STARTING AGAIN

It's been so long since I've posted on my blog.  I am glad that I did not delete it and I think it may be time to get back to it.  It has been almost two years since I posted and so much has happened in those two years.  The biggest change is that I got a job!  I went back to work as an engineer but it is as a Product Management Engineer so it is not really engineering but more management.  I do not like that aspect of it and there are many more things I can complain about but just going back to work was such a huge milestone in my life!

I started last June (2013) and I was 49 years old.  I had been out of work for almost 21 years so it was pretty scary.  I had done a couple years of substitute teaching but that was quite a few years ago.  I started out only working two days a week and then in January of this year I started doing three.  By the end of March I added another day but it is a day working from home.  So I am just one day short of full time and it has been pretty tiring.  The job itself is pretty crummy and lacks any sort of job satisfaction.  I am finding many of the people I work with to be challenging to say the least but I guess I'd find that in any job.  I am working hard to learn to deal with these new stresses in my life and I must say it has been overwhelming at times.  If I do keep up with my posting I will probably write more about my feelings here.

I am surprised I didn't post about it but two years ago I also had a falling out with my in laws.  I guess after being married for 25 years I finally just got fed up.  I didn't initiate the conversation but my sister in law decided she needed to air some issues with me that turned out to be a last straw for me.  I have had mixed emotions but mostly I just feel free.  Free to fully be who I am without having to worry what they all think of me.  Free from having to try to make them like me and make them happy.  My biggest problem comes with knowing that although they may talk behind my back and say bad things about me, eventually they will want to make up with me.  I know myself well enough to know that I will never want to make up with them.  I am not actively angry about all the issues of all the past years.  Like I said, I just feel free.  I feel relief that I don't have these people bringing me down anymore.  Part of the problem over the years is that they are that kind of family that never fully accepts outsiders into the family.  I was expected to call my mother in law and father in law "Mr and Mrs."  I couldn't even us their first names.  Because they kept me at arms length all those years, I never had a close, loving relationship to be missing now.  To me the relationship really was being a bystander, watching all the family nastiness.  Sometimes it felt like that was all I was good for.  I was a person to listen to one person bashing another person.  I do not miss family gatherings which usually meant I had to listen to hours of meanness being spewed forth about whoever was the latest target.  Two years ago, I became the target.  I didn't feel I had done anything grieves that should cause anyone to think I was a bad person and I had no intention of changing to please anyone.  I had already spent years stifling things in order to keep family members from disliking me.  Now two years later...the longer they are out of my life the better it feels.

So those are the two big things that have happened.  I think I am ready to start posting more but I don't want to promise or pressure myself.
 

FORGIVENESS

I have been wondering, can you forgive someone even if they don't apologize?  I really have never felt like I agree with the advice that you must forgive someone to make yourself feel better.  I have never believed that you should forgive but not forget.  In fact, my belief is that you should forget the wrongs that have been done to you but you don't have to forgive them to do that.  Just a lot of thinking....

ONCE AGAIN!

Last night I was skimming through the channels on TV. I stopped briefly on OWN and saw a famous singer talking on "Master Class." I could not continue to watch because once again, it appeared that there was an emphasis on following your bliss. This singer didn't seem to understand that everyone can't be famous or even make a decent living at singing. He seemed to be criticizing parents that don't fully support their kids dreams. It would be easy for him to support his kids' dreams since he knows that he has plenty of money to give them if they fail. He said that he would rather have tried and failed than not try at all. That sounds all fine and dandy until a person actually fails. And, what IF he had failed? Would he still have been so happy about trying? What if he found himself at fifty years old, struggling to make ends meet, with no other skills to support himself? Would he simply be happy that his parents had supported his dreams or would he be angry that his parents hadn't pushed him to develop backup skills? As parents, we want to ensure that our kids will live a happy life but at the same time we are well aware that they will have to earn a living. Why criticize a parent that is worried that their kid won't be that one in a million who will become famous and earn as much as this particular singer? He seemed to think, that kind of parent was being mean by crushing their kid's dreams. Maybe he should realize, that parent actually loves their kid so much that they are trying to protect them from a failure that might make their entire life a struggle. Think about how many people had dreams to become famous singers but never fulfilled those dreams. Do we really believe that is because the parent didn't support them enough? If only they had more parental support, would they have become famous? Why should a parent be criticized for trying to help their kids make realistic goals in life? Why should a parent be criticized for thinking that maybe their kid won't be that one in a million famous person? For telling them honestly, you can try singing but make a backup plan, go to college, have skills that you can depend on. Tell me, what is wrong with that?

