MY MOTHER

     Recently I wast thinking about my mother.  I was the youngest of seven kids and rumor has it that my mother only wanted two.  My oldest sibling was almost 18 years old by the time I came along.  I wonder what that feeling must be like. I would not want to start over with a little baby at that point in my life so I can imagine my mother had some sadness.  Maybe it was a lot of sadness and quite possibly some anger as well.  I was not exactly a mistake because rumor also has it my father wanted a dozen kids.  My mother was trying to be a good wife, a good Catholic and do what she thought was right.  She was trying the best she could but I think it turned out to be too much.  She could have been happier with less kids.  It is cliche for people to say that they can't wait for their children to have kids of their own because then they will see.  Yes, I see.  I see it is hard to be a "good" mother.
     My mother said and did some pretty mean things to her children but I think her spirit had been beaten down by life.  People say that you forgive other people for yourself.  I don't think it is so much forgiveness that I feel, it is just a feeling of understanding.  It is also said that when you point a finger at someone else there are three pointing back at you.  I have always understood that philosophy even though I haven't always heeded it.  I don't want to judge her so harshly as I have in the past, not for her but because I am judging myself.
     Fortunately before my mother died I had come to some sort of peace with out relationship.  I think she was relatively happy with it and I was too.  I wouldn't describe it as loving but I had accepted that.  To me she was just an older person who I treated kindly and with respect.  I just didn't think about how she was actually my mother.  I am glad that I felt like I had resolved my feelings before she passed away because I have no regrets.  Even with the understanding I have now, it wouldn't have changed our relationship. The understanding does give me a kind of peace.  Life is not always fun but my mother stuck it out doing what she thought was right even when she didn't want to.  It is hard to be nice all the time and I understand how hard it would be to be nice after having five extra kids.        

THE PURPLE ROOM

     I just redid one of the rooms in my house.  I suppose you would call it a family room but we called it the red room since the carpet was red.  That carpet was 29 years old and was overdue for being replaced but I loved that carpet.  About a dozen years ago I redid that room but the carpet stayed.  It is a large room and my new carpet that I just installed cost $1,500 so that played a big factor in why it took me so long to replace it but the other reason is, it is now very hard to find red carpet.  When I say red, I mean fire engine red!  Even when I got it installed in 1987 it was a color that needed to be special ordered.
     One would think that if I am a kind of person who can jump right in with a red carpet, I would be a person who is not afraid of bright colors.  Sometimes there is moment in a person's life where they realize that they have lived trying to make people happy and they have lost their true selves.  I had that epiphany a few years ago.  That red carpet was the one bright spot in my home but I really was just copying the red carpet in my mother in laws family room.  That made it acceptable.  Later on before my son was born I didn't find out if he was a boy or girl ahead of time so I did have a yellow room for him.  It was a wonderful bright yellow but I always knew that I was going against what my in laws thought was acceptable.  I had been decorating my house with muted colors for years and I got more and more nervous about branching out.
     As my two girls got older they wanted to have a say in what colors we would use.  We have a summer home and it needed to have the walls painted and they wanted their room to be orange...bright orange.  I complied because after all, it was their room and I should let them have a say.  They think that I am unhappy with the orange but in reality I am thrilled with it.  I probably wouldn't pick orange but it does look good to me and more importantly they have not been influenced by outside opinions!  Maybe I am living vicariously through them.
     It is not a good feeling to know that I allowed myself to worry so much about pleasing other people.  It is hard to realize that in the past I have decorated my house to try to get people to like me but that is exactly what I did.  It was a slow process because first, many years ago, I took down a lot of decorations that were considered "arts and crafts."  If you walk into my in laws houses that is what you will see and that is what I did in order to fit in.  When I realized that I didn't really like it and it was becoming old fashioned, I got rid of it all.  For many years I had hardly anything on the walls until my kids came home with artwork and I hung that up.
     What was really brewing in my mind was that epiphany that I needed to be myself.  It probably seems silly to other people but it is exceedingly difficult to override that sense of being judged.  For other reasons, I have chosen to stop having a relationship with my in laws.  I guess this issue is symbolic of my reasons.  I tried to be acceptable by changing myself but it never worked.  Once I gave up trying to please them, it has been hard to figure out who I am.  It makes me more sensitive to other people's judgement as well.  For me that is a lot to overcome.
     My favorite color is purple so it made sense to paint the room purple.  In my mind it would be a glaring color that no one would like but me.  It seems rather ridiculous now to have worried about that but it was important to me to overcome those feelings and I did it!  It really is just a lavender that is peaceful seeming.  I love my purple room, not only because it is my favorite color but also because people don't paint their family rooms purple...but I DO!

