hikes in the snow so far for our training. We had wanted to hike up Mt. Tammany at the Delaware Water Gap in the snow/winter and we did that when he had a half day of school this past Thursday. It was an unseasonably warm day so we were able to wear just a couple of layers and be comfortable. Fortunately there are plenty of other hikers that think it's fun to hike there in the winter so the snow on the trail was packed enough to walk on. We went in our trail sneakers and our feet only got a bit wet. It was warm enough that they weren't cold though. Thomas had wanted to hike up to the knob down in Milford in the winter as well. We did that a couple of weeks ago but had a bit more trouble with the snow. Not as many people hike there in the winter so we were happy that we had worn our boots. They don't make for the best hiking footwear but at least our toes were dry and snuggly!

It's nice because although the stress of the previous six months had led to my inactivity, I was not as out of shape as last spring. This has been so encouraging to me that I've made an individual goal separate from Thomas. I would like to be able to "run" in the 5K run/walk that we participate in every May. I "ran" last week for the first time just to see how I would do. It was how I made my decision whether this was a goal I should make. Initially, I had thought I would try just a half mile and see if it killed me. Once I began, I realized that I could actually do a mile. Mind you, I put "run" in quotes for a reason. The fact that I was able to move at something more than a walk for an entire mile made me positive that I would at least attempt to run the 5K. I think I will be able to run without stopping and depending on how my training goes, I will probably make a time goal of doing it in under 45 minutes. Well, after consulting with my trainer (Thomas - smile) he says that after numerous calculations and contemplation, I should make a goal of running it in under 40 minutes. I'm not sure if I that should excite me or scare me! Well, for now I think I will just go do laundry...unfortunately there is not much muscle building in that.

DONATING, VOLUNTEERING AND BEING GENEROUS

My daughter is on the local Relay for Life of the American Cancer Society. Her and her friend have started a team and because they needed a chaperone, I am also on the team. Sarah and Thomas have joined as well. Each teammate needs to raise $100 with a goal of at least $1,000 for the team. I am pretty good at fundraising and have raised almost the entire $400 for our family. My approach is to ask people who I feel are generous but in a no pressure kind of way. I have been pleasantly surprised that almost all the people I've asked have donated. Many of them have donated $25 or $50! This has not only given me a sense that people are good at heart but it's also made me want to be more generous as well. It's made me feel even better about offering my time and effort for this event. My observation has been that the people who are generous, are also happier people. Being happier is always a good thing! I'm glad to be sharing in that happiness.

WOW WHEE! WHERE THE HECK HAVE I BEEN!

I have just been sort of preoccupied with life. This past year has been a lot of ups and downs through no fault of my own. Well, I guess I can blame myself in the sense that I had some rough times that I could have handled better. My father-in-law died in May and my mother died in September. My father-in-law had been in poor health for at least a couple years but my mother's only problem had been that she was starting to have more and more memory problems. Other than my annoyance at other people's behavior surrounding my father-in-law's death it didn't have any profound effect on me.

In contrast to my father-in-laws death, my mother's forgetfulness and subsequent death caused a lot of upheaval. Upheaval that I wish that I had handled differently because I feel as if it caused me to waste a lot of energy. Therefore causing six months of my life to be stressed. I really don't want to write about the details a whole lot mostly because it would mean reliving it and I'm done wasting my life on it....or at least I hope I am done. I will make a few brief points though.

The first thing that started all the stress was that because of her increasing forgetfulness there were people in the family that began discussing "what will we do if..." In a nutshell, my stress surrounded the fact that I felt that I would not and had no obligation to do anything. I felt my opinion put me on a very lonely island.

Although the family knew something was awry with my mother, her death was actually quite sudden. She died in her home without so much as one doctor visit. Hooray for her, what a way to go at 84 years old! I really didn't want to travel to NH to attend her funeral so I certainly didn't act appropriately when I was there. It's sort of ironic because I went only because I didn't want to look bad and cause stress in my family relationships. I would have done less damage by staying home.

The fallout from her funeral really stressed me out. Being judged for my uncaring attitude. Family scavenging through her belongings but then insinuating that I was scavenging as well. Me being quite surprised about the greed and wanting of others. Realizing certain relationships would change, one for the better but the rest for the worse.

Ultimately, it is now done. I've come full circle and feel that I am once again back to where I started. I am happy to be here and some might tell themselves that the journey helped them. I don't. As I said, only one relationship got better and I don't really think it was necessary to go through all that stress to get that relationship to that point. What I really learned from all this is that in order to protect myself emotionally, I need to be more cynical and less open with others. That part is going to continue to be hard for me.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

It's hard to believe that it's been so long since I've posted. The above painting was done by Sarah in celebration of Thanksgiving. I have so much to be thankful for but sometimes I need to remind myself of those things, so Thanksgiving meant a lot to me this year.