SIGNS OF SPRING - 2012!!

Although we finally had a snow storm yesterday, I have been noticing the usual signs of spring that start in February. It was a few years back when I realized that things began changing February. I think I noticed this because this is the month that I officially am sick of winter. I am one of the few that enjoy winter but at the end of January I can't help wonder when the heck it's going to end! February brings the realization that we have a way to go...maybe that is why ground hog day comes at the beginning of this month. People in years past needed some sign that the end was in sight so they came up with ground hog day! For me it is much more enjoyable to have to look for the subtle signs than to wait for the more obvious in April.

Well, when I look outside I see the buds forming on the trees - albeit they are covered in ice right now. I see more and more flocks of geese heading north. The sun seems just a bit more powerful. I think I notice this about the sun because sometimes I have felt moments that I am literally "soaking up the sun." The ground is frozen in the morning but by the end of the day it has begun to soften. If you sit on a westerly facing slope, you will notice a distinct warm spot where the snow melts first. Or at least I think they are westerly facing! The seed catalogs start arriving although I have only ordered from them a couple of times in the past. They remind me that I should start thinking about starting planting my pepper seeds in pots. The birds spend a bit more time singing...hoping for a mate I guess.

I think these signs of spring and hopes for the summer are one of the things that I like best about living in an area that has distinct seasons. I definitely would miss winter if I lived in Florida, yet I would go crazy living in a place that never got really hot. For now I will just sit back and enjoy these subtle signs of the coming change.

INTERESTING THOUGHT

I think there are some adults who have confused having high expectations for kids with simply being mean. Yesterday my daughters were home from school because they had a snow day and Erin's AP Biology teacher sent an email out to the kids to assign them a whole bunch of work to do on their surprise day off. At the end she made a sarcastic joke about how they should enjoy their day off. She more than likely would disguise her request as having high expectations for her AP students. None of the other AP teachers sent out emails. I have high expectations for my kids and they have been very successful so far...but I am not mean. I wonder if this teacher will ever mature enough to learn there is a difference?

HOW DO THEY DO IT?

I often times wonder how my kids manage to survive going to school. Thomas is in his first year of college, Erin is in her senior year of high school and Sarah is in ninth grade. Sure they complain about things. Too much work, crummy group partners, crummy teachers, crummy friends. You know, all the usual. But they keep waking up each day and heading off to school.

So why are they able to do this? When I really think about it, a big factor is that they have young strong bodies! As a person gets older they don't even realize how decrepit they've become! They don't suddenly wake up with aches, pains and unexplained tiredness. I know, I know, there are people who move into their older years and are in great shape. They eat healthy, exercise and go to bed on time. Many people don't do this and kids NEVER do this! They get to stay up late, eat junk food and sit using the computer for hours and all that happens to them is a little tiredness and maybe some puffy eyes! Their puffy eyes go away, mine are here to stay!

I think another factor that allows our kids to survive school is that they are used to being told what to do. As adults, we've had at least a taste of freedom to make our own choices. If you really think about it, kids have little freedom. If they try to veer off the path into what we consider laziness, we are right there to nag at them. If they have a headache after school, the fear of getting in trouble with the teacher is what gets them to do their homework. They really have no option of quitting. They see what happens to the kids that rebel and don't do their homework and don't pay attention in school. We are quick to remind them "you don't want to end up flipping burgers do you?!" We'd all like to believe that we show our kids unconditional love. We may claim that we love them unconditionally but if they don't do what we say, we certainly don't show them that love!