LIFE

     There are a lot of things we are told in life that I think make us feel like failures.  We are told that if we work hard enough that we can do anything we want to do or be anything we want to be.  I don't think that is true.  Our talents and capabilities are indeed limited.  However, I do believe that many of us don't reach our full potential.  So maybe when people say that we can do anything we set our minds to, they really mean that we should always be striving.  Without striving and pushing ourselves, we won't know how far we can actually go.  But if we tell ourselves that we can do anything and we get to that point where we can't go any farther, we can end up feeling like failures.  In my way of thinking there is a point where we can simply say "enough" and legitimately have a feeling of satisfaction with ourselves.  We can find that balance but it will be different for each person.
     On the flip side of this are all those people who don't reach their full potential.  Those represent the average person.  That is who I am and actually who I strive to be in a not striving kind of way.  We need a lot of average people in order to make the wheels of society go around.  I'm suggesting that maybe it is okay to be one of those people.  A person who doesn't get accolades.  A person who works hard but also takes the time to be lazy.  A person who doesn't strive every day to be the best that they can be but who is not a burden on society because they fill a societal need in a small way or maybe even a tiny way.  Just a middle of the road kind of person.
     In the past I have described one of my good qualities as being the kind of person who can keep going in the face of failure.  I can fail at something and pick myself up and try again, hence why I keep gardening.  Maybe now I am just tired of feeling that way.  At 52 years old I am just looking back and thinking how I struggled so much to try to be something that I could never be.  In the end what I have as a success is that I am a person who can keep going through failure.  Is that enough?  Close friends feel bad for me and reassure me that I am not a failure but I really don't want that kind of comfort.  I just want to be okay with not striving anymore.  And I think I am okay with that.
     If I had thought all this when I was young I would have been living in a basement apartment, working at a Milwaukee brewery with a friend named Shirley and I would have changed my name to Laverne...well actually my friend's name was Christine but maybe she would have changed it to Shirley.  

 

GARDENING HAPPINESS

One thing that has always given me happiness is gardening.  It is hard work and it often tires me out but it is a good tired.  For the most part I come away with a sense of satisfaction.  I am actually a horrible gardener and for every success there are at least a half dozen failures.  I am not sure why I keep doing it other than maybe it gives me a sense of hopefulness.  These are my zucchini plants from this past summer.  How does a person kill zucchini and how does my garden bring me happiness?  By the way, those pictures were taken mid summer not in the fall and it wasn't a particularly dry summer but it was a particularly unsuccessful summer.

Each winter I start imagining next summer and this winter is no different.  Usually I will read something that someone else has written about how great their gardening method is and be inspired that, yes, I can do that too!  It never seems to end well.  But my hopefulness has never wavered and that is what keeps me going back for more.  I wonder if there is anyone out there like me that fails over and over and just keeps happily plugging along.  Stay tuned for next summer!  I kind of wonder if I ever am successful, will it be a let down?!  Will I somehow be disappointed that I am able to grow things prolifically?  This is making me laugh since thinking about how maybe someday I can be successful at gardening is all part of my hopefulness.  It's probably never going to happen but maybe someday... 

AND AGAIN?

It's January 2, 2017 and do I say I am starting to write again?  Seems kind of absurd since the last time I wrote that was a year and a half ago.  So I won't say it.  I will say that the older I get the more I try to limit how many things cause me pressure.  I refuse to let this cause me pressure.  Somethings we can't avoid like going to our job every day.  I don't know if other people have found their bliss and love going to their job every day but I can say I am one person that does not.  I strive for acceptance and having at least parts of my job that I enjoy.  I do like to work but I don't know if that is because I have worked for so long.  I like to believe that even "perfect" jobs have their days where they are not enjoyable.

Since I have not written for so long, my life is now in a completely different phase.  I am considered an "empty nester" and I think people assume that I am pining for the good old days of having my kids at home.  I just don't feel that way.  Maybe I should.  I think I mostly feel relief that the bulk of the work is over but I also have that feeling of "what now?"  It's an odd feeling to me when I am confronted with people who think I should feel that way since I was so close to my kids and they have always been such a big part of my life.  I'm sure that there are other mothers out there that feel the same.

It's always been hard to voice opinions or feelings that other people don't think I should have.  I went back to work when my youngest was in her last couple of years of high school so my life is definitely full.  I guess maybe it's too full to be able to think about being an empty nester.

So here I am, 52 years old and wondering how I will fill the next 20 years.

Elise      

STARTING AGAIN

It's been so long since I've posted on my blog.  I am glad that I did not delete it and I think it may be time to get back to it.  It has been almost two years since I posted and so much has happened in those two years.  The biggest change is that I got a job!  I went back to work as an engineer but it is as a Product Management Engineer so it is not really engineering but more management.  I do not like that aspect of it and there are many more things I can complain about but just going back to work was such a huge milestone in my life!

