THE NOSE KNOWS

I thought Beau was getting old enough that his sniffer was starting to go on the fritz. That is, until yesterday when we were going for a walk. Beau was happily trotting along then suddenly he did an about face. He lunged into the bushes, rammed his nose into some dried grass and leaves and then pops up with a kaiser roll in his mouth! The nose knows!!

ACHIEVING GOALS

Sarah runs down the dirt road ahead of me. I'm walking because I am not meant to run. I watch as she reaches the end of the road for the third time and turns and heads back. If she runs back and forth on this stretch of road for four times she will have run two miles. That is her goal and she doesn't stop until she's reached it. I marvel in her tenacity. I love to see my children set goals for themselves and struggle to meet them. I'm unabashedly proud of them. They each meet their challenges in their own way. Thomas, finding something he's good at and immersing himself in it fully. Erin, preferring to take on something that she knows she will have to work at to succeed. Sarah, picking something she enjoys and quietly losing herself in it.

As I watched Sarah run, I thought about my own life. My own goals. I sometimes don't give myself credit for my successes. I downplay my accomplishments but when push comes to shove I know I have done a lot. Struggling to get my college degree I can only credit myself for sticking with it. Being careful with my money over the years has earned me a pretty good financial stability. Sort of a rags to riches story. Just not quite rags and not quite riches but close enough. Spending fourteen years being the best parent I can. That's been one of the most demanding jobs of my life, yet the most rewarding and probably the most successful.

For that moment, while watching Sarah meet one of her goals, I decided to focus on my own success. Just for a moment not focusing on my failures. I should do that more often!

A TASTE OF SUMMER

The other day I woke up and looked outside. The first thing I thought was "I wish it would get warm". Its been below freezing every night and only in the 40's everyday. I then started my routine of letting Beau out, giving him his morning snack and then emptying the dishwasher. As I was putting the dishes away, I felt a sharp pain on my knee. It felt like a bee sting but OF COURSE IT COULDN'T BE THAT WITH TEMPERATURES SO LOW!!! I thought maybe a thread had wrapped around a hair and yanked it out. I quickly pulled my pants down and there was a HORNET!! OUCH!! I grabbed it up into the material and crushed it using a paper towel. Was this just a friendly reminder what summer is really like?

Well, I don't have a bee in my bonnet, just a hornet in my pants!

HOW MUCH WOOD WOULD A WOOD CHUCK CHUCK?

Sarah: Mom, does a wood chuck really chuck wood?
Me: No
Sarah: Then why do they call it a wood chuck?
Me: I don't know it doesn't really make sense.
Sarah (in a totally serious voice): I wonder, how much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood? I wonder that.
Me: (ha, ha) I wonder too.
Sarah: Isn't a wood chuck someone who chops down wood?
Me: (hee, hee) No, that's a....wood chopper I guess.
Sarah: I think they should be called a wood chuck because that makes more sense.
Me: A wood chuck can also be called a ground hog. That makes more sense.
Sarah: WHAT'S WITH THE HOG! Have you ever seen a hog? It doesn't look anything like a hog, maybe a little chubby but still!
Me: (chuckle).
Sarah: Why do you keep laughing at me?
Sarah (with lips puffed out, emphasizing every word but still totally serious): How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck WOULD chuck wood?
Sarah: I think it should be "would" not "could". I like that way better.
Me: Because its your way?
Sarah: No, because it is better that way.
Me: Well, maybe people assume that if a wood chuck COULD chuck wood, it would. Its just that it can't, but if it could, it would. People assume that.

I don't think Sarah was convinced but we had arrived at the school.

Me: Have a good day!
Sarah: Bye.

NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WOULD BE SO MUCH CRYING AND WHINING

Before I was a parent, no one told me there would be so much crying and whining involved. Some of it my own. It started almost immediately the day I gave birth to my firstborn. After spending thirty-two hours trying to stifle my own cries I was wheeled off to rest. The wails of some screaming infant could be heard all the way down the hospital corridors through the closed doors of my hospital room. Could that be my cute little Thomas? It certainly was and now fourteen years after starting my journey as a parent, I'm still listening to various snifflings, whinings and wailings.

To tell you the truth I've found it quite surprising. Before kids, I was living under the illusion that kids cried for good reasons. Now I realize that a good reason may be that they fear the bathtub drain may suck them down. Or that the tag on their shirt is scratchy. Or that the sound of a garbage bag being shaken out is scarey. Or numerous other seemingly innocent events that are actually quite sinister.