A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS

SOMETIMES IT'S HARD TO GO TO WORK EVERYDAY

I always get annoyed when a celebrity claims that if you find a job you love then you won't feel like you are going to "work" everyday. They make it sound like people can spend their lives in constant happiness and work will just be pure bliss. What they don't say is that no job will make you happy everyday. That sometimes it's hard to make yourself get up and go to work even when most times you enjoy your job. There will always be those days that you are going to work purely for the paycheck. If we teach our kids that work should always be fun, then we are doing them a disservice. I teach my children that although they should enjoy their job overall, they have to also accept that they may be sick of it sometimes. This is not to say that I am teaching them to settle for a career that they don't ever enjoy. When they complain that they are sick of school I listen but I also point out the alternative....not being able to go to school....and they agree that school is mostly a positive thing but they are just sick of it for that time period (like the end of the year).

I do think that there are people who are happy with their jobs everyday but I think that it's more about their personality. Some people are just pure optimists. I consider myself an optimist...most times but not always. I think that most people in the world have their bad days, some more than others. One of the celebrities that I hear talking about "finding your bliss" has a name that starts with "O". I find it annoying that she acts like she just loves every day of her job but at the same time says that she is overweight because she eats out of unhappiness. If her job is truly pure bliss and she spends so much time working, why is she overweight....does all her unhappiness come as soon as she get's home? Maybe she should work more to keep her mind off her problems. My real point is that even "O" must have bad days and by acting like she doesn't she will make others feel as if something is wrong with their jobs because they are not in pure bliss. It would just be nice if she would emphasize the point that a person can sometimes complain about their job and still be happy.

Where would the world be if people only worked at jobs that made them happy everyday? I dare say that society would collapse. How many people love being cashiers, garbage men, sewage treatment facility workers and field workers? I'm not saying that these workers go to work unhappy everyday but that it's possible they could be happier in a job that wasn't so demanding. I think it was on the Jon Stewart show that I saw an activist that had started a "Take our jobs" program for the migrant workers. The basic premise was they would automatically offer a job to any American that wants to work in the fields. Although Americans fear that migrant workers are stealing American jobs, Americans don't want to do the work of a migrant worker! I guess we are just looking for that "job that we love". Maybe some of those migrant workers would much rather be working in an air conditioned office but then what would we all eat? Would we be happy growing our own food? I love to garden but I'd probably go hungry since I get too lazy to water and weed sometimes!

PITY PARTY

Well, a couple days ago, I had myself a pity party. Definitely not because of my life now, my life is great. I instead had a few thoughts about my childhood. I rarely think of the past anymore and I'm not sure why I did at this time. I think it may be because recently I have been given copies of some letters my grandmother wrote at the time when I was young. She lived with my family the entire time I was growing up. My siblings read them as well and I found all of our reactions interesting. She seemed to make an attempt at holding herself back from her negative feelings but since I lived with her longer than my other siblings, I knew they were there. I feel that some of my siblings read the letters with rose colored glasses on. I would not consider myself a pessimist, but rather a realist. I actually consider myself an optimist but then again I bet most people think that. She was not a bad person but she also was not the wonderful person that some may see. When I gave this kind of response to my siblings, I sort of got the impression that a couple of them looked down on me. Mind you, I did not go on and on about negative things, I just felt as if I jokingly pointed out a couple of things. To be honest, I was a bit annoyed at one sibling in particular. This sibling said that my grandmother was a very positive and kind person and insinuated I was not because I was not being nice when I talked about my experience with her in my childhood. The fact is, she was not really positive and she was not really kind. I'm very big on the philosophy "actions speak louder than words." You may write words that make you appear nice but how do you actually live your life? What's funny about the entire thing? I think she actually sort of liked me better than some. You would think that if anyone saw her with rose colored glasses it would be me.

For myself, it made me look at how I live my life. I think maybe my situation is the opposite. If someone read letters/emails that I've written they would think that I am not such a good person but knowing me personally they would see me as a nice person. In reality, I try to live my life in a positive way. I am acutely aware that my actions speak louder than my words. I try to raise my children in such a way that they will look back fondly and think that I was a good mother. I think that I often times show my love with my actions. I can never be sure, but I can hope that my kids will remember these things.

On the other hand, no one is perfectly happy all the time and sometimes my writings, words and actions reflect this. I thought about whether I would change myself and decided that I can not pretend to be anything other than myself. I've decided that instead of pretending I will try to follow the advice my mother liked to give, "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." I will apply this to my emails to my siblings in particular. I will not always be successful but that is okay with me. That's why I have a category on my blog called "complaints." I'm much safer writing it here than sending it out to relatives! I rarely look back on my childhood with fondness and when I do, it's never with a fondness for my relatives and I can't pretend things were different but I can keep my mouth shut.....like I most often do with a few occasional slips here and there! It's much better for my mental health to not dwell on the past. That is good advice to follow...