I started last June (2013) and I was 49 years old.  I had been out of work for almost 21 years so it was pretty scary.  I had done a couple years of substitute teaching but that was quite a few years ago.  I started out only working two days a week and then in January of this year I started doing three.  By the end of March I added another day but it is a day working from home.  So I am just one day short of full time and it has been pretty tiring.  The job itself is pretty crummy and lacks any sort of job satisfaction.  I am finding many of the people I work with to be challenging to say the least but I guess I'd find that in any job.  I am working hard to learn to deal with these new stresses in my life and I must say it has been overwhelming at times.  If I do keep up with my posting I will probably write more about my feelings here.

I am surprised I didn't post about it but two years ago I also had a falling out with my in laws.  I guess after being married for 25 years I finally just got fed up.  I didn't initiate the conversation but my sister in law decided she needed to air some issues with me that turned out to be a last straw for me.  I have had mixed emotions but mostly I just feel free.  Free to fully be who I am without having to worry what they all think of me.  Free from having to try to make them like me and make them happy.  My biggest problem comes with knowing that although they may talk behind my back and say bad things about me, eventually they will want to make up with me.  I know myself well enough to know that I will never want to make up with them.  I am not actively angry about all the issues of all the past years.  Like I said, I just feel free.  I feel relief that I don't have these people bringing me down anymore.  Part of the problem over the years is that they are that kind of family that never fully accepts outsiders into the family.  I was expected to call my mother in law and father in law "Mr and Mrs."  I couldn't even us their first names.  Because they kept me at arms length all those years, I never had a close, loving relationship to be missing now.  To me the relationship really was being a bystander, watching all the family nastiness.  Sometimes it felt like that was all I was good for.  I was a person to listen to one person bashing another person.  I do not miss family gatherings which usually meant I had to listen to hours of meanness being spewed forth about whoever was the latest target.  Two years ago, I became the target.  I didn't feel I had done anything grieves that should cause anyone to think I was a bad person and I had no intention of changing to please anyone.  I had already spent years stifling things in order to keep family members from disliking me.  Now two years later...the longer they are out of my life the better it feels.

So those are the two big things that have happened.  I think I am ready to start posting more but I don't want to promise or pressure myself.
 

FORGIVENESS

I have been wondering, can you forgive someone even if they don't apologize?  I really have never felt like I agree with the advice that you must forgive someone to make yourself feel better.  I have never believed that you should forgive but not forget.  In fact, my belief is that you should forget the wrongs that have been done to you but you don't have to forgive them to do that.  Just a lot of thinking....

ONCE AGAIN!

Last night I was skimming through the channels on TV. I stopped briefly on OWN and saw a famous singer talking on "Master Class." I could not continue to watch because once again, it appeared that there was an emphasis on following your bliss. This singer didn't seem to understand that everyone can't be famous or even make a decent living at singing. He seemed to be criticizing parents that don't fully support their kids dreams. It would be easy for him to support his kids' dreams since he knows that he has plenty of money to give them if they fail. He said that he would rather have tried and failed than not try at all. That sounds all fine and dandy until a person actually fails. And, what IF he had failed? Would he still have been so happy about trying? What if he found himself at fifty years old, struggling to make ends meet, with no other skills to support himself? Would he simply be happy that his parents had supported his dreams or would he be angry that his parents hadn't pushed him to develop backup skills? As parents, we want to ensure that our kids will live a happy life but at the same time we are well aware that they will have to earn a living. Why criticize a parent that is worried that their kid won't be that one in a million who will become famous and earn as much as this particular singer? He seemed to think, that kind of parent was being mean by crushing their kid's dreams. Maybe he should realize, that parent actually loves their kid so much that they are trying to protect them from a failure that might make their entire life a struggle. Think about how many people had dreams to become famous singers but never fulfilled those dreams. Do we really believe that is because the parent didn't support them enough? If only they had more parental support, would they have become famous? Why should a parent be criticized for trying to help their kids make realistic goals in life? Why should a parent be criticized for thinking that maybe their kid won't be that one in a million famous person? For telling them honestly, you can try singing but make a backup plan, go to college, have skills that you can depend on. Tell me, what is wrong with that?

SIGNS OF SPRING - 2012!!

Although we finally had a snow storm yesterday, I have been noticing the usual signs of spring that start in February. It was a few years back when I realized that things began changing February. I think I noticed this because this is the month that I officially am sick of winter. I am one of the few that enjoy winter but at the end of January I can't help wonder when the heck it's going to end! February brings the realization that we have a way to go...maybe that is why ground hog day comes at the beginning of this month. People in years past needed some sign that the end was in sight so they came up with ground hog day! For me it is much more enjoyable to have to look for the subtle signs than to wait for the more obvious in April.