The reason I am thinking of this today is that I just read a blog of a woman who went back to college since her kids are getting older and need less of her time. She looks around at all the younger people and wonders how they are able to party and still make it to class with their homework complete. Besides the reasons I wrote about above, I think it is a matter of priorities. A parent has spent years raising their kids. We may be good at nagging our kids but they are also good at nagging us. It may not be obvious but they have their ways! Those complaints, tears and frustrations of our kids eat away at our brains! Sometimes it may appear that we parents are not even doing anything for them but if you are like me, your kids seem to be constantly in your thoughts. For me the thoughts of "should I handle this issue this way or that way" are exhausting! AND, I feel that they are oh so important. When something is important to my kids, it becomes important to me. When someone is important to my kids, they become important to me. The importance may be from a good situation or from a bad one. These important issues require physical as well as emotional support. The physical support has an obvious, tangible result but the emotional stuff remains in our heads....or at least part of it does! That just brings me to how much defending I do. I know that the usual advice is to let our kids fight their own battles but I find it impossible when I see that often times kids have no voice. They may be dismissed and told that they must respect and obey their elders. Fortunately I am now an "elder" and can speak up for them!

This all comes at a cost to our energy level. Just because our kids get older and less dependent on physical support, the emotional support seems to only become greater. We are told as parents to "take care of ourselves" but I challenge the person who doesn't take into account our desire to help our kids on their path to adulthood. We only have one chance to at least make an attempt to get it right. Yes, we can TRY to take care of ourselves but who really puts them self first? Who could sit back and NOT invest the necessary energy? I don't think anyone should underestimate the power our concern for our kids has over us. So, my hat goes off to any person who decides to go back to college! They are a person who is walking in their kids shoes without giving up their parent's shoes! I guess maybe they have one of each on!

THE BATTLE OF THE VOLES

Why is it that cats feel no guilt when they have not done their job? You would think that with three cats in my family that I would never have a rodent problem! My vole problem must have started last winter as I snuggled up in front of the fire with a good book. I was blissfully unaware that under the cover of snow little voles were tunneling about finding a good source of food. In the spring I sauntered into my garden, still relatively ignorant, I noticed a little path that led to my garden in that cute wiggly way that voles are prone to make. At the time I didn't really know the differences between voles and moles and mistakenly thought a mole had made the path. I saw that the path led to the area where my asparagus grows. That was the first time that my heart sank. Holes all around my asparagus patch! Fortunately, it wasn't too long before I found that the asparagus was still alive. The relief I felt only lulled me into a sense of feeling all was right with the world...or at least my world. That sense of calm continued until I noticed that my pea seeds had very sporadic germination. Then I noticed a shallow tunnel leading down the row where my peas should have been. My heart sank again. Whatever was making those tunnels LOVED to eat seeds. I began what was to become a summer of research on voles.

At least they didn't seem to enjoy potatoes since I saw that the potato plants were thriving. I didn't know how wrong I was! I think they just didn't care for seed potatoes. As the potatoes began to grow beneath the soil, the voles came and worked their way through. My first indication that something was amiss was one wilted potato plant. I grabbed hold of it to see what was wrong and it immediately came out of the soil. Not a bit of root left! After they ate two more plants I decided to harvest the potatoes and we had a small but tasty crop.

As usual, this summer I had been behind in planting seeds and I began to realize that these rodents were going to be a major problem. They were already forming a community in the spot I had planned for beans. It was beginning to look like a prairie dog town! I knew that they would love it if I provided them with tasty bean seeds so I decided to try to eradicate them first. If I had known then what I know now I wouldn't have bothered. What I know now is that once you kill off the stupid voles only the smart ones remain and it becomes impossible to kill them. They then have offspring that become the Einsteins of the vole world.