Another illusion I had was that when a parent said no, it meant no. It isn't supposed to mean cry your heart out and whine for hours. Okay, I am exaggerating a bit, but I did think you only had to deal with a few minor tantrums. Once the kids know you mean business, they just become like little lumps of clay waiting to be moulded into whatever you want, right? It only takes a couple of "no's" before they fall into line, right? It doesn't take six or seven years of constant work to mould their personalities, right?

Well, my bubble has been burst and I am now living in reality. Reality really isn't so bad. I'm getting used to the crying and whining just at the stage that I don't hear quite so much of it. Erin is no longer scared that she will be sucked down the drain. Thomas is brave enough to stand up to garbage bags and Sarah just cuts the tags out of her shirts. My kids have learned that no means no, unless there is a certain quaver in my voice that only they can detect. I've learned to say no without that quaver in my voice when I really mean business.

We've come a long way baby!

NICHE, OR NICH?

Have you ever noticed that people love to fit into a niche? There's all sorts of niche's. Some people like to fit in a niche that has a lot of people in it, like the soccer mom niche. Some find comfort in the niche that makes them feel smart like the brainy niche. Other's want to feel athletic and squeeze themself into the super jock niche. I find it bizarre that there is even a niche for people who think they are "unique" because being unique is so anti-niche. These unique niches include the wild and crazy people niche, the gothic teenagers niche and the earthy people niche. Then we have the battle of the niches, like the stay at home mom niche and the working mom niche. Breastfeeding versus bottlefeeding. The liberals and conservatives. Cat people versus dog people.

I have to be honest with you, I don't like niches and the thing that I like the least is how it is spelled. What is that "e" doing at the end anyway?

My dilemma is that since I hate niches, what niche do I want to fit into? You may wonder why I'm even asking this. Afterall, if I don't like niches, why would I want to fit into one? Because it actually sickens me to think that someone else may put me unwillingly into a niche that I don't want to be in. I'm actually starting to feel a little panicked. What if someone has already niched me!?! I don't want to be in any niche! I have no choice though, if I don't put myself in a niche, someone else will! Therefore, let it be known, I am hereby declaring myself the first member of the nich of people who want to spell nich without an "e"! Anyone care to join me? I'll warn you, sign up soon because membership will be limited. If we get too many members, it will be too much like a niche and not a nich. I will be the dictator of the nich and the only rule will be that members will always spell nich without an "e".

I WANT COFFEE!!!

Last night my daughter, Erin, came creeping up to me about an hour after she had gone to bed. I asked what was wrong and she told me she just wanted to let me know she was sleeping in the guest room. I asked if her sister, Sarah was keeping her awake by snoring. She said, no, it was just the opposite, she just didn't want to keep Sarah awake. I guess Erin had been crying and thought the noise would wake Sarah. I asked her what was wrong. She leaned over on the stairs and cried out "I WANT COFFEE!!" I just stared at the back of her head, trying to figure out if she had a major caffeine addiction that she hadn't told me about or if she was just sleep walking. I managed to ask what she meant. She had left her stuffed animal named "COFFEE" in the hotel room that we had been staying at a couple nights before and now she missed him! I tried not to laugh, afterall, this was serious!

Erin has a few favorite stuffed animals so I was a bit surprised that she was so upset. I decided to dig a little deeper. It turns out that the biggest thing that was bothering her was that it was HER fault. Aaahhh, imperfection! That was the real problem. So we had a little chat about accepting our imperfections. I told her how, after making tons of mistakes myself, I am learning to accept my own imperfections. This is just one of many mistakes she will make in her lifetime and chances are there will be some big ones. I told her that sometimes when I'm feeling really tense about some stupid thing I've done, I just release it. Its as simple as that. I give into the fact that I've made a mistake and I let it go in one great swoosh. Then I can relax and move on...until the next big mistake. I asked her if she could do that and she said, yes. I could see the peace come over her, so I gave her a kiss, tucked her in and said good night. I'm sure she slept tight. Hopefully she can carry the lesson with her through her entire life.

SNOW STORM

What do I see over there? A crazy man at the top of a hill on a snowboard?

Yes, there he is....he's wearing overalls and no coat or gloves!

Wow, so talented!

OOPS!




I'm going in, why did you make me come out here and do that!?!

LOOK AT ME I'M A POLAR BEAR!!

Thomas throw's a snowball, watch out Erin here it comes!

Get ready for the impact!

MY THOUGHTS ON WORKING

Lately I've been thinking about how we will pay for college for our three kids. We have started to save but realize that anything we can put aside will be just a drop in a very large bucket. We have also realized that we are in that financial category where we have enough money to be declined any financial aid, but not enough money to actually be able to pay for college. I haven't discussed my thoughts with many of my friends but the general consensus seems to be "don't worry about it, of course you'll get some financial aid". I wouldn't say I'm "worried" about it, I'm just being realistic. My oldest will be going into high school next year and my well intentioned friends seem to think I can't predict what will happen four years from now when he's ready to go to college. So far in life, my thought processes have brought me success, so I've decided that I will continue to plan in my own ways.