Well, when I look outside I see the buds forming on the trees - albeit they are covered in ice right now. I see more and more flocks of geese heading north. The sun seems just a bit more powerful. I think I notice this about the sun because sometimes I have felt moments that I am literally "soaking up the sun." The ground is frozen in the morning but by the end of the day it has begun to soften. If you sit on a westerly facing slope, you will notice a distinct warm spot where the snow melts first. Or at least I think they are westerly facing! The seed catalogs start arriving although I have only ordered from them a couple of times in the past. They remind me that I should start thinking about starting planting my pepper seeds in pots. The birds spend a bit more time singing...hoping for a mate I guess.

I think these signs of spring and hopes for the summer are one of the things that I like best about living in an area that has distinct seasons. I definitely would miss winter if I lived in Florida, yet I would go crazy living in a place that never got really hot. For now I will just sit back and enjoy these subtle signs of the coming change.

INTERESTING THOUGHT

I think there are some adults who have confused having high expectations for kids with simply being mean. Yesterday my daughters were home from school because they had a snow day and Erin's AP Biology teacher sent an email out to the kids to assign them a whole bunch of work to do on their surprise day off. At the end she made a sarcastic joke about how they should enjoy their day off. She more than likely would disguise her request as having high expectations for her AP students. None of the other AP teachers sent out emails. I have high expectations for my kids and they have been very successful so far...but I am not mean. I wonder if this teacher will ever mature enough to learn there is a difference?

HOW DO THEY DO IT?

I often times wonder how my kids manage to survive going to school. Thomas is in his first year of college, Erin is in her senior year of high school and Sarah is in ninth grade. Sure they complain about things. Too much work, crummy group partners, crummy teachers, crummy friends. You know, all the usual. But they keep waking up each day and heading off to school.

So why are they able to do this? When I really think about it, a big factor is that they have young strong bodies! As a person gets older they don't even realize how decrepit they've become! They don't suddenly wake up with aches, pains and unexplained tiredness. I know, I know, there are people who move into their older years and are in great shape. They eat healthy, exercise and go to bed on time. Many people don't do this and kids NEVER do this! They get to stay up late, eat junk food and sit using the computer for hours and all that happens to them is a little tiredness and maybe some puffy eyes! Their puffy eyes go away, mine are here to stay!

I think another factor that allows our kids to survive school is that they are used to being told what to do. As adults, we've had at least a taste of freedom to make our own choices. If you really think about it, kids have little freedom. If they try to veer off the path into what we consider laziness, we are right there to nag at them. If they have a headache after school, the fear of getting in trouble with the teacher is what gets them to do their homework. They really have no option of quitting. They see what happens to the kids that rebel and don't do their homework and don't pay attention in school. We are quick to remind them "you don't want to end up flipping burgers do you?!" We'd all like to believe that we show our kids unconditional love. We may claim that we love them unconditionally but if they don't do what we say, we certainly don't show them that love!

The reason I am thinking of this today is that I just read a blog of a woman who went back to college since her kids are getting older and need less of her time. She looks around at all the younger people and wonders how they are able to party and still make it to class with their homework complete. Besides the reasons I wrote about above, I think it is a matter of priorities. A parent has spent years raising their kids. We may be good at nagging our kids but they are also good at nagging us. It may not be obvious but they have their ways! Those complaints, tears and frustrations of our kids eat away at our brains! Sometimes it may appear that we parents are not even doing anything for them but if you are like me, your kids seem to be constantly in your thoughts. For me the thoughts of "should I handle this issue this way or that way" are exhausting! AND, I feel that they are oh so important. When something is important to my kids, it becomes important to me. When someone is important to my kids, they become important to me. The importance may be from a good situation or from a bad one. These important issues require physical as well as emotional support. The physical support has an obvious, tangible result but the emotional stuff remains in our heads....or at least part of it does! That just brings me to how much defending I do. I know that the usual advice is to let our kids fight their own battles but I find it impossible when I see that often times kids have no voice. They may be dismissed and told that they must respect and obey their elders. Fortunately I am now an "elder" and can speak up for them!

This all comes at a cost to our energy level. Just because our kids get older and less dependent on physical support, the emotional support seems to only become greater. We are told as parents to "take care of ourselves" but I challenge the person who doesn't take into account our desire to help our kids on their path to adulthood. We only have one chance to at least make an attempt to get it right. Yes, we can TRY to take care of ourselves but who really puts them self first? Who could sit back and NOT invest the necessary energy? I don't think anyone should underestimate the power our concern for our kids has over us. So, my hat goes off to any person who decides to go back to college! They are a person who is walking in their kids shoes without giving up their parent's shoes! I guess maybe they have one of each on!