I read about voles until I was exhausted. I learned that sometimes you can place mouse traps in their tunnels and they simple run over them and get trapped. Hooray it worked! This was also when I learned that voles will eat each other...ugh. Nothing like a trapped and killed vole that provides a meal for his buddies. I caught and killed less than ten voles this way. I must say I was thrilled about my success but then I started to find that the tunnels caved in on the traps...or so I thought. After awhile I realized that the tunnels were not caving in, the voles were burying the traps as soon as I set them. All I had succeeded in doing was to weed out the weak minded voles leaving me with a garden full of geniuses. I tried some above ground traps baited with peanut butter and although they were more complex and cost more, I didn't catch one vole in them. No, castor oil does not work either. All it does is lull you into believing that it is working as a vole repellent. As I was inside celebrating, the voles were outside laughing and munching down on more roots. Yes, that is what they do, they go underground and eat the roots of your plants so you don't know what is happening until your plants shrivel and die. This is one underground railroad that needs to be stopped!

I continued to put off planting any seed but I did start some zucchini plants inside. Unfortunately, since I was so preoccupied with solving the vole problem I waited too long and although some plants survived the voles, I was only able to harvest three zucchinis by the end of the summer.

As far as my cats, I did save a lot of money on cat food over the summer. My cats will kill AND eat wildlife and this summer voles were abundant. I knew my cats were having their fill since often times their dried food was left unfinished. Apparently three cats are not enough to keep up with a vole population explosion. After a summer of unsuccessful attempts at thwarting their damage, I have come to the conclusion I will have to wait for them to die out naturally. In my extensive research I have learned that vole population explosions are cyclic. Every three to five years there is a sudden increase in population. What ends up happening is they die out naturally. People will try all sort of remedies and when the vole population drops off, people tend to think "aha! it worked!" to whatever they tried. In reality they have just died off naturally.

I will remember this summer as "The Great Vole Depression of 2011." Eventually I couldn't even go into the garden without feeling depressed. I had a few plants that survived but I was so behind that all I was able to harvest were those three zucchinis. My garden became a jungle that I rarely entered. Over Thanksgiving weekend I got out my machete and whacked my way through. Just joking. I got a couple of rakes and enlisted the help of my son to start cleaning up. It had rained so much this summer that I felt like I was trying to clear cut a rain forest! My plan was to get rid of everything that provided a vole habitat. I would like to report that there was a natural decline in vole activity but that has not happened. I am hoping that a miracle will happen over the winter. I still have a bit more cleaning up to do but mostly I am just relying on the cyclic nature of vole population explosions. I don't think I can stand another summer of vole nightmares!

WEARY

I feel weary. Weary of people. Lately I am left wondering why people have so much trouble interacting with each other. Why is it that simple things seem to become so difficult? Why is it that people seem to want to cause other people anguish? Sometimes I am just in a position to be observing people hurting each other and other times it seems that people want to hurt me. Even the nicest people sometimes hurt others in an attempt to make themselves feel better.

Often times I am able to understand why people say the things that they do but sometimes I am just dumbfounded. I question why, what benefit is there in putting others down. Some people have the trait of wanting to watch others squirm. I have sometimes been put into the situation where someone has made me squirm. Once I am over the uncomfortable situation I look back and wonder what kind of person finds satisfaction in that kind of torture. How does that make them feel better about themselves?

Whenever I am trying to understand these kinds of things I analyze myself to see if I have ever done something similar. I am pretty sure that I do not purposely try to make anyone squirm. Doing this would mean that the other person would act embarrassed. I find it very uncomfortable if I have made someone else embarrassed so I do not think that I purposely try to make people squirm.

I often call this mean teasing. I come from a family that has a tendency to tease others in a nasty kind of way. In the past when I have been around them I admit that I have been guilty of joining in on the torture. It's almost as if I was compelled to take a side and I knew I didn't want to be on the losing side! However, I can say that I have never gotten enjoyment out of it. I would always come away from the interaction with a shameful unhappy feeling. I wonder if the others feel this as well.

For me, I think one thing that is difficult is that I often times laugh at myself and then I assume that others will laugh at themselves as well. A simple example is that I am one of those people who loves to talk. I can joke about myself talking someone's ear off. I would assume that the other talkers out there could laugh at themselves as well, so I would assume that teasing them about it would not fall under the mean teasing category. But maybe it would. This is a gray area where I find that I need to watch others' reactions to make sure I haven't offended anyone. I can say for sure, I do not enjoy making people squirm!