TORN MENISCUS

I really believed that if anyone would be unable to hike Mt. Washington it would be me. So far so good, I seem to be holding up pretty well but I don't want to jinx myself by talking too much about it. Unfortunately, Tom is the one who may be unable to accomplish this feat. On our "get in shape for Mt. Washington" hikes he has been having knee pain, especially on the downhill portions. I told him that if there was any hope that he'd be able to make Mt. Washington he needed to go see our friendly orthopedist. After poking, prodding and bending Tom's knee, the doctor declared that he thought it was a torn meniscus (hence the title to this post). He needs to follow up with an MRI to confirm but we trust the talent of diagnosis of our doctor. He agreed to give him a cortisone shot right before we climb the mountain and eventually he will need surgery....sigh. We've decided that he can climb up but will take a van down the mountain and hopefully keep from damaging it further.

ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?

I realized right from the moment I considered climbing Mt. Washington with the family that it was going to take a lot of work to get into shape. After all, I've spent the last couple of years working very hard at getting out of shape. All that laying around watching TV was quite a job! I've been impressed with how long the family has been willing to put up with my constant suggestions for various hikes. Until recently, they agreed without much objection. Now however, they groan every time I say "we need to go on a hike!"

When we went to Knoebel's for a few days this week I was nice enough to let Erin and Sarah forgo the hike that Thomas and I had planned. They happily pranced off to the amusement park while Thomas and I went zipping in the the van over hill and dale. We arrived at Nescopeck State Park about 45 minutes later. Leaving the parking lot, we looked for the entrance to the "Mountain Loop" trail. We should have known that things would not go well when we spied it off through a tangle of prickers! About half of our hike was through gawd awful, leg grabbing weeds, bushes and more prickers! Looking on the bright side, we found a few wild raspberries that tasted good and we hiked an incline that Thomas said was similar to a portion of Mt. Washington (pant, pant, huff, puff). We won't mention the fact that the raspberries were right beside the parking lot and we didn't really need to go on the hike to find them.... Not surprisingly, the incline was not located on the Mountain Loop but instead it was on the Oak Trail. The Oak Trail had very few oaks. A good portion of our time I complained about the upkeep of the trails. "They have that big beautiful visitor center.....THAT ISN'T OPEN!!" "All they would have to do is drive an ATV over these trails a few times and it would take care of all these bushes!" "Did the people who named these trails even hike them??" Even Thomas chimed in with "How hard is it to paint a few colored squares on the trees?!"

(Pause to get ice and ibuprofen for Thomas's finger that he slammed down while tripping on the stairs - broken or not broken that is the question of the day...)

We emerged from the undergrowth battered and bleeding and wondering if any ticks had reached our underwear. Well, at least I was bleeding, Thomas was unscathed. After Thomas made a trip to the well appointed porta potty (meaning it had plenty of toilet paper) we collapsed into the comfort of the van's air conditioning. In regards to our hike I said "I'm glad I did that!", without any sarcasm. I guess I am a glutton for punishment.

WHAT I LIKE ABOUT ME...

Yesterday I went to an appointment at the Jefferson Headache Center. It wasn't a bad visit but it wasn't really good either. Other than to say it was sort of weird I won't say anything more. It was just a follow-up, they've helped me tremendously and nothing needed to be changed so none of it matters.

What I really want to say is that I met a "girl" who is 28 years old. She has had a continuous migraine since she was 16 years old! She started getting occasional migraines at the age of two! Many times when I go to the center, I meet people like this who are worse off than me. She was a positive person who has learned to live with her problem. She went to college and now works full time. She down plays her migraine problem with her work colleagues because she doesn't want them to treat her differently. She is married but has no kids because she realizes that at this time she may not have the stamina to raise them the way she would want. Her philosophy in life is to accept how things are for her and at the same time, keep hope that things will get better and possibly even be migraine free one day. She has a sister who is 31 who recently had an increase in migraines and now gets them everyday. She is having trouble accepting this new life. The woman I was talking to told me that she thinks it was easier for her to accept than her sister because she was so young when it all started. I talked about my acceptance of my new life and told her that I never thought that it's possible that it might be more difficult for me because I was in my 40's when it all hit the fan.

Now for the part where I like something about myself. She told me that it was nice to be able to talk to someone about what she goes through. She says that she doesn't just kick up conversations in the waiting room and doesn't get a chance to talk to people about it. I've always said that I can find someone to talk to anywhere. I think part of my success comes from the fact that I am truly interested in what others have to say. I really do listen as well as talk myself. I like this about myself and felt happy that she said what she did. I could tell that I was a bright spot in her day.