THE BATTLE OF THE VOLES

Why is it that cats feel no guilt when they have not done their job? You would think that with three cats in my family that I would never have a rodent problem! My vole problem must have started last winter as I snuggled up in front of the fire with a good book. I was blissfully unaware that under the cover of snow little voles were tunneling about finding a good source of food. In the spring I sauntered into my garden, still relatively ignorant, I noticed a little path that led to my garden in that cute wiggly way that voles are prone to make. At the time I didn't really know the differences between voles and moles and mistakenly thought a mole had made the path. I saw that the path led to the area where my asparagus grows. That was the first time that my heart sank. Holes all around my asparagus patch! Fortunately, it wasn't too long before I found that the asparagus was still alive. The relief I felt only lulled me into a sense of feeling all was right with the world...or at least my world. That sense of calm continued until I noticed that my pea seeds had very sporadic germination. Then I noticed a shallow tunnel leading down the row where my peas should have been. My heart sank again. Whatever was making those tunnels LOVED to eat seeds. I began what was to become a summer of research on voles.

At least they didn't seem to enjoy potatoes since I saw that the potato plants were thriving. I didn't know how wrong I was! I think they just didn't care for seed potatoes. As the potatoes began to grow beneath the soil, the voles came and worked their way through. My first indication that something was amiss was one wilted potato plant. I grabbed hold of it to see what was wrong and it immediately came out of the soil. Not a bit of root left! After they ate two more plants I decided to harvest the potatoes and we had a small but tasty crop.

As usual, this summer I had been behind in planting seeds and I began to realize that these rodents were going to be a major problem. They were already forming a community in the spot I had planned for beans. It was beginning to look like a prairie dog town! I knew that they would love it if I provided them with tasty bean seeds so I decided to try to eradicate them first. If I had known then what I know now I wouldn't have bothered. What I know now is that once you kill off the stupid voles only the smart ones remain and it becomes impossible to kill them. They then have offspring that become the Einsteins of the vole world.

I read about voles until I was exhausted. I learned that sometimes you can place mouse traps in their tunnels and they simple run over them and get trapped. Hooray it worked! This was also when I learned that voles will eat each other...ugh. Nothing like a trapped and killed vole that provides a meal for his buddies. I caught and killed less than ten voles this way. I must say I was thrilled about my success but then I started to find that the tunnels caved in on the traps...or so I thought. After awhile I realized that the tunnels were not caving in, the voles were burying the traps as soon as I set them. All I had succeeded in doing was to weed out the weak minded voles leaving me with a garden full of geniuses. I tried some above ground traps baited with peanut butter and although they were more complex and cost more, I didn't catch one vole in them. No, castor oil does not work either. All it does is lull you into believing that it is working as a vole repellent. As I was inside celebrating, the voles were outside laughing and munching down on more roots. Yes, that is what they do, they go underground and eat the roots of your plants so you don't know what is happening until your plants shrivel and die. This is one underground railroad that needs to be stopped!

I continued to put off planting any seed but I did start some zucchini plants inside. Unfortunately, since I was so preoccupied with solving the vole problem I waited too long and although some plants survived the voles, I was only able to harvest three zucchinis by the end of the summer.

As far as my cats, I did save a lot of money on cat food over the summer. My cats will kill AND eat wildlife and this summer voles were abundant. I knew my cats were having their fill since often times their dried food was left unfinished. Apparently three cats are not enough to keep up with a vole population explosion. After a summer of unsuccessful attempts at thwarting their damage, I have come to the conclusion I will have to wait for them to die out naturally. In my extensive research I have learned that vole population explosions are cyclic. Every three to five years there is a sudden increase in population. What ends up happening is they die out naturally. People will try all sort of remedies and when the vole population drops off, people tend to think "aha! it worked!" to whatever they tried. In reality they have just died off naturally.

I will remember this summer as "The Great Vole Depression of 2011." Eventually I couldn't even go into the garden without feeling depressed. I had a few plants that survived but I was so behind that all I was able to harvest were those three zucchinis. My garden became a jungle that I rarely entered. Over Thanksgiving weekend I got out my machete and whacked my way through. Just joking. I got a couple of rakes and enlisted the help of my son to start cleaning up. It had rained so much this summer that I felt like I was trying to clear cut a rain forest! My plan was to get rid of everything that provided a vole habitat. I would like to report that there was a natural decline in vole activity but that has not happened. I am hoping that a miracle will happen over the winter. I still have a bit more cleaning up to do but mostly I am just relying on the cyclic nature of vole population explosions. I don't think I can stand another summer of vole nightmares!