MORE ON DRAMA

I would love to report that I have successfully avoided the drama I mentioned in the previous post but I haven't... However, I can report that I have learned some things. I have often heard that to stop a bad habit, replace it with a good one. I am learning to expand on this philosophy and have figured out that replacing drama with good interactions with other people may be my saving grace. I can't be sucked into drama if I am always talking to people who don't stress me out. Sometimes it is even enough to be engrossed in a fun activity instead of hanging around with the drama queens.

This is easier said than done but I think I am up to the challenge. It is easier to follow my own advice when the drama queen in question is not my friend. I am still figuring out what to do when the drama queens are my friends. Even further, what do I do when there is only one true drama queen in a group of friends? I don't want to avoid a group of friends because of one bad apple.

Another dilemma is being able to recognize when there is drama just for the sake of drama and when it falls under the category of supporting a friend through a difficult situation. I am starting to have to consider this with one particular friend. I don't mind listening to a friend's problems but then I need to be careful that "friend" does not monopolize every interaction. In this case I am thinking of a person who is part of a group of friends. I am noticing that approximately two thirds of our time together is spent listening to her problems and being supportive of her. Then once someone else starts talking, her eyes glaze over. This week when we all got together I sat back and observed this phenomenon. Hmmm. Now I realize that this has been bothering me for quite awhile. I guess last year I should have had a clue when I saw a couple of eye rolls when I tried to interject something into the conversation. At the time I tried to be careful that I was not interrupting her. It was obvious that she had no patience for what someone else had to say.

So, I am making progress in recognizing areas that have a high drama level and I am even figuring out ways of dealing with this but I still need to try and implement my ideas. Some ideas work and some don't...that seems to be part of the process.

FIGHTING MY OWN HUMAN NATURE

It seems to me that part of human nature is to be attracted to drama. I wonder why this seems to be the case. What purpose does it serve to allow ourselves to be sucked into problems? It certainly is not pleasant. Like almost all people, I am guilty of allowing myself to be put into situations that make me unhappy. This is true regardless of the fact that I don't need to be part of the drama. I'm not forced into these situations. If I allow myself to honestly analyze these moments, I am allowing myself to be in them. I would like to believe that I am not actively seeking out problems but I have no hesitation in admitting that I find it difficult to walk away once I am embroiled in stressful interactions.

One recent occurrence happened even after I told myself that I refused to allow this activity to cause me undo stress. I am involved in my kids cross country team. I have always taken pictures of the team and in the past couple of years I have helped organize the end of season, pot luck banquet. Both of these things do not cause me stress, truthfully, they cause me happiness. However, two years ago, one of the mothers decided that we needed to start a booster club. She enlisted the help of one other mother and they filled out the initial paperwork and opened a bank account. The original purpose of the club was to raise money for an enclosed canopy. I agreed whole heartily and had planned to support whatever fundraising activities that they organized without officially being an officer of the club. However the next year I decided it would be okay to be an officer... co president or something like that. It doesn't really matter what I was called. The point is, I was more "official" and with that came difficulties. This is where I became embroiled in stress. Gone was the happiness of picture taking and banquet planning....sigh.

The lesson I tried to learn was that I need to become better at recognizing situations that cause me stress and then walk away from them. I made a firm plan for this year and I am working hard at sticking with it. At the heart of the plan is my insistence that I refuse to allow my activities with the team to cause me stress. I really have no need to end my role officially but I do need to be thoughtful in what I enjoy and what makes me unhappy. I plan on taking pictures and planning the banquet. Period. Both of those things make me happy. Then the period becomes a comma....sigh. This is my difficulty.

Recently I found myself in an uncomfortable discussion. Not only did I feel tense from this discussion, it also put me behind in errands that I was planning to run that day. That put me behind as far as getting home and making supper...which screwed up my kids life as well. They wanted to eat and start homework.

Why, oh why, do I let this happen? Now THAT is the question! Hah! I do realize that the answer to this question is irrelevant because the real accomplishment would be to learn to recognize these situations quickly and simply walk away. No analyzing, just action. So there you have it, I am trying to fight my own human nature of getting sucked into drama....