This is the point where we started to discuss the possibility of me going back to work. I've been staying home raising my kids for 14 years now. I realized all along that I would want to do something once my kids got older but wasn't sure what it would be. I thought of volunteering in non-paying jobs. I thought of going back to school to start a new career. I have always said I would never go back to engineering. It would be difficult since my husband is also an engineer and it sometimes requires a lot of travel. How would we work it out if we both had business trips at the same time? The commute to the job is at least an hour each way and my husband leaves at 5:30 am and gets home at 5:30 pm. Also, after being out for so many years, would I be accepted back? These things and the fact that I wanted to be home with my kids kept me from going back all these years. We haven't been able to save as much money as I thought we would and now engineering is looking like an attractive way to fund our kid's college education. I can make quite a bit of money in engineering.

The more we thought about it, the better it seemed. I would still wait another four years when Thomas was just going into college and my youngest would just be going into high school. Afterall, when I've already been out for 14 years, what's another 4? For me the four additional years would give me peace of mind that my kids would be totally okay. Any changes would be minor for them, such as having to get off the at the bus stop and walk the quarter mile home rain or shine. Yes, I realize many people would say I seem over protective but these are my decisions and feelings. I respect other people's decisions when it comes to working or not and feel no need to defend my decisions. I only say this because there is that "mommy wars" thing going on - actually, I consider my self a non-participator in that war, a conscientious objector of sorts. I've always been happy staying home and am too busy trying to do a good job raising my own children to spend time judging others. With that said, back to the main topic.

So, four years from now I will more than likely be trying to go back to engineering. I left a government job 14 years ago and would try to be "reinstated". I have confidence that I am capable of the job and feel mostly confident that the bosses will think I'm worth rehiring. Its a large installation and it will probably be a matter of interviewing until someone says yes. Its funny because there's a thing that happens to women who leave the workforce. It's very easy to lose confidence in your working ability. Am I too stupid to work anymore? Will I be in over my head? I think I have a pretty good handle on this, but still somewhere deep inside me is that doubt. That will definitely be a positive benefit for me. Once I go back to work I can leave that feeling behind. Another thing that happens to women who stay home is a feeling of dependence. I often jokingly say that I am leeching off my husband. Behind that joke is a slightly uneasy feeling for me. It doesn't come from my husband because he has totally jumped on the bandwagon of "our money" even though he earns it. Also, I totally handle all finances so it doesn't come from that. It comes from the independent streak I have that I want to rely on myself. On some level it bothers me that the money I spend is not earned by me. Obviously, this is not a big problem for me, otherwise I wouldn't have survived these past 14 years but still its there. It will be nice however to be contributing financially.

With all the positive benefits of me working I will be able to handle the downsides. My only unhappiness will come from the fact that I will be asking my youngest to sacrifice. Its much easier for me to sacrifice than for me to ask my kids to sacrifice. The real change is that she won't have me 24/7 like the other two did. This is something that has been very important to me all these years. Since she will be older its not something that is a show stopper for me or for her but its still a change.

So, it seems what the obvious choice is.

A final note: I've purposely tried to limit the amount that I defend my positions. Because of those infamous mommy wars I sometimes feel like I should defend myself. Sometimes I've felt like I should make it clear that I mean no judgement of others - for example, when I say it is very important for me to be here for my kids 24/7 I am not saying I think EVERYONE should be there for their kids 24/7! The 24/7 thing probably is more for me than for my kids anyway! My blog is not about defending or pacifying. Its about writing to sort out and record my thoughts and the things happening in my life. And just maybe there are a couple people out there who will find it interesting...or not. With that said, comments are still always welcome here.

BURGERS, YUM!

Yesterday I had some watermelon and commented to Erin that it reminded me of summer. She heartily agreed and said "we should have burgers". Thinking that was a good idea I bought the hamburger meat later that day. It had been raining and cold, one of those harsh March kind of rains but then by the end of the day the sun was shining and it was warm enough to go out wearing just a sweatshirt. A perfect day for burgers! I fired up the grill and laid those burgers on! My husband drove up from work and as he got out of the truck his nose was greeted with the aroma of burger smoke. He didn't know it was our grill and was thrilled when he saw what I was cooking. Yum! Everyone chowed down and loved them. Well....everyone except Erin, who commented "I wasn't in the mood for that". I just sat and stared at her, she stared back. I said "What? Are you kidding me? It was your idea!" She said "I just said we should have them sometime." Kids are so funny like that.