WEARY

I feel weary. Weary of people. Lately I am left wondering why people have so much trouble interacting with each other. Why is it that simple things seem to become so difficult? Why is it that people seem to want to cause other people anguish? Sometimes I am just in a position to be observing people hurting each other and other times it seems that people want to hurt me. Even the nicest people sometimes hurt others in an attempt to make themselves feel better.

Often times I am able to understand why people say the things that they do but sometimes I am just dumbfounded. I question why, what benefit is there in putting others down. Some people have the trait of wanting to watch others squirm. I have sometimes been put into the situation where someone has made me squirm. Once I am over the uncomfortable situation I look back and wonder what kind of person finds satisfaction in that kind of torture. How does that make them feel better about themselves?

Whenever I am trying to understand these kinds of things I analyze myself to see if I have ever done something similar. I am pretty sure that I do not purposely try to make anyone squirm. Doing this would mean that the other person would act embarrassed. I find it very uncomfortable if I have made someone else embarrassed so I do not think that I purposely try to make people squirm.

I often call this mean teasing. I come from a family that has a tendency to tease others in a nasty kind of way. In the past when I have been around them I admit that I have been guilty of joining in on the torture. It's almost as if I was compelled to take a side and I knew I didn't want to be on the losing side! However, I can say that I have never gotten enjoyment out of it. I would always come away from the interaction with a shameful unhappy feeling. I wonder if the others feel this as well.

For me, I think one thing that is difficult is that I often times laugh at myself and then I assume that others will laugh at themselves as well. A simple example is that I am one of those people who loves to talk. I can joke about myself talking someone's ear off. I would assume that the other talkers out there could laugh at themselves as well, so I would assume that teasing them about it would not fall under the mean teasing category. But maybe it would. This is a gray area where I find that I need to watch others' reactions to make sure I haven't offended anyone. I can say for sure, I do not enjoy making people squirm!

MORE ON DRAMA

I would love to report that I have successfully avoided the drama I mentioned in the previous post but I haven't... However, I can report that I have learned some things. I have often heard that to stop a bad habit, replace it with a good one. I am learning to expand on this philosophy and have figured out that replacing drama with good interactions with other people may be my saving grace. I can't be sucked into drama if I am always talking to people who don't stress me out. Sometimes it is even enough to be engrossed in a fun activity instead of hanging around with the drama queens.

This is easier said than done but I think I am up to the challenge. It is easier to follow my own advice when the drama queen in question is not my friend. I am still figuring out what to do when the drama queens are my friends. Even further, what do I do when there is only one true drama queen in a group of friends? I don't want to avoid a group of friends because of one bad apple.

Another dilemma is being able to recognize when there is drama just for the sake of drama and when it falls under the category of supporting a friend through a difficult situation. I am starting to have to consider this with one particular friend. I don't mind listening to a friend's problems but then I need to be careful that "friend" does not monopolize every interaction. In this case I am thinking of a person who is part of a group of friends. I am noticing that approximately two thirds of our time together is spent listening to her problems and being supportive of her. Then once someone else starts talking, her eyes glaze over. This week when we all got together I sat back and observed this phenomenon. Hmmm. Now I realize that this has been bothering me for quite awhile. I guess last year I should have had a clue when I saw a couple of eye rolls when I tried to interject something into the conversation. At the time I tried to be careful that I was not interrupting her. It was obvious that she had no patience for what someone else had to say.

So, I am making progress in recognizing areas that have a high drama level and I am even figuring out ways of dealing with this but I still need to try and implement my ideas. Some ideas work and some don't...that seems to be part of the process.

FIGHTING MY OWN HUMAN NATURE

It seems to me that part of human nature is to be attracted to drama. I wonder why this seems to be the case. What purpose does it serve to allow ourselves to be sucked into problems? It certainly is not pleasant. Like almost all people, I am guilty of allowing myself to be put into situations that make me unhappy. This is true regardless of the fact that I don't need to be part of the drama. I'm not forced into these situations. If I allow myself to honestly analyze these moments, I am allowing myself to be in them. I would like to believe that I am not actively seeking out problems but I have no hesitation in admitting that I find it difficult to walk away once I am embroiled in stressful interactions.

One recent occurrence happened even after I told myself that I refused to allow this activity to cause me undo stress. I am involved in my kids cross country team. I have always taken pictures of the team and in the past couple of years I have helped organize the end of season, pot luck banquet. Both of these things do not cause me stress, truthfully, they cause me happiness. However, two years ago, one of the mothers decided that we needed to start a booster club. She enlisted the help of one other mother and they filled out the initial paperwork and opened a bank account. The original purpose of the club was to raise money for an enclosed canopy. I agreed whole heartily and had planned to support whatever fundraising activities that they organized without officially being an officer of the club. However the next year I decided it would be okay to be an officer... co president or something like that. It doesn't really matter what I was called. The point is, I was more "official" and with that came difficulties. This is where I became embroiled in stress. Gone was the happiness of picture taking and banquet planning....sigh.

The lesson I tried to learn was that I need to become better at recognizing situations that cause me stress and then walk away from them. I made a firm plan for this year and I am working hard at sticking with it. At the heart of the plan is my insistence that I refuse to allow my activities with the team to cause me stress. I really have no need to end my role officially but I do need to be thoughtful in what I enjoy and what makes me unhappy. I plan on taking pictures and planning the banquet. Period. Both of those things make me happy. Then the period becomes a comma....sigh. This is my difficulty.

Recently I found myself in an uncomfortable discussion. Not only did I feel tense from this discussion, it also put me behind in errands that I was planning to run that day. That put me behind as far as getting home and making supper...which screwed up my kids life as well. They wanted to eat and start homework.

Why, oh why, do I let this happen? Now THAT is the question! Hah! I do realize that the answer to this question is irrelevant because the real accomplishment would be to learn to recognize these situations quickly and simply walk away. No analyzing, just action. So there you have it, I am trying to fight my own human nature of getting sucked into drama....

HAPPINESS...OR NOT

Lately I have been reading a lot about happiness. It is definitely the new buzz word. It seems to be everyone's goal. As with anything that seems to be overworked, I am getting a bit sick of it. I think that we all should try to find a life that we can be happy with but it seems that too many people are taking this idea to the extreme. I get the feeling that many people think that they need to wake up happy and go to bed happy every day. This is not possible and I think that the danger in feeling this way may result in feeling like a failure when we feel unhappy. Life is full of unhappy moments as well as happy moments. Whatever happened to grinning and bearing it? For me, some days just seem to go wrong. I'm okay with this and I just try to survive those days and hope for a better day tomorrow. There are phases in everyone's lives that are not happy. I am no exception. We can go months or sometimes years where we have bad times. The goal is to find joy once again but we certainly should not feel like failures. Only when we accept difficult circumstances as part of life can we move on. With this new push on happiness, I wonder how many people are feeling worse thinking "why can't I be happy?"

I'm sure that there are people who can wake up and feel joy and happiness every day. I am not one of them. My goals in life are to feel many moments of joy and happiness, to experience as few moments of unhappiness as possible and all the other days? Those other days, I want to LIKE what I am doing...or at least not DISLIKE it.

A LITTLE BIT MORE ABOUT FEAR

This post really has nothing to do with Irene or the fear people feel about this storm. It is about fear in general. Not long ago me and Thomas were going to a dinner for a scholarship he received. There were a few kids that had gotten it so on the way in, we met another mother and girl we know. It had been raining cats and dogs on the drive there. It was coming down harder than I've ever experienced and it caused some temporary flooding. There is an underpass with train tracks above on the way to the restaurant and it was filled with water. The only choice was to park on "the wrong side of the tracks." This mother saw us make the turn and since she didn't know the area well, she followed us. We ran through the rain to the restaurant that was pretty close by. After chatting with the mother, I found she was quite stressed out because she "didn't know what was going on." When we left, it was not quite dark but she was quite worried anyway. I guess she felt we were literally heading to the "wrong side of the tracks." What struck me was how fearful she was to have to walk back to her car. I felt it was not scary at all and fear didn't even enter my mind. All I could think was how awful it must be to live with that kind of fear. I am not sure why I am not a fearful person but I definitely appreciate this fact. Fear does not keep a person safe, it only inhibits a persons enjoyment of life.

FEAR

Yesterday Tom went to our beach house at the Jersey shore to bring in the grill and lawn furniture so they wouldn't get blown away by hurricane Irene. Maybe it's because my middle name is Irene but I don't feel scared by her at all. I hoped that Tom would not get turned away when he tried to drive onto the barrier island where our house is located. He will leave this morning before the storm hits. As I watched the reporters on TV, I wondered why they are working people into a frenzy. I think it's sad that our news people have turned into entertainers and not actual reporters. In this case they are "entertaining" by trying to scare people. People are watching with rapt attention. Don't get me wrong, I would not be one of those people who tried to ride the storm out and stay in a dangerous location. Also, I would be very upset if my house gets destroyed but I just can't understand the fear people have. I have heard people compare this to 9/11. What? Will that be the thing that people do now, compare everything bad to 9/11? I think it's quite possible that the media has put this idea into people's minds. I feel it's sort of like brain washing. When I was watching the news channels last night trying to see where the mandatory evacuations were, I started to understand how the brain washing is done. The longer I watched, the more I wondered how serious this storm was going to be. I thought, how the leaders in our area would not require evacuation unless it was serious. Then I started to wonder if they too were falling prey to the hype. I have not doubt that the mandatory evacuations are a good idea but I was annoyed when Mayor Bloomberg talked about the possible "tragedies" that could occur. Maybe my annoyance lies with the wrong people. Maybe the leaders understand that if they don't scare people, people will not listen and do the right things to stay safe.

I have a sister-in-law who lives in a house that has been flooded many times. She doesn't panic. She just gets out when the time comes. She does get frustrated and sad that once again she will have to hire contractors to come in and fix the mess. She is probably worried right now just wondering if this will happen again. Is she afraid" No. Will my husband heed the warnings and evacuate our beach house? Yes. Will he have any fear? No.

HOW I GOT TO BE "RICH"

The biggest thing on my mind lately is how we will pay for our kids to go to college. We are in that category of parents that are told that we are "rich" enough to pay the full freight but in reality we really can't. When filling out the FAFSA (free financial aid form), I learned that we would be expected to pay up to $50K per year for our kids college education. I have three kids and if they knuckle down and graduate in the "normal" four years, I will have one or two kids in college for a period of eight years. Using simple math I calculate that I will be expected to come up with $400K! Hah! So, since Thomas just headed off to college I can't help but think quite a bit about all of this.

I spend some time complaining and more time facing the reality and thinking of ways to pay for college. I've learned that one of my "friends" has no sympathy at all for me. She is of the belief that I am just lucky that I have the money and other assets that are keeping our family from getting the need based aid. I can't seem to get this off my mind. For me, the bottom line is that Tom and I have really sacrificed more than others to get into the position we are in. After our kids are off to college, not only will all our savings be gone but we will also have a substantial amount of debt. It is true that others who do get free aid will have debt and they won't have any savings either. This bothers me because after years of working hard and sacrificing we won't be any better off than people who sacrificed less than us.

The fact that bothers me is that my friend thinks that it is some sort of luck that put us in our position. She totally disregards what I had to do to get to this point. I grew up in a poor family where my mother sewed all my clothes and we drank powdered milk because we couldn't afford regular milk. My parents were not supportive of my decision to go to college and in fact told me that they would do everything they could to stop me. Regardless, I went anyway and often times woke up to temperatures in my apartment that were barely above 50 degrees because I couldn't afford to turn on the heat. While I was struggling to graduate to be able to get a job, Tom was living with his parents, working and saving as much as he could so we would be able to buy a house. We could not afford a house in NJ so we moved an hour away from his job to Pennsylvania. We bought the cheapest house we could find and put so much "sweat equity" into our house we sometimes would come home after working an eight hour day and be working outside on building a garage by spotlight until 9:00 pm. We dug a foundation hole for our garage by hand and I overcame my fear of heights when I had to be working all the way at the peak of the roof. I wonder if my friend has made any similar sacrifices. Since our kids have been born (18 years) we have only been on three "big" vacations. I only mention this because I had to listen to my friend tell me she is planning a trip to Switzerland for her 25th anniversary. We will also be celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary the same year as her. We could not afford to go to a foreign country on vacation. For our anniversary I probably will be making a special meal to be eaten on our 29 year old dinner plates.

HEADED OFF TO RPI

Today we bring Thomas to college. He is my first so it is kind of weird. What's even more weird is I no longer have those sad feelings of knowing I will miss him. I am still worried that he will be experiencing home sickness and all those usual unhappy freshman year feelings but I feel peaceful otherwise. I know along with the unhappy feelings he will also experience all the happy feelings. I think I realize that this is just a natural progression and I can sit back and enjoy it. I also see that he is happy. He seemed to be getting really excited last night. It's nice to see, when it comes down to the wire, he has joyful feelings. It seems as if the anxiety has been pushed to the side for now. He never really seemed super worried; I think because he is pretty independent about a lot of things. Through high school he has learned to handle the day to day tasks and decisions. He still lets me pamper him by doing his laundry and making him Koolaid but he takes care of the big stuff, mostly having to do with school. He doesn't need his parents to organize and plan his day at school. Other than helping with proof reading he doesn't ask us for help.

When we went to RPI for orientation, we were told that we know our own children. If we feel that in general they make good decisions and were generally responsible, we didn't have to worry about them. Chances are, they would be fine. If we were worried about them, chances are we needed to worry about them! I'm not worried about Thomas. I also felt really good when they asked all the parents to raise their hands if their kids did at least an hour of homework each night. There were few parents that raised their hands. They explained that was because these kids were the smart kids and good grades came easy to them so they would just coast through high school. Although many things do come easy to Thomas he has always studied a lot and done a lot of homework. It was comforting to know that he would not be one of those kids that had a rude awakening in college as far as the time commitment. I cannot really tell what will happen with his grades. Will he be able to keep all those A's? I have warned him that there may be times that he is disappointed with the result of his hard work. Only time will